This is my trip report, thank you all
for your responses to my original post.
I have taken every bit of information you all have given me to
heart. I would like any and all
comments on this trip report, after this trip I feel that I have learned a lot,
but am now more scared to go to the next level.
This started at a hotel with a good
friend, I was very excited and looking forward to a fun trip with a good
friend. I failed to realize that
this was not a safe or comfortable place to be in, and that should have been my
first thought. But I was too
excited to have a fun trip with my friend. Since I was not at home or in a comfortable place.
I figured that I should only take a
The 1 1/2 grams was made up of a few
stems, 1 cap, and 1 unopened cap attached to one of the stems They were all
eaten between 4:00pm and 4:10pm. They didn%u2019t smell bad at all, somewhat exotic.
The taste wasn%u2019t very encouraging, but bearable. I actually felt an alert in my
body, as I was finishing eating the last stem. Before this trip I have been
talking about ego death and wanting to experience it so much, the alert I felt
was the Mushroom saying %u201Cyou asked for this, and now your gonna see it.%u201D I sat
on the couch with my friend watching mindless TV shows waiting for the come
up. As I started to feel it, it
was wonderful, I had the giggles and my friend and I were laughing hysterically
at nothing. I was now feeling
definitely off baseline. At this point I was sweating profusely, and feeling
very dirty, like I was just a lost soul a homeless man that is wasting his life
away. From then, I began developing
some anxiety. As time progressed,
I became a little uncoordinated, and the anxiety grew. I really did not know
why I was having so much anxiety. The psychedelic effects were not new to me at
all. Yet I was actually scared. A big thing my mind fixed on was that the
people in the hotel would be able to tell that I am on drugs because of my lack
of coordination and loud laughing, as my thoughts were beginning to get
jumbled, I imagined I won%u2019t be able to interact clearly with anybody, if the
hotel staff knocked on the door or worse the police. At this point my phone rang, it was my wife, I figured it
would be best to talk to her later, and then my hotel room phone rang and I
panicked that there was an emergency at home. That%u2019s when the anxiety got very bad.
I decided to take 2 mg Ativan because
I was now sure that I was bound for a bad trip (I didn%u2019t care if it diminishes
the psychedelic effects, I was just desperate to get out of this discomfort). I
then went to lie down. I was shivering. I didn%u2019t know if it was the cold or my
anxiety. I went under the covers, but I still shivered severely. The problem is
that I was not exactly intensely tripping %u2013 I was simply very confused and had
irrational anxiety. And I didn%u2019t like it. I was also feeling an uncomfortable
body load that made me feel like something was inside my stomach or my soul
that desperately needed to come out, somehow this thing needed to come out and
all I felt I could do to get it out was to vomit or scream, but I couldn%u2019t
scream because I didn%u2019t want to alarm the hotel, I tried to vomit but nothing,
and I didn%u2019t like it. With that, and despite the Ativan, the anxiety grew. And
grew, And grew.
I figure I was now at the 2 hour
mark. I was experiencing nothing but pure terror. I was literally afraid of
everything, including myself. Actually the one thing that frightened me most
was fear itself. I had no real reason to be afraid, and yet I was. It certainly
was not ego death that scared me, that is what I have been seeking Therefore I
knew my fear was not out of some kind of identity crisis. Yet I was afraid of
being afraid, and also afraid of the fact that the Ativan did absolutely
I decided to seek help by laying down
on the bed and focusing on meditating and good thoughts of love and family, I
kept telling myself who I was and that time was still passing, this worked for
only seconds before the severe anxiety came again, this time it came in the
form of nothingness, I did not know who I was, where I was or what anything
was, I tried to snap out of it and focus on my name again and my family, this
back and fourth came and went for what seemed like an eternity, and yet I still
had this terrible feeling of something desperately needing to come out of my
body, at this point my friend decided that he needs to go for a walk, I said ok
have a fun trip in a very calm manner as not to get him scared of what I was
going through. As he walked out
the door, I heard the door close, and immediately I felt nothing, complete
nothingness, I was terrified. I
was all alone, and yet I didn%u2019t even know what alone was, I snapped out of it
again and tried to focus on meditating on love and family and things that were
familiar, I kept reminding myself who I was and that time was still ticking
away and that this would be over soon. As these thoughts persisted, the terror remained,
I was now possessed by paranoia. I stumbled into the bathroom because I needed to
pee. My vision was blurry as I walked.
As I was in the bathroom I felt the same PAINFUL terror I felt
throughout the trip. I was debating whether or not to go call 911. I figured
since the original source of anxiety was my fear of being in this hotel and not
a safe place, perhaps calling 911 would increase the anxiety. I walked back to
the bed and laid down and tried again to control this trip, and get back to a
After what seemed an eternity, the
feeling inside my body got so intense I could not lay any more, I quickly got
up and jumped in the shower, I put on cold water hoping that it would help snap
me out of this, it didn%u2019t help, after I got out of the shower, I felt nothing,
I felt as though I was dead or was dying, I had a vision of me killing myself,
I then looked in the mirror so I could see that I was me, and all I saw was a
black shadow, furthering the thought of complete nothingness, I was not
prepared for this, so I continued to fight it with everything I had, this was
the battle for my life. I laid
back down on the bed and put on some comforting music and started to meditate
again, it helped for a bit, but then was gone in an instant and I felt
nothingness again, at this point I felt that I could not get out of this and
there was nothing I could do, I started to realize that this was what the
mushroom needed to show me and it was best not to fight it, as I lay and try to
focus on what the mushroom was trying to show me, I got terrified again and
thought I needed to call 911 again, but had enough control not to call because
I knew that would only make the situation even worse, I laid back down,
gripping my towel that I dried off with and tried focusing again on my family
and the knowledge that the mushroom wanted to impart on me. About that time when I thought I could
not longer take the pain in my body, the door came flying open and there stood
my friend, he was laughing hysterically, he laid down on the bed and I grabbed
him like a drowning victim and just started crying, instantly I knew who I was,
who he was and that everything was going to be ok, I suddenly was overcome with
this incredible sense of euphoria and love, I felt I was wrapped up in a
blanket of love, love and compassion and power that only a God can give, it was
something I have never felt before, I was so comfortable, I just laid on the
bed listening to music and talking to my friend about all the realizations that
he had come up with, we were still tripping, but it was wonderful.
This experience of fear reminded me
how pathetic I was. I told this to my friend. He simply told me what a good
person he thought I was, and that I didn%u2019t deserve all the crap that I went
through in my life. I found his comment extremely nice, and started crying. I
then went to lie down, and cried a lot. I have a tendency to suppress negative
emotions. I am guessing that what this trip did was simply release these
suppressions and breaking the dam. I experienced the several year%u2019s worth of
anxiety and despair in 6 hours.
Now that it was about the 4th hour, I
was lying down, occasionally crying. The time between hour 3 and hour 5 seems
to be a blur. I lost track of it and I do not remember all that happened, but
much of it was spent lying down. I didn%u2019t get up, since I was afraid of getting
up. I remember crying a lot, and feeling sorry for myself (something I don%u2019t
normally do), and talking to my friend.
The positive points, though fewer
than the negative ones, were very significant. I remember the first peak I was
lying down, my body twisted, my eyes and mouth wide open, staring at the
ceiling with a feeling of immense wonder. The ceiling was no longer a ceiling,
I don%u2019t know what it was, perhaps a white sky with multicoloured stars and
streams that kept moving? I remember staring at the light. A lot of green
eye-murals (think Alex Grey%u2019s artwork) flew out of the light and swirled around
it, all in geometrically perfection. Since I was afraid of closing my eyes, the
few closed-eye visuals that I saw were faint and chaotic.
After that euphoric peak came another
fit of terror, and that was followed by a sense of %u201Cthis is it%u201D%u2026 my body felt
like it was dying, and I truly believed that I was somehow dying.
In fact, I think this is what the big
problem was. My ego did not die, for some reason. I maintained my ego as I lost
control amongst a lot of confusion and anxiety, and I don%u2019t know why. Perhaps I
did not want to let go because I knew I still had a long trip ahead of me or I
was not ready, and I did not want to alarm the people in the hotel. I also
realized that I needed to be with my wife in a safe place, she has been and
still is my center, my spiritual and emotional guide, I feel more connected to
her than anybody else on the planet. I feel as though my ego remained, and I
went into a rather psychotic state. I know the mushroom was trying to get me to
where I wanted and needed to be, but I fought it as hard as I could instead of
just excepting what was happening and going with it. I know for a fact that at
this point I was just overflowing with love towards everyone (which is
paradoxical with the fear). I felt like nothing mattered, here my ego remained
and knew that I was going insane.
And for the first time ever on a
psychedelic%u2026 I actually forgot that I took a drug! Actually I didn%u2019t forget, it
just somehow ceased to be relevant. I was convinced that I was going to be
This %u201Cinsanity%u201D extended between two
%u201Clows%u201D of terror and one %u201Cpeak%u201D of euphoria. During this one peak, I felt God-intoxicated.
I felt like I had super-human powers. I had many twisted thoughts, including
the idea of walking outside naked in public (now it was back to raining %u2013
almost a storm) BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERED AND NOW I HAVE BECOME GOD AND WILL DIE
SOON!!!! However, in spite this insanity, I had a grain of reason left in my
mind, and that told me to stay as still and as silent as possible, and that
that would be the best way out.
I would say that I have never felt so
much fear in my life as I had during that trip. I really did not enjoy it. And
yet, at the end it was worth it. The only thing I regret is putting myself in
such a strange and uncomfortable place, away from my wife. I had suicidal ideas
before and now I would never kill myself. I simply cannot cope with the guilt.
Although I said I will never touch mushrooms again during the trip, I now think
I might consider taking them after some more preparation and meditation.
However, they definitely deserve much more respect than they are given on the
I know that I need to continue to
explore farther into my mind to and continue to seek out a total loss of ego,
however at this point I feel that I am very educated but more filled with fear
of going back to that place of terror.
My QUESTION is how do I continue to trip without this fear, or inducing
this anxiety again? Any and all
help is greatly appreciated, you people have helped more than you will ever
know, more than any doctor or prescription medication ever will.
hey bud. also a combat vet from Iraqi freedom. divorced and remarried. did the whole prescription drug thing. there is pretty much a standard cocktail for vets. it will numb u but wont fix u. quit that years ago. lost years of life from that. good choice not to take them.
I have re-visited many parts of my traumatic experiences from war and even other ones through the use of psychedelics.
The shrooms do speak to you. they r very much alive. So far, when im on a high dose of shrooms I don't really bond with anyone but myself, so for me- I don't like to trip real high with my wife- but its ur call.
How do we move on with our lives? The lords prayer has a good clue when it says -to forgive our trespasses and forgive those that trespass against us. Being that all humans on earth are all trying to do their best, in their own perception, we are all hurting others much of the time weither we know it or not. Even in our best intentions, chances are that were doing something wrong according to the experience of another.
So for me, the first step in healing is forgiving myself for the things that I have done in my life.(no matter how bad) And forgiving others for the pain they have bestowed upon me.
Its really about letting go, so we can move foreward.
U are very correct, there is much more down the rabbit hole. Such as you are not your body. You can leave it at will. You can be happy. You can love, and spread love and make something beautiful in this world. Also, i remember that without the dark, would there be light? Balance is in the middle.
Just my 2 cents friend