I wasn't planning on tripping that night. The boyfriend and I had just returned from the movies and were snuggled in bed, we had to as there was no heat in the house. He had lit a few candles and the stereo was on. Once we got under a couple blankets and a sleeping bag I felt so warm and snug. We had been talking about my using mushrooms for several months. I'm a recovering alcoholic for 13 years. I didn't want to relapse, but after listening to him talk about his trips, I thought they might take me to another level of centeredness. To knock the cobwebs off my karma in a way that therapy or meetings couldn't do. I had never done any psychodelics in my life. A boyfriend in high school had told me I shouldn't do them because I wasn't mentally ready to handle it and at the time he was completely right. I was a mess back then. I knew now I was ready and had decided to try them when the time was right.
Why not now? I broached the idea to him, even though the hour was late and we were tired. The mood was right in the house, there was no denying that. He was concerned that it was too late, but he agreed to stay up with me. The idea of going on my first trip woke me right up. G- got out his mushroom ziploc and put what he thought would be the right amount for a decent little trip and handed it to me in a mason jar. There were about 8 average size ones and couple of babies. They tasted mushroomy, and stuck in my teeth. While I munched, he picked some music for young trippers and lit a few more candles. I laid back to wait.
We talked for half and hour or so, with him interrupting me to ask me if I was ok half a dozen times. It was sweet. I knew about the nausea possibilities but I wasn't really worried about anything. I just kept looking around the room waiting for weirdness to happen. About 45 minutes after ingestion I got a small taste of the the inevitable trip. The colors got brighter and the details in the wood paneling started to stand out. I got up to go the bathroom and noticed for the first time how green it was. At the same time I could feel my stomach starting to knot up, just a little, and my whole body started to feel expansive and light. I kept expecting this wave to roll over me, but it was just a ripple. I got back into bed. Another 15 minutes and the wave started to come in. My muscles got all jumpy like there was an electric current under my skin. And I could hear my breath in my ears, sharp and defined like standing in a winter forest when all you can hear is the hush of snow. Every inhale hit the back of my head until my mouth felt big and numb and my jaw was heavy but still no hallucinations. The shadows seemed a little weird and the cat's aura was lime green, but still I was starting to worry that I didn't take enough. Then I closed my eyes.
Oh my God! Look at this. Why didn't he tell me? I thought. "G-, G-, the trip starts in your head!" I told him. I was so excited. I was inside my head and it was hollow, like a big cave with dancing patterns on the walls, which themselves buckled and waved and expanded. Row after row of patterns, fit together in changing color that turned into tiny cartoon people flashing by. It was like Keith Hareing meeting M.C. Escher. Then parts of the row would bulge towards me and turn around and I could see each detail, each little face inside the pattern and the face would smile at me. Meanwhile, back in the room, I was getting some visual effects, but nothing spectatular. Until I noticed the terrarium sparkling in the candle light. The mushroom house looked so beautiful, with crystal tears dripping down the side of it. And Zeppelin was playing. I thought, G- knew. He knew how beautiful this would be and he set it up, just for me because he loves me. I felt his love unencumbered by insecurity, jealousy or need. Of course. This is how he loves me, I never knew.
My first shell came off. And I was beautiful and whole and unhurt by sorrows or mistakes. I was a grown woman in baby skin. I had no anxieties, no fears. And several little fairies started laughing joyfully, we're so happy for you, you're free. Why do I carry these weights around, I wondered. They have no meaning. I tried telling G- all this but I kept getting distracted by the breathing mandela. He got up to go to the bathroom and as he walked past, the kitchen started to melt. Suddenly, I felt like a tourist in the land of Trip...and on your right is the melting kitchen. Next stop is the breathing ceiling. The shadows of the ceiling fan were spinning ever though it wasn't on and all the ceiling tiles pushed out in rush and then settled back down.
I closed my eyes again and I was in a cave made of ice. There were 3 shadow people in there and the wallsof the cave started to crack and fall away. The shadows started to walk deeper into the recesses. I wanted to follow them, but I thought, this is for the next time. I turned around and was staring at patterns again, all in magenta and ice blue. Out of the pattern stepped the mushroom queen and her men. They winked at me and disappeared behind the synapse stalactites. By now the waves were coming in quicker and quicker, like contractions, like the tide washing over me and each one brought some new revelation, a new vision and I felt like there were so many levels to the trip, each one acting alone but together, depending on how I focused on it. I walked to the bathroom. The walls were peeling and every bump stood out, waiting to get my attention. The wood towel rack was glowing and weaving in and out of the grain. I looked at the ceiling. Uh-oh.Too much mold. Quickly, I looked away. Don't get me started with the mold, I thought. I wanted more Zeppelin but I couldn't read the buttons on the stereo and the whole thing had red neon lines zipping through it. Somehow I managed without calling for help.
I was starting to get really tired but the neon Vegas side show was still going on in my head. I started to drift in and out, dreaming and awake at the same time. G- was snoring lightly and the waves were slowing, but each one crested longer. I no longer felt giddy and high. I felt earthy, warm and centered. Idly my mind started thinking and perusing the experience. It must be over, or at least winding down. I was a little disappointed, it seemed so short. That's when I realized I had been licking my fingers for half an hour. One at a time. It felt really good, I noticed, a little sheepish. I held my hand out, it was shiny and tight and the veins were dancing just under my skin, dividing smaller and smaller. I put my finger back in my mouth. God, I thought, this is like being on both sides of giving head. I'm the tongue and the tongued. I still felt silly but not enough to care. Or stop. Mmmmmmm.
I started to get cold again and the muscle shakes came back. At some point I finally drifted off into a Tom Robbins dreamscape of swirling colors and textures. I awoke a couple hours later and like Dorothy in reverse, everything was in black and white. Slowly the drab colors of reality bled back in and I realized it was over.
That's not everything, could you really describe everything?