Posted by ExVitaAbire (10/27/12 06:39 PM)
I'm the author of this report.  Don't know how to respond to comments but this is directed towards "marijuana man".

Something I ought to fess up to is that while I offered interpretation in the report, I still have NO bloody idea what it all meant.  There was no "divine understanding" or "nirvana", just pure chaos and irrationality.   It illustrated to me just how firmly I could stand by a choice and defend it possibly to death.  In all honesty it was vanity.  My will was able to stand its own against incredible odds, and it just made me feel good to know I had that in me.  Don't think it mattered much what the circumstances were, it was just my arrogant self choosing to make life a little interesting.  Throw a wall in my path just so I could find a way around it.  I love puzzles and challenges, and ordinary life had begun to feel just damn boring.

Wish there was more to say, but I just don't know.  One should not SEARCH for purpose, one should CREATE it.   The purpose I give to the whole ordeal is that of an adventure, a short exiting roller coaster which made me feel alive, and Ive not lost the enthusiasm it inspired, nor the happiness and gratitude towards the people in my life whom made the fight for my soul all the more powerful and moving.

I cannot judge your situation, but it seems much more intense.  Mine went on overnight, and took place all in my head under the influence of potent psychoactive chemicals.  Because of that the reward of victory was good, but not altogether life changing.  Yours, on the other hand, has actually taken place within "real life", a much more confusing place.  All I could offer is that you find a way to face whatever it was that defeated you, and beat it.  Get back some confidence, then face the wasteland of reality head-on.  Give that desire to do something a conscience direction and see where it goes.  Best of luck brother.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

Posted by marijuana man (10/26/12 01:47 PM)

Wow Microscope thank you for sharing this story.  I recently had an experience that seemed to teach me exactly the same general lesson, and vary only in the details.  If you don't mind me sharing my account of the story, it is this:  

I have been a frequent user of marijuana for perhaps around a year.  This is August or September 2012 (I can't even remember now), one day I felt that things had been boiling up inside me to the point where I needed to release in the form of performing an action.   A big, outrageous, earth-shaking action.  Only I wasn't at all sure what this action was supposed to be, or even why I was doing it.  It was entirely lacking direction.   However I still felt the insatiable whisper in my mind to break out and do something that would 'free myself and others'.  

My immediate instincts were to run away, and in fact I did, temporarily.  After partaking in a bowl or so with friends in a university ghetto one afternoon, I decided that I could not go on in my usual way.  That taking a seat in my chair was no longer an acceptable feeling.  How bothersome a feeling!  But an undeniable one.

I ended up packing a knapsack half-hazardly and literally walked out my front door with no mention to anyone of my plans of no-return

I began for the first time in possibly my entire life, behaving in a way that seemed solely oriented by my intuition.  

Never before had I attempted to do things without acting on very ingrained, subconscious expectations.  I used to and always had done A for B, keeping both well within the limits of my 'logic and safety'.   This episode differed in that I began simply following whatever A I summoned into my head (God knows on what principles) and assumed it would bring me to a suitable B, the next A

To skip over the details of the story, which included my being in a forest, a neighbouring town , and eventually to the street  as a bed, it concluded in the original confines of my regular habitation.  

As you may expect at this point, quite a panic had stirred over my whereabouts, and nearly my entire family immediate and distant had been alerted of my disappearance (cell phones have now become the bane of my existence)

A day later I attempted a similar stunt, with more of a permanent conclusion, but failed in my efforts, was surrounded by those around me, and promptly checked into a mental hospital.

Now here is where I fear my story differs essentially from yours, and also where I feel the need to offer my most conscious congratulations to your efforts that heroic evening, if your efforts were in fact to your favour.  I had my oppourtunity to flea from the Serpent, but instead I chose to give into 'the most comfortable sensation imaginable', and I indeed forfeited my will to the seduction of the devil.  At least I can say I put up something of a fight (how could I not), but ultimately I am still plagued with disappointment and self-defeat.  Only what I was supposed to succeed at is still as unknown to me now as it was then :(

I believe that this was a test a faith, given to be by 'The Flow of the World', my path, my destiny.  It seems to contain almost all of the things you described in your story, in its own way.  
All of the people surrounding me did appear to be 'against me' or 'in on my demise'.  I began interpreting my reality in a very convoluted yet specific way.  For a good while I believed that the people who supposedly loved me my whole life were trying only to convince me of untruth, and that it was my reality to interpret everything they spoke to be the exact opposite of the truth :| 

I am very curious to know how you are doing these days, if you are still around and able to respond to this comment.  I find myself slipping in and out of this modality of thought, though I don't pursue it anymore.  The indecision and lack of understanding makes me anxious, I feel like I am failing in my purpose and letting everyone around me down.  Maybe the truth is just something I do not want to know right now :(   Shit.

Anyways, I hope no one became distressed by my writing.  Thanks for reading and I appreciate any comments as this is the most bizarre period of my life and very unrelatable.  Peace? :P