It has been many years since I've tried mushrooms, about 20 to be exact. Strange how I felt called to have this experience again. Much had happened in this twenty years: besides the passage of time. I felt very "old" and encased by some very difficult experiences: One of which was my mother's passing after a long, long bout with cancer. She was the heart of our family for me and my sister and we were all very close. Notice I did not mention my father.. that was another anchor around my soul...
I consumed a peanutbutter sandwich with 4.19 grams of dried South American mushrooms mixed in at about 8pm. Very surprised how fast things started to affect me. Within twenty minutes, I could no longer think clearly to write notes to myself, I was too "into" the experience to waste time trying to write it all down. I went outside. I believe this to be the best place to really experience the "connectedness". Indoors is so artificial.. It can be fun but is none-the-less artificial. I did not have as much time outdoors as I would have liked. I wanted to also experience the evening and night for the first time. How beautiful it all is.. the immersion or symbiosis that occurs with everything around you. So beautiful. In 30 to 40 minutes I was seeing patterns in nature: The grass, clouds, the wind in the trees.. it all had meaning and purpose. I kept saying to myself, "why haven't I ever stopped to see this beauty before?" I brought my guitar outside and a large spring-drum - by REMO ( which is a terrific drum in any state of mind) but awesome in this state. To walk through the grass playing the rhythms that flowed through me.... I soon lost my ability to play the guitar.. but the drum is perfect for that state of mind. Time was very distorted. I felt hours had gone by when it was still under one hour since I began. I started talking to myself, externally voicing my thoughts.. and became concerned that neighbors in the area would take notice so I went inside.( I'm glad I did because I was constatnly talking to myself and LAUGHING!!!! WOW)
AHHHH what a confined feeling. Plus I was amazed how messy I kept everything... This is still only about 1h 10 min into the experience. I was on "auto pilot" at this point: Aware of myself and surroundings ( ahh so messy!) At one point I looked at a picture of my mother on the mantel of the fireplace. At this time my vision was very distorted, and what was at first a picture became an encounter with my mother. Not that she "appeared" to me but the picture became a link that felt like a presence. I could no longer maintain the "walls" of protection I had built to avoid or deny the truth that she was gone ( at least in the physical sense) It was an incredible experience. The grief I was unable to express poured out of me. Depths of sorry I could never allow in a "normal" state, a depth equal to the depth of love I had and still hold. Strange how "clear" things are in this state. How totally consuming and "honest".. none of the protective defenses saying "don't cry" or any of that internal dialogue. Just a total soul felt release of sorrow. Remember this is still within the first 1h 30 min. of the voyage. After this, I saw myself in the mirror of the bathroom and listened to myself and the negative comments I had as I watched this image I was seeing. I realized the habitual negative dialogue, I was unconsciously telling myself now. These walls too I over came... realizing and accepting myself as Okay.... the same way you look around and feel this connection with everyting, I could not deny the connection with myself. A connection of uncritical acceptance and understanding. These were walls that had been build strong over a life time. That I felt gently come down. The remaining 4 plus hours were spent inside.. some music, some resting on the bed with fantastic visuals, I actually watched the "zone rings" screen saver on my computer.. which is awesome. I hit levels of elation I've never known. Many beautiful experiences.. though very intense. I was up till about 3am, did not sleep well and was very tired for the next two days: My body was drained and weak.. One Heck of a emotional rollar coaster but very healing. I'm very greatful to the "mushroom gods" or to whatever/whomever credit is to be given? In later talks with a friend. I realized one of the powerful effects of mushrooms is the way it eliminates the awareness of past and present. It prevents us from deluding ourselves to think we are any place but the present. It made me capable of only living in the "here and now". Maybe this is our ultimate way of avoidance and denial.. To think we are anyplace but in the present? I know I'll take other journeys in the future, maybe to explore other treasures in this magical kingdom. I wish all travelers safe and prosperous journeys too. Thank you for "listening" P.S. I spent the next two days going over the entire house and cleaning, organizing etc. I understand how "clutter" affects our spirit now... both the internal and external kind.. smile
P.P.S. - This may have been bordering on a level 4 experience?