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Anonymous #1

Having trouble keeping todays events in perspective
    #10560852 - 06/23/09 06:44 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

I have recently been unemployed for a decently long time.  During which, I had to move back in with my parents.  It seems as though they have become agitated with my actions, or lack thereof.

So to try to alleviate the problem, my stepdad offered me a job at the family owned contract painting business.  Obviously, I accepted.  Financial strains have become a strong source of anxiety in my life recently, as the debt continues to rack up for things I simply cannot afford, but have no choice but to own. 

Fast-forward to today.  This was my second day on the job (omitting a few one day digs for some quick side cash) and I'm basically trying to get into the swing of things, but the one constant for the jobs my family works is extremely physically taxing jobs, which quite frankly, I have not been cut out for since I lost my old job.  I lag at times, but I try my hardest doing what I can to help them out.  Eventually, I notice coworkers coming in and re-doing the work I do as I move to different projects, this really got to me, because I am one of those people who cant STAND to be incompetent in any way I can manage.  Motivation in hand, I start knowingly overexerting myself, and with my pride being what it is, I was not going to stop until my work was acknowledged.  After a few hours though the daytime sun has its full effect on the temperature for the day (resulting in a heat advisory), and the condition becomes sweltering.  I then become physically exhausted at around the fifth hour of my shift, including a few periods of extended hyperventilation and dehydration.  I was obviously slow and ineffective at this point, I knew it, and I was not trying to hide it at this point because I was borderline passing out for the last 2 hours of the shift, but I kept trucking along.  At near end of the shift, cleanup starts, and while I clean, I see them again covering up my work.  I didn't know what to do, I had tried so hard my body paid the price, and had absolutely nothing to show for it .

I don't think I had ever felt so worthless in a long, long time at that point.  To have put so much effort towards a cause I was a detriment for in the end (in front of my inlawed family no less), was one of the worst feelings I have had in my life.

Distraught and extremely tired, I hop in the work van after cleanup is done and I immediately blacked out, coming to at my driveway with my stepdad dropping me off.  I threw up 5 minutes later, and have just recently come back to a state of good health in the past hour or so.. but this entire time I have been in decent condition the events of today have been consuming me.  Its all I can think about, and its doing nothing but making me more and more frustrated at myself, and frustrated at them for instead of talking to me about it, avoided the situation by trying to fix my mistakes behind my back.

My mom had to force my stepdad to talk to me about it when he got home (he had to drop other people off after dropping me off).  I heard them talking about it because my door is very rarely open, but was in this case leaving the entire second and first floors audible to me.

I dunno..  Maybe I just needed to vent, maybe its heat related hysteria.. but its killing me right now.  I feel so alone right now and on the verge of tears so I guess ill leave it at that.

Update: I just found out I am not working for them tomorrow..

Edited by Anonymous (06/23/09 06:57 PM)

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Re: Having trouble keeping todays events in perspective [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10561052 - 06/23/09 07:31 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

It hurts to do not-so-well at something, we've all been there.  We all want to be fully capable in any context but it's just not possible.  Rest assured every one of the people you worked with today have been in a working situation where they were unprepared like you were.  It's part of being human.

Just try not to read too much into it.  How you did today does not represent what you are 'worth.'  You may or may not be cut out for such physically demanding work, but it sounds to me like they expected too much of the new guy.  Remember, it was your first day, you are definitely allowed to suck :lol:

Give yourself permission to suck for a while, it is unreasonable to deny yourself that.  Don't worry about whether other people are reasonable in this way or not.  If they expect you to be awesome they are being unrealistic.

If you continue, just make a point of getting better at it.  Ask questions, ask people to show you things.  If you just aren't cut out for it, then you'll have to do something different for work, but in the mean time you have nothing to lose by doing your best to get better.  Nobody is good at any job right off the bat, in fact most new employees aren't actually helpful for a week or two until they get their bearings.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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