Your trip sounds beautiful.

I don't know if you'll actually read this or be able to respond but I've had those exact same experiences in regards to the spiritual/cosmic part, and after enough of those experiences realized I am "god", i am everything, etc, and essentially everything you realized and felt.

"I watched all of this, not as an observer, but from a perspective of self-awareness, as in, the body under the tree ceased to define the boundaries of "myself". I felt like I WAS the tree and the birds and the beaver and the algae on the rocks in the lake, and the Life that fills my human body is the same life that flows through every living thing, a single entity.

I was not a human lying in the forest, but ALL life, spreading out through every living cell not only now, but since the beginning of time, pulsating and flowing in and out through various forms as bodies live and die."

asjldfaf.... That's EXACTLY what I experienced.


But here's the thing. And I have been dying to ask this question to someone who understands. But I have never found anyone to discuss it with who understands and you would definitely qualify.

Months later, I gradually sunk into an ugly state of depression/psychosis. I found myself asking....

"If I'm everything, then what else is there?"

Meaning if I am everything.... I am all alone. I am all that exists, nothing will ever exist that isn't just me, beneath it all. I started seeing everything and everyone I know as just myself beneath their shell. No one existed to me anymore, nothing existed to me anymore except Myself. I frantically searched for another answer... like frantically searching for something outside of myself... anything at all... to soothe the lonliness. I was like no.... this can't be true... this can't be the reality... i can't be all that exists... But there was nothing. just me. And I was all alone in this whole universe, because i WAS this entire universe. No one was real to me anymore and everyone I talked to felt like I was talking to myself. I was so lonely and I would have given ANYTHING to feel love coming at me from somewhere else, I would have given anything to even have a conversation with something else other than me, but I was everything... so I was alone. I tried to talk to my dad about it (i forced myself to talk to him even though i knew it was just me) and I remember him hugging me and saying "I love you. You can't feel that? [the  hug]"  and I bursted out crying and kept hugging him and just bursted out crying saying "I wish you were real" with the most intense longing in existence, he was just a mirage to me (this is months after tripping btw) and it was almost like everyone I had ever known had all just died at once... including my dad. Except worse, because it was ALSO like they never existed in the first place, this whole time they were just figments of my imagination/ other forms of myself. To all the sudden realize my dad never really existed and all these things... god. It was a brutal time. I came to the conclusion that "Existence" was a ride/ drug that God (i) created in order to forget his own loneliness.... a ride of sending out a million droplets of his own consciousness out onto the ride to form everything that exists.... God didn't create anything God BECAME everything.... just so he could feel that illusion of love and companionship that we as humans can experience (but i realized it was all an illusion so i couldn't feel it anymore) so I determined that my ride has stopped..... I ,  as God, have "come down" off my "drug/high/ride" of "existence" and have once again come back to my own loneliness now that I have come down and remembered it all.... so now only 2 choices are left (and i know this as from my own experience with personal drug addiction) what happens when you come down? The only choices now are to either get back on the ride, or to face that loneliness that you were running from in the first place.... but the loneliness was simply unfaceable. Hence the whole creation of existence thing.  I figured the only way to "get back on the ride" was to kill myself and come back in a new life where I am once again blinded by illusion of thinking other things exist besides me, therefore I can experience companionship. I decided to kill myself because that was what made sense to me, but it still seemed so sketchy.... I decided I would give it a little while before I actually killed myself, at least a month or so, to see if anything changed. Luckily I gradually started coming back to "reality"... (or maybe back into illusion?) either way, things gradually started to feel a little more real. But I have still been dying to discuss this with someone who understands which I have never found. The question is, if I/you are everything...................


 doesn't that mean you're completely alone?


I am dying to hear your thoughts/ someones thoughts :(