Trapped in a Time Loop, a Prisoner in my Own Mind

First, some background on my drug use. I have been a daily smoker of cannabis for around 1 year, I thoroughly enjoy this drug and sometimes I tend to use it to much. I have done mushrooms 5 times previously, all yielding great results and visuals with little mindfuck. Recently me and 2 of my friends, who we’ll call G and M, have been interested in MDMA. We have done the drug together 2 times previous to the experience I am about to tell. Note: all other experiences with MDMA have been combined with cannabis.

            Me G and M had been preparing for the night of the experience for months. We had obtained all the chemicals 2 weeks prior to the trip. We acquired an eighth of potent blue splattered psilocybe cubensis mushrooms (we were warned to take only half, and that they produced strong mindfuck), 3 blue key MDMA pills estimated at 60-70 mg each. 2 orange keys suspected to have the exact same content as the blue keys. 2 green Iron cross pills estimated to have a highish dose (100-120 mg) of MDMA, and estimated 300 mg of 95-100% pure MDMA powder. Last but not least, an eighth of highly potent cannabis.

            SETTING: My room, parents asleep across the hall. My room was decked out with trippy blacklight posters, a fog machine and a lava lamp. We had two sober sitters watching over us.

            We had been looking forward to this night for an entire month and hoped to have the most profound experience of our lives. We were all in extremely high spirits the night of the trip. On a side note I had SAT’s the same day of the trip. Now onto the trip.

            G and I ate our mushrooms, Me having 2 grams, G having 1.7 grams. M gobbled up his share of the MDMA powder (150 mg). Within 10 minutes G and I shared how we felt slightly anxious and we had the feeling of butterflies in our stomachs. Ten minutes later I ate my share of the MDMA powder, and G chewed and swallowed 2 key pills at the same time. Within ten more minutes we noted how my window seemed to be flowing like liquid, this was to be our first visual disturbance. I looked at S’s shirt to see that it seemed to expand and contract, as if it were breathing. I had strong feelings of excitement at this time, with very positive thoughts. During this time G seemed to be transfixed in his drawings and was drawing some very bizarre images. I looked to S’s plain, gray sweatshirt and noticed that it had taken on an image of very intricate and colorful designs. The room started to look very strange and otherworldly; me and G later confirmed that it seemed like a cave. M seemed to be feeling the MDMA strongly and was extremely happy and euphoric.

            We decided it would be best to head out to the bon fire we had prepared, as the small quarters of my room seemed to confining. As we walked into the kitchen the lights seemed extremely intense and I could hardly focus my eyes because they were darting back and fourth uncontrollably. I noticed how deep red the color of a wooden cabinet appeared. As I looked at it the shade of the red seemed to change, until it seemed as if it had completely transformed into a new color. This was extremely interesting, yet confusing. I approached the cabinet and exclaimed out loud “what color are you”. The grain in the wood of the table also appeared to smear and take on intricate patterns. G also seemed to be entranced by the cabinet as well. After “exploring” my living room and kitchen we finally made it out to the fire. (On a note I also seemed to notice extreme time dilation).  We sat by the bon fire and marveled in awe at its beauty. Me G and M decided we should go lie down on my trampoline and discuss life. I stared at the stars, transfixed; they were swirling into black hole type designs. On the trampoline we got into subjects we would never discuss, I.E relationships with girls and why we don’t have them. I think that this subject was a bit much for my brain to handle. We continued to talk for around 20 minutes; I think this was the time that the MDMA peaked for all of us, as we were extremely talkative and getting into very deep subjects. Before we headed down I kind of wandered off the trampoline and listened to the conversation that M and G were having. I heard them talking about a difference between the 2 of them and me, I think this is what set me off. I began to overanalyze every word any one was saying and my thoughts began to get very loopy. I thought of myself on a different level then the 2 of them and I thought I was a bad person. We headed down to the fire again, and me and G decided it was a good idea to smoke a bowl. I took 3 hits, as did G, M abstained from smoking. We promptly headed back inside to my room.

            Smoking that bowl was a mistake. Once inside my room the bad vibes continued to rise. M asked me if I would like to sing a song while he played the guitar, in my state of mind I interpreted him to be an evil entity driving me into insanity.  I fell out of the conversation, as my mind began to go into a loop of negative thoughts. What was different about me? Why do I have to be different? What’s wrong with me? G and M continued to converse, as I struggled to pull myself out of the loop and get back into the conversation. I became extremely confused, and G and M began to take notice with questions such as, what’s wrong with C, He isn’t talking anymore. I noticed this and began to try and get back into the conversation only to notice that I wasn’t making any sense. For example someone would say something like “That trampoline conversation was pretty sick”, then I would frantically try and respond with something like, “yah, that trampoline was really expensive”. Things continued to get increasingly more confusing, until it got to the point that I thought both G and M were tricking me into answering their questions. Then I started second guessing myself and I began to think I was losing my sanity. I repeatedly exclaimed that I was tripping way too hard, and that I thought I may be having a bad trip. I heard every conversation in the room on different tracks in my mind. I could hear each one separately, and I began to overanalyze every word. I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my mind; my mind was looping the same thoughts over and over again, what’s wrong with me? Am I going insane? I also began to have an extreme sense of déjà vu and was getting irrationally paranoid whenever anyone left my room. Thoughts of my family coming in only sent me further downward in my spiral of insanity.

            Then all negative memories began to flood my mind, I struggled to control myself and calm down by saying it was only a chemical, but I couldn’t escape, I was a prisoner to my own mind. All emotions of fear, terror, and panic combined to form a “super” emotion that was pounding my brain and telling me I was losing my mind. During the peak of my insanity I looked at my walls to see that they were melting like a candle, not a cool thing to see when you are losing grip on reality. I panicked and sat down next to my sober friend S and begged him to bring me back. He tried comforting me, telling me to relax and be calm, but it was no use. I curled up in the fetal position and began to cry and grasp S’s hand with extreme force. My ego dissolved into nothing and I was left with the thought that the mushrooms had triggered a psychosis state and that I was doomed to be insane forever. G began to take note of my situation and I feared that I was going to pull him into my nightmare. He thought I was having some sort of deep revelation with S and he wanted to be a part of it. I told him to forget about me and just enjoy himself, and that I was having a bad trip and I didn’t want to pull him into it. I stayed in this position for approximately 45 min, until I slowly began to regain some control over my emotions. I sat on my bed and closed my eyes and attempted to sleep it off. It was no use, sleeping was not an option at this point. At this point M grabbed my hand and told me that I was going to be alright, I began to come out of the loop and get a grasp on reality. After I felt the mushrooms wearing off G, M, and I began to get into light, easy conversation, but I noticed that if I stopped talking with G and M my mind would start to fall back into a loop, and I would have to fight myself back out of that negative place. I dropped a blue and an orange key, and Me G and M proceeded to bond on a new level as we stayed up the entire night and watched the sun rise.

            Before this experience I considered myself a psychedelics type of person, but this trip put me on my ass and taught me not to fuck around with them. Its not all fun and games and seeing cool shit. I learned a great deal about myself from this trip and I am never touching psychedelics again. After this experience I felt as if I had lost a piece of myself, I struggled to find out who I was. Only now, 5 days after this traumatic experience, am I starting to feel like my old self. I regret taking those mushrooms, and wish I could go back in time and not do them. I think it was a combined factor of things that sent me on this bad trip to hell. 1. I had taken SAT’s earlier in the day and I think the long, grueling test weakened my mind, and it couldn’t properly handle the intense psychedelic experience that was to follow. 2. Cannabis, weed already makes me paranoid by itself, and I think that plus the mindfuck from the mushrooms was too much for my brain to comprehend. 3. The conversation that I heard when G and M were discussing the differences of our personalities. I overanalyzed the situation and I thought that there was something wrong with me. Whatever the reason, I know one thing; I will not be taking mushrooms or any psychedelic ever again. This experience was the scariest experience of my entire life.