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OfflineRipVanWinkle
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A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long)
    #10892324 - 08/19/09 07:48 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

This is a copy of a letter I wrote to my parents, and to my close friends who have been with me throughout the past 2 years.  Just thought I'd share it with the shroomery for those of you who cared to read.  Maybe someone is going through something similar and could use the encouragement that things can get better.  It's pretty long so I don't expect many people to actually read it, but if you feel like you have something negative to comment on it, please atleast read the whole thing. 


------------------------------------------------
I was talking to my mom on the phone today asking her about one of the psychiatrists I went to when I was attending U of M to go back and get some aderall to help me focus in class. Her response to that was, "I thought the whole reason you started using all those drugs was to help you sleep because of your adderall...."

This slapped me across the face and made me aware of just how many lies I have told over the past couple of years about my drug use THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER TELLING! I don't remember telling my mom that I started using drugs to help me sleep. Sure, that was a bonus, it helped me sleep (hell, half of them MADE me sleep.) But that was far from the reason I started taking them.

Up until my freshman year in college all i did was smoke weed for the most part. There would be an acid trip a few times, and mushrooms (which I grew at home), but none of the real threatening stuff (cocaine being the exception, which I did once outside of a concert out of curiosity and ended up crying in the parking lot because the comedown made me so depressed).

Then the summer after I graduated, xanax became readily available, for pretty cheap. $5 a pill. If I bought 5 of them I could get a discount, $20. So I normally bought the extra amount. Which meant I used them alot more often, naturally.

I loved the xanax because, for my entire life, I was cripplingly shy. If I didn't grow up with you at Fayette Academy, I probably wouldn't say much to you. And even at fayette, if I wasn't REAL familiar, I wouldn't talk to you much. People prob thought I was stuck up or thought I was too cool or alot of them prob saw me just as I was: Really shy.

Xanax helped me open up to people. I was finally able to openly converse with strangers out of no where! This ESPECIALLY had alot of value to me now that I was on a college campus most days of the week, with all new people. That was because it got rid of inhibitions, and not just social inhibitions. I would say things to teachers a sober person wouldn't DARE say, I would skip class MOST of the time to go to shelby farms and get stoned, I would turn in tests half blank because I just didn't feel like doing them anymore.... I didn't give a fuck about ANYTHING anymore. My english final was turned in with nothing but my name on it, and up until the midterm I had made A's on every single assignment.

Later on in the semester I found out about things called Poppy Pods on an internet forum I used to chat on. Opium comes from poppy pods. Poppys are what the heroin manufacturers grow to get the opium they turn into heroin. Opium is a mixture of mostly Morphine, with some papaverine, thebaine, and codeine in it as well. And I found out you could order these opium-containing-pods for cheap off of ebay. Turns out, a dose of poppy pods would run me about 50cents - $2, depending on the batch of pods I was using and how high i wanted to get.

The reason I first ordered those was out of curiosity. I wanted to try every drug atleast once, just so I would know fact from legal propaganda and blind ignorance. Up until this point, the only opiate experience I had had was lortabs a few times, a few expired 10mg oxycodones I stole from my mom's closet in highschool, and a 600microgram Fentanyl losenge that someone had given me for free.

The first glass of Poppy Pod Tea I had was pure heaven. It replaced all my worries with the feeling that everything was ok, that everything would work out somehow. It made stress disappear. It made me feel like my entire body was wrapped up in a glowing blanket of warm relaxing energy and that nothing could go wrong. It took the lonliness that I felt (a result of being so shy nearly my entire life and never making very many close friends) and it took that lonliness and turned into into a feeling of being loved, if by no one else than by the world and by god who is the universe and everything natural in it.

But up until January, I was still using more xanax than anything. I only had a limited amount of pods because I was saving money for the trip to hawaii. And the xanax was a nearly every day thing. Sometimes to get fucked up, but mostly just to feel socially normal. Then when we went on the cruise I was in a pretty bad mood alot of the time which I hate myself for because I'm almost positive it was because I had taken so much xanax prior and I was feeling mild withdrawals. I still had alot of fun but it could have been so much better and I could have spent so much more quality time with my family....

But when we got back from Hawaii, I ordered another box of pods. This time I started drinking a glass every morning. "What the hell, it's only costing me a dollar a day, whats the harm, even if I do get addicted?!" Those were my thoughts. So I ended up drinking probably 2 or 3 glasses a day. On "Tornado Tuesday" 2008, when the tornados were tearing Memphis up, I was with two other people down near the airport and lamar and god knows where else we drove to to finally get it, but we were going to get me some heroin. I wanted to try heroin. So we were sitting by the airport in a small convenience store, staying quiet near the back. The guy had originally told us to stay in the car cuz we were white and would probably end up in some shit and might possibly get shot because of that fact, but it started hailing BAD and we had to risk getting out of the car. That was the first time I did heroin, and the only time up until about a year later.

Rehab came into play in February after I received a large quantity of Klonopin from a guy in Serbia. I made a deal with the guy and told him, since I didn't know if I could trust him to send the pills or not, if he would send me 100 pills I would send him the $80 via western union as soon as I got them. I placed this order back in november, and figured the guy was just gunna rip me off, when one day in late january/early feb I got a package with 100 klonopins in it! I was so excited! I had always wanted to try klonopins! Like xanax, except longer lasting and more sedating. I don't even remember any of the times I took those. I barely remember walking into a gas station and stuffing my pockets full of candy and walking out. And waking up in the bathroom floor in my boxers with my dad standing over me yelling at me. And barely remember backing my car up into a tree and pulling a knife on my dad the next day. Klonopin took away every last drop of inhibition and morals I had, and left me with an empty memory.

The day I pulled the knife on my dad was the day I went to rehab. I stayed pretty clean after that. Tripped on some acid a few times in march but stayed clean for the most part.

And let me go ahead and say I still have nothing against LSD or mushrooms, if they're used responsibly. Those are the only two drugs that have not brought ANY negative consequences to my life, they are two of the SAFEST drugs, as there has NEVER been ANY proof to show ANY physical damage to your body or your brain because of them, and they have actually helped me figure out alot. Alot of my cleaning up this past spring was a result of taking some LSD and spending 12 hours thinking about my life, my actions, how what I did affected me, and how it affected my friends and family. I have alot of respect for those two drugs, and even though I don't really use them anymore, I will not say that I never will again. If I do, it will be for therapeutic reasons, and not recreationally.


But anyways. Summer 2008. I'm living with two other people now. Still not smoking weed anymore or doing any opiates. In late april/early may I got some pure xanax powder from an online source and got addicted to that short term, but was luckily helped out of that predicament by a wonderful young lady who I had recently started hanging out with (you know who you are!). She knew that I took some rolls (dirty pressed ecstacy pills for you family folks that don't know) at music fest, but she knew that I had cleaned up pretty well besides the xanax, which I was in the process of getting off of.

Then rothbury came. It was a looooooong drive. To keep the drive entertaining, we pulled over and snorted coke every hour or so until we got there. While I was there I did so much stuff I'm not even going to bother to list, because theres probably some that I don't even remmeber taking. I went way overboard, and by the middle of the weekend I was regretting it already.

After that I moved back home to get away from all that stuff. I was kinda depressed because of a girl, and it kept getting worse and worse as the weeks went on. I quit my job in the middle of august and sat around the house getting deeper and deeper into depression. Thats when I started buying xanax again occassionally, and oxycontin when I could afford it. Then I got my job back, but was still very depressed. I ended up using ALOT of oxycontin and poppy pods around December I guess? Those months are kinda hazy to me. At one point I got hold of some more heroin, and snorted most of it. I was at my very lowest then, and that was the one time I tried shooting up. I didn't have enough smack to get me high by snorting it, so I sat in the bathroom at work and shot it up. It was barely enough to get me high but I sat down in the chair in the lobby and fell asleep. The next day I was so incredibly depressed I wanted to die and told myself I would never do that again.

I then started taking suboxone. At first it was because I wanted to get high off it. Then it stopped getting me high after a while, but it also prevented me from getting high from other things. This helped me discover that I could be sober AND happy, and that I actually PREFERRED having a clear head! I've been clean for the most part since then (late february I think), but I will admit I've fucked up a few times. I've not had a single opiate since I started on the suboxone, and I am now completely off of the suboxone too.  I am taking a legal benzodiazepene very infrequently on sleepless nights when I absolutely have to sleep due to early work, and I smoke weed occassionally after long stressful days, but I think we both can agree that things have gotten much better, and that the worst is over for good! =)


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Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.


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InvisibleGr33nTree73
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Re: A letter to my parents and close friends about my drug use [Re: RipVanWinkle]
    #10892372 - 08/19/09 07:57 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

Wow man i dunno what to say, that made all the problems that have been bugging me seem minuscule...  hope you continue to stay away from all that as time goes on


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Offlinekrypto2000
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Re: A letter to my parents and close friends about my drug use [Re: Gr33nTree73]
    #10892580 - 08/19/09 08:22 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

I don't have anything to comment really, but I read it.

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Invisiblelegallyhomeless
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Re: A letter to my parents and close friends about my drug use [Re: Gr33nTree73]
    #10892637 - 08/19/09 08:29 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

yeah shit gets better :thumbup:

dont off yourself. tomorrow will be great


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FULLY AUTOMATIC!! 12-Pot Multi Grow Hydroponic System for Trade.


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OfflinegENERIX
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Re: A letter to my parents and close friends about my drug use [Re: krypto2000]
    #10892642 - 08/19/09 08:29 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

I bookmarked this thread and I will make the effort to read it when I get home from work tomorrow.

Before I start reading this letter, I've got to give you credit. You have serious balls if your planning on handing a letter to both your family and friends concerning your drug use.


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Invisiblefilthee
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: RipVanWinkle]
    #10892717 - 08/19/09 08:38 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

i dunno about writing letters man

i wouldnt

maybe to ur parents if you can trust them but not friends

thats just men tho,maybe it works for some people so in that regard its a cool letter and a good step in admitting it to yourself and realizing your own mistakes

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OfflineJT
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: RipVanWinkle]
    #10892748 - 08/19/09 08:41 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

what do you hope to come out of this letter?

i think writing it, getting your feelings out, that is a great thing to do. i don't think you honestly want to share that with all of your friends and family though. the best way to show them change is to just do it. if you feel the need to apologize, do it in person.

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Offlinemundane
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Registered: 08/05/09
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: JT]
    #10892920 - 08/19/09 08:55 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

Hopefully just writing it out helped you.  You ought to submit it to Erowid.  Much better than the average report that gets sent there.

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OfflineJackofSpades
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: mundane]
    #10893195 - 08/19/09 09:27 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

I read it. I feel for you. I have social nervous/anxiety issues and it can be fucking tough...


My recommendation is try some ayahuasca. Its used to cure anxiety, depression and other psychological disorders along with addiction. It also can put your life into perspective like shrooms/acid but from what I've heard--even more intense.


Message me if you want a site for high quality plants I have yet to try but "thedudenj" who was/is a frequent advanced ayahuasca user highly recommends...


hope shit gets better for you dude


~peace


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If you're frightened of dying and  you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.

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Offlinekrypto2000
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: mundane]
    #10893211 - 08/19/09 09:28 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

I've always wanted to write a letter to my mom explaining, first of all the facts about psychedelics, and then go into how I feel they've helped me. I told my mom I was going to do it, but I've yet to do so.

I don't blame her, or most people, for having biased opinions, it's hard not to with all the misinformation, but she can't understand how a drug can be so beneficial and I'm pretty sure she completely dismisses the notion that it has been. It doesn't help that LSD caused me to go crazy, which stressed her out alot, but it's something I've always wanted to do at least, even if it won't help, at least I tried. If she still dismisses the facts then that's on her, provided I put the time and effort required into the paper.

I guess I'm kinda thread jacking a bit here, but has anyone ever done something similar? How'd it turn out?

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OfflineJackofSpades
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: krypto2000]
    #10893268 - 08/19/09 09:34 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

I told my parents but I had to bombard them with information about how psychedelics are beneficial--my mom being incredibly leftist understood--my dad being an ex-alcoholic panicked but I've worked him over enough to the point where I'm going to try ayahuasca with him.


Honestly, with psychedelics, just show them the facts, they don't lie and show psychedelics to be amazingly beneficial and positive...Compare it to alcohol and call your parents out on their bullshit hypocrisy---assuming they let you drink or their cool with it--idk how old you are


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If you're frightened of dying and  you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.

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Offlinemundane
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: krypto2000]
    #10893280 - 08/19/09 09:35 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

I wrote letters to both of my parents about my pot smoking.  Result: mom's admitted she's had it a couple time (and doesn't mind what I do), and dad's on the road to becoming a MMJ patient for chronic pain.

Seeing as I'm in CA and mom isn't, I'm thinking of having spores sent to her house and then having her forward them to me, but I'm not sure I'd be ready to explain that.

Sorry to continue with the thread-jacking.

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Offlinemarcusxavier
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: krypto2000]
    #10893339 - 08/19/09 09:44 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

those first 5 paragraphs are me exactly... havent dipped my toes in xanax/opiates yet

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OfflineNeuron
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: mundane]
    #10893350 - 08/19/09 09:45 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

It seems like a list of 'confessions' that will only make your parents more worried/concerned about your health, and make the assumption that you are irresponsible in general(based on your history).

As long as you are a changed person now, I don't think there is any positive outcome for this....but it's your life. Just don't expect them to trust you over your honesty.


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OfflineNeuron
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: Neuron]
    #10893360 - 08/19/09 09:47 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

BTW, it seems like you were under the influence of adderall when you wrote this(very detailed, lacking structure, and a little too unrestricteD)


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Offlinekrypto2000
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: mundane]
    #10893686 - 08/19/09 10:29 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

Well I don't live with my parents anymore, and my mom doesn't care too much I smoke pot. We openly talk about it. The biggest thing is that she works in a psyche ward so of course she sees crazy people all the time and is deathly scared I'd become like that. It doesn't help that alot of people that are in there have used psychedelics, whether true or not that just reinforces her idea that that is at least partially what led them there.

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OfflineCannabischarlie
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: RipVanWinkle]
    #10894050 - 08/19/09 11:29 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

no offense, but why do you think the worst is over?

you seemed to relapse again and again. why this mentality that you need to try things to distinguish the fact from the fiction?

personalitys lend a lot to whether things will be addictive or not.

but what exactly possessed you to just decide that school wasnt worth it, and its college, which you pay for. i didnt give a crap about getting grades in high school except to slip by. if there was no homework and maybe just a few papers here and there, i would excel, but homework wastes what you learn and fewer people need that kind of shit.

what i am trying to say is, why do you let the drugs take hold of you in this manner? it seems you understand that things will get you fucked up but why not just do them infrequently and when you get stuff done? seems a fair number of people do that. is there something in your head that says to go balls to the wall on things? I am curious because i meet a lot of people with the same mentality.


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This section of the signature line has been intentionally left blank.

  we could all use a little more sunshine.

:shrug: yeah, she's funny and somewhat interesting.  not a beauty queen, but not bad lookin.  i'd feel quite honored to fuck janine garofalo.
-tiny_rabid_birds

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Offlineupinthetrees
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: RipVanWinkle]
    #10894100 - 08/19/09 11:35 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

congrats on being clean op.
there's no problem with weed unless you see it as a problem, and good luck in staying away from those addicting prescription meds. you can do it :heart:


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I want to show you life for what it's worth, from beginning to end from when your life was first launched 'till when it descends back to earth. From pyramiding at it's peak 'till when it turns back into dirt..

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Offlinepfxtc
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: Cannabischarlie]
    #10894132 - 08/19/09 11:40 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

Wow!

Irresponsible drug use sucks,

who knew?


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koods said:
Young male going by the name "Bassfreak" entered Worcester General complaining of a sharp pain in his buttock region after attending EDM event. Attending physician considered a possible diagnosis of acute rave anus, but upon further investigation it was determined there was nothing cute about patient's anus.

Life-long trip report

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InvisibleGabbaDjS
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Re: A letter to my parents & friends about my drug use (Long) [Re: RipVanWinkle]
    #10894139 - 08/19/09 11:41 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

Ur Mom just called,  She says your a pussy.

























J/K,  I didn't read anything but the title.


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GabbaDj

FAMM.ORG             

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