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Computer Lab Entry
as I walked to the computer lab... I was tripping pretty hard by the time I got there. I was all by myself:::
i'm having what feels likke an out of body experience. i can edit this later. my fingers feel so... dreamy. are my thoughts really projecting out onto the paper? i glance up at the screen.
what are my thoughts?
many. this could go on for a long while. i'm lucky i'm an experienced individual. what it feels like to be alone... though. it feels quite good. make no mistake. i feel serenity. of course i'm so used to having others around me. caring.... caring SOOOO much what they think... what they feel. deep down. i'm really just looking for something that makes them human, like me. these abstract thoughts. they will make sense later, of course.
i have a new job. ****. it's fast-paced. my legs hurt at the end of the day. it's definitely different there. mindy is wonderfull. so are most of the people i work with. frank seems like a stead-fst fellow. daniel is sort of a gay fucking pansy dickhead. i don't know any of them very well. perhaps i should focus on what my problems might be as i percieve them. yes, as i percieve them i may have a biased view. i should become more objective and focused. of course, all i really think they care about is getting the tasks at hand completed. what are they hoping for, the people i work with? are they really just looking forward to getting out of there... away from me...? am i this egotistical? thinking that somehow it all revolves around me? absolutely not. they have lives to live, and of course things that are central to them are very different than me. i think i'm so different. i'm human. very human. i feel the need to write about my fellow co-workers. of course, now our lives are intertwined. how funny is this.... to have happened. i get so caught up in my own feelings. of course it is hard to let them go. i am human. MUSIC.
got sidetracked. again. i have a small footprint in life. compared to the large large scope of things. no matter what i do i'll always be a nook in some cranny under some rug inbetween the cracks. wow lil wayne is carrying me away at the moment. he's pretty cool.
i should work on my cool. i think it means to be just flow. flow with the events. take my time, just do my best. look at me lovin this jive fuckin weak ass system of a computer speakers. goddamnit. i love the human experience, that's it.
how it relates to work is this: no matter what i'm doing.. i feel rushed, confined, not truly free. but the reality IS THIS: that i need to flow. i need to be into what i'm doing. what i'm scheduled to do. as much as my life is in the open, up in the air, i feel the need for it to be. of course i wish i had the means to do more. but i'm also grateful for what i do have. grateful to take these breathes. grateful to be so alive. alive to choose and live. i find so many questions perplexing.
why my seeming inability to do anything? i'm confident. i went into my new job somewhat scared. i needn't have been/ i am me. me. me. me. me. i am me and always will be. as much as i love thinking about what it is to be somebody else. have i really taken the time to feel.
i focus a lot on what i could do. mostly i'm just doin what i do. looking for more. finding it where i can. life is good. i should take time to just chat and be less concientious of myself in front of others. although some people can be unpredictable? what do i have to fear? fear itself, basically.
just flwoiinnnn. spelling wrong is fantastic too. i have to remain contented where i'm at doing what i do. it's just this fantastic. people fascinate me. i just have to remain friendly, people notice me anyway, no matter what i do. i can be great with hard work. of course i'll only chance these seemingly blissful states of mind once in a while. that's ok. i'll just remain mindful. life seems overwhelming. it's really not. bare necessities. mother nature's recipes. forget about my worries and my strife.
i really need to watch the jungle book. omg it's SO FUCKIN GOOD.