|
red_eye_jedi80
Stranger
Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 3
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
|
suicide
#10347627 - 05/16/09 06:43 AM (14 years, 10 months ago) |
|
|
Hello all. I am obviously new to this site. I am an average guy I guess, and suddenly feel like everything is closing in on me. I cant seem to shake these awful feelings and i just wanna find somebody out there that can relate. My "problems", if that's what you wanna call them go as far back as me being 4 that i recall the first issue. To make a long story short and for the sake that nobody is even reading this i will skip forward to the now. I am 29 and in a relationship that doesn't seem to get better. I used to be full of myself and focused entirely too much on vanity. I was an absolute prick to women, but i never abused them. Back then my stegosaurus sized brain couldn't grasp the idea of me being capable of hurting somebody deeply. I simply said that those kinds of people were weak. I thought that way until my ex told me that she understood why i cheated and the reason was my past and the fact that i had not matured. I told her she didn't know her head from her ass and let her know that we were through. In parting she told me that we all acquire a sort of karma-tic debt and that i was due for my time of reckoning. I ignored her and remember laughing later on about it during coitus. Fast forwarding to now, I am with a woman that i am hopelessly in love with. She is intelligent, driven, seductively beautiful, and smokes down with me. However, she has a terrible drinking, cheating on me, and respect for others problem. The way i used to look at it is, we all have our problems and this is one she will just get over in time. Lets just say she does whatever she can to piss me off. My family, friends, and acquaintances wont return my calls because of my selection of my current significant other. I had a great job but i lost because i wanted to enjoy my one year anniversary. I let my job know 2 months in advance and they still scheduled me. So i took the day off and got fired. We both made terrible financial decisions in the past, so for quite some time we were trying to pay those off and stay afloat. We ended up selling everything of value and i took on a second job. You know what...nobody fucking cares. When your own family cant except your happiness and cast you out...fuck them. When your girlfriend cheats on you and lies about it and says you are just insecure...fuck her. When you get out of a car at a routine traffic stop and the cop looks at your mom and says," is that a prostitute?" and you stomp a bloody hole in his ass but go to jail for 2 years...fuck them. When you get out of jail and the only thing you wanna do is work but every potential employer judges you for your priors and your out of work for the past 2 years...fuck them too. Everybody has their own problems to deal with and we all want to be heard by one individual in particular. Mine happens to be my lady friend. So what else is left when everyone you cared about has willingly removed themselves from your life and remind you on holidays and birthdays why you aren't welcome via e-mail? Some would say to talk to somebody. What happens when you want nothing more than communicate and your confidant tells you that you are the one to blame and that you're just too sensitive. No answers? I'll tell you what you do, you start cutting words into your arms that accurately describe your feelings. What then when you run out of room and instead of your girlfriend being worried and wanting to finally talk she tells you that she is disappointed and that you shouldn't do that anymore? You move on to the rest of your body and just say fuck her! So here is my problem. Cutting isn't doing it for me. I am addicted in some strange way to sex, ( have to have it more than 3x a day )I have no friends and society is so boring and blind. I have nothing to look forward to and nobody to share it with and I have been beating the shit out of little random hoodlums every chance i get. My tally is up at 28 in the past 2 months. I guess that is the only good thing that has happened is my opportunity to clean up the streets. HA HA. I don't like whats happening to me and know that if things don't get better within the next year, i will take a long awaited nap indefinitely. Please don't respond with any psycho babble. I just desperately yearn to hear that somebody understands. Christians need not apply, you bastards are just as fucked up as i am.
|
Mycomechania
Mung Glider
Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 39
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
|
|
No psycho babble here, just a quick word...please stop with the cutting. I had friends in school that really delved deeply so to speak and it brought more than just pain. I won't say I understand, as i hope you would hope I don't as most may not be able to, but don't take your GF's comments to heart and initiate a convo in another way - as I'm sure you might understand why such actions are not necessarily the best pre-text for discussion. Keep your head up, stay away from knives and powders - the sun will shine again...
-------------------- Take what you read with a grain of salt-lick
|
OneMoreRobot3021
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,026
Loc: the sky
|
|
This thread was moved from the user's journal.
Reason: Hey my friend - I feel for your post but I think it won't get much attention in your journal. I'm moving it to our Physical and Mental HEalth and Well-Being forum, where people usually go to post these kinds of writings. I think you'll find many helpful people there ready to offer you advice and sympathy and wise words.
|
Fraggin
Multi-Faceted
Registered: 01/05/05
Posts: 8,707
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
|
|
Go camping, for 3 days, primitive style. Then come home.
|
ChiefGreenLeaf
Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 1,596
|
|
Post deleted by ChiefGreenLeafReason for deletion: nm
|
red_eye_jedi80
Stranger
Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 3
Last seen: 14 years, 10 months
|
|
of course people have problems and of course its a lot worse for some. i didn't feel it necessary to share everything or really the main issues for the very reason that nobody can fkn read. there again that is why i said "everybody has there problems" didn't need the parental talk-off of," ya know son things are tough but people are starving in various areas of the world." this site is a joke, somebody has nobody tot turn to and yet you manage to make it about you. sorry that your dick is rotting, but if it is any consolation i had a five yr old son get run over and killed while in Mexico with his mother... i am sterile, so my son was a miracle. my thread my problems. should any of you desire to compare problems don't bother because i was just hoping for an answer, understanding, whatever. there is no help anywhere. bye
|
Anonymous #1
|
|
well you certainly have an interesting history.
you should probably check yourself into a psychiatric hospital, good luck, I hope you find some good things in the end
|
ManianFH
living in perverty
Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 15,000
Last seen: 45 minutes, 16 seconds
|
|
red-eye-jedi... if he ever comes back here you go:
I didnt heal inside until after my self destructive phase. I had to abandon a lot of things I thought were important, women, sex, my OCD, drugs, and a lot of other shit. It took a lot of alone time and self reflecting for me to understand that all these things we go through, put ourselves through, and put others through is bullshit. It doesn't matter in the end, only thing that matters truly is loving yourself truly. once you have that feeling, you begin to care about yourself, your mental health, and it branches out into caring about other people, and loving other people.
My advice to you is this, and its hard: Leave your woman, she sounds like she encourages your self destructive side, and you dont need that, and cannot heal with her in your life. Also, lay off your obsession, sex for a while, even if a long while. You will not die without it, at this point it sounds like it is a detriment to you realization of what is important.
Stop cutting/drinking/drugs/ any other type of self medication/mutilation so you can reflect on life with a sober mind. Take up productive habits instead, like working out, communicating with family members/friends who are a positive influence in your life, and especially, if you havent, get in school. for christ sakes go to school, I dont care if you already graduated with a masters, get more education, it is the one of the best things you could do for yourself.
Finally, do not kill yourself. then there is nothing, or something, or something really shitty, no one knows, either way, this life is over and you never got a chance to make things right, for yourself if no one else. You deserve to love yourself, get on the long and hard road to doing that, in the end if you make it you will be rewarded more than you could ever imagine.
-------------------- notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... " ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."
|
Mycomechania
Mung Glider
Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 39
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
|
|
wow, big pity party goin on here, and not started by initial post. There is a vast difference between reaching out, and sharing(called for or not) and responding with "my life is worse than yours, don't complain". The fact of our human condition is that we ultimately have certain, and undeniable difficulty placing perspective, and empathy upon and with those that we have not met nor experienced anything with...so please enough with the starving such and such here and there...of course someone will always win the argument, whether they are "right" or not. our utter subjectivity does not allow us (i believe) to ever say "I've had it better/worse than you", for only an outside(and for all intensive purposes undiscovered) impartial judge can say these things(for even God as many know is not "impartial"). and since we do not have his/her/its cell # available how about we cut this guy a break and merely give him some friendly advice/consolation? If you disagree with his actions, sure, tell him, but I believe there is only partial catharsis in comparing experiences and past pain. I suppose there is a time/place for a virtual thread driven back rub...but yes I also agree with previous post, it sounds like you understand that there are factors in your relationship that are not for the best(even given your very real attraction to her). Everything else aside it suonds like you have a difficult decision to make which probably does not neccesarily require a sit down with her...if that make sense
-------------------- Take what you read with a grain of salt-lick
Edited by Mycomechania (05/19/09 11:55 AM)
|
|