Sweet Sweetness.

So, a week ago I decided to eat 8 grams of some Z-strain mushrooms that I grew on my second grow.  They were grown on BRF cakes that were then crumbled and cased in 50/50, if you care..  Sweet.  Anyway, I think it should be said that I used to trip pretty extensively on LSD, back in my late teens and early twenties.  Also, I have been eating the fruits of my more recent growing exploits somewhat regularly as of late.  Mushrooms are the only drug I do anymore, for various reasons. I don't really know what I am looking for with all these trips lately...  I am looking for something, but I'm not sure what.   Anyway..   On with it.

I trip alone.  I prefer it that way.  No loser fucking up your trip with their ridiculous shenanigans, or freaking out about the cops, or mommy or whatever.  No sitter, either.  At about 4pm I ate the chocolate sweetness I had mixed up, and it took a while to eat it.  Long enough, so that I was beginning to feel a little flipped before I was done munching.  The one thing about eating chocolate sweetness in large amounts is that all that sugar mixed with the general nausea that accompanies shrooms, tends to make your stomach turn a bit.  But anyway, off to the shower.  Lights off, of course, so you can feel the effects come on, watch the light show start, and get in the right frame of mind. 

So after that, being the jackass that I am, I turn the TV on and watch a little.  I have found in the past that TV is a real buzzkill.   So, I'm watching some crap, when I accidently hit the remote and change the channel to 777.  Static.  Awesome.  Now, I realize I am tripping.  So, out comes the laptop and the tunes.  Floating through the library I settle on a little White Album goodness, and listen to Happiness is a Warm Gun.  I found that title line fucking hilarious, and immediatly fell into the kind of ecstatic and uncontrollable laughter that comes with a good trip.  You know?  Squeaking and grunting?  It was awesome.  So after jumping around my apartment, making an absolute racket, I sat back down and found some more music..  I'm so tired, Julia..  then on to Cake, and finally..  Calexico.

Calexico.  This is where it got interesting.  First of all, allow me to recommend their Black Light album to anyone, and everyone.  It is very instrumental, and the band does an excellent job of setting moods with their songs.  Fantastic band.  I found myself staring into the static that remained on the TV.. the depth of it stung me.  It was great.  Anyway, Gypsy's Curse comes on, and I shut my eyes with the computer on my chest and drift into my trip.   For thirty minutes (judging by how far I got into the album when looking the next day) I sat here on my couch and felt absolute bliss, harmony, and exhaultation.  I wanted to tell everyone, all at once, how I felt, and how they needed to feel it with me.  At this point I began getting into some real serious circular thought that I was fighting with for the rest of the night, but that's okay.  Over and over I felt the overwhelming need to shout from the rooftops how wonderful my trip was.  And wonderful it was.  I was absolutely transfixed my the moods coming out of this Calexico album, and was sure that nothing could ruin it.  As I sat there I felt the warmth of my computer on my chest, and decided to close my laptop.  

The music stopped.

I cannot convey how crushed I felt.  I cried out "NOOOOO!" at the top of my lungs.  I tried to open the computer back up, but it was too late.  I tried to reconcile how absolutely perfect I had felt, with my perfect idiocy when I shut the music off.  Shit happens.. you know?  I collapsed and cried.  I got up and stumbled into the bathroom with the lights off, but the door open, and sat on the toilet.  At this point I blacked out for an instant and woke up probably 10 seconds later under the sink and counter trapped behind the toilet, having absolutely no idea where I was.  Insanity had set in.  Where am I?  What is happening?  Thankfully, I remembered that I had eaten some shrooms and was tripping.  Slowly, I got up and sat back on the toilet.  Now, I was tripping.  Hard.  Panic raced through me.  I want out.  Make it stop.  True melting hallucinations, not that candy shit you usually see, and I was soaked in sweat.  My heart was racing.  Panic.

Thank God, I had been there before.  I was finally able to use a bit of advice I had gotten probably 10 years before.  The shortest distance between two points.. is a straight line.  If you know what I mean, you know what I mean. The quickest way out is straight ahead.  Don't panic.. focus.  Calm down I said to myself.  Calm Down.  I did.  I got up, went to my bed and layed in the dark.  I was so happy that I had been able to salvage my state of my mind that I began flipping all over my bed laughing hysterically again.  Then the nonsense talk started.  God, how I wish I had recorded it all.  Squirming around my bed, laughing hysterically about all the thoughts racing through my head, I felt consumed.  And, I consumed.  It was pretty intense.  Then, as I laid there, I had a moment of clarity.  The fog of the trip lifted and I woke up.   I looked around, and realized I had found what I was looking for.  A connection with the universe, and a feeling (even if it was just a feeling) of connection with God.  I was so thankful.  I still am.  Thank you. 

After that it was a real cycle.  I would devolve into the squirming mental rants, followed by another parting of the clouds and clarity.  It was a real experience.  Finally I got up, and went back out to the couch and turned the music back on.  The night went on, and I slowly sobered up.  Eventually, I went back to my bed and laid there for probably 5 hours before I fell asleep.

What do I say?  I think, "Wow" sums it up for me.  Ever since, I find myself reflecting on the round-the-world emotional spiral I went through... from music and joy, to no music and desolation, to under the toilet, to panic, to terror, to control, and back to joy.  The cycle took maybe 5 minutes.  Maybe.  Still, it was more intense than anything I have experienced in years.  Maybe ever.  I am still so, so thankful for that universal connection I felt. Overwhelming!!  Due to that feeling, I have been living better ever since.  Thank you. I also, just want to say to anyone reading this... be careful.  I know my limits and I pushed them.  I made it out, but it could have gotten dirty.  I have no regrets, and despite having seen what could have happened, I will probably still push that envelope a little further.  Hopefully, it doesn't fall off the table.  Also, have faith.  If you look for something, even if you don't know what it is, you will find it.  I found mine, and I couldn't be happier.  Thank you.

thedefone.