It began at work. My best friend and I worked together in the stock room of our store. We were bored as hell, being the dedicated workers that we were. So I ran to my apartment, (which was just a couple of minutes away) and grabbed a bottle of vodka. It was maybe 6 o'clock. By the time it came to close up the store and go home, we had finished the bottle.
Yes, so far, we were feeling a little better and a lot less bored. Our boss is a moron-jerk-asshole, so he didn't even notice. So then my friend, he pulls out this bag of mushrooms. We didn't even say anything. We just dove in and ate the whole damn thing. Then, we punched out, and left our beloved workplace.
So where should we go? I ask him. He looked at me. I don't know, he says. And we laugh. Because right now we think that is the funniest thing on earth. We laugh and laugh for what seems like hours, but really, it's more like two minutes.
So we take a stroll over to my apartment. Yes, I'm a girl and he's a guy, but we are just friends, so we didn't mess around, although I wish we had. I would have given him the best blow job. But nobody wants to hear about that, huh? So anyway, when we get inside, I notice there are these crazy vines hanging from my ceiling, and they keep poking me in the eyes and scratching my face. What the fuck?! Where did these come from? I keep asking. My friend doesn't see anything, but laughs instead. Then the vines turn to worms. They wiggle, curl up on themselves, and totally freak me out. We laugh some more, about stupid things. We talk, phone people, stare at the ceiling. . . . .
Okay, this sucks. So we go out for dinner. THE KEG is our favorite restaurant, so we decide to go there. The usual things happen. The table melts onto my lap and I imagine a stain that makes everyone in the restaurant think I wet my pants. The plants beside the tables are really neat too. Their leaves, they turn to butterflies and fly all around. But I am worried that they will fly or take a shit in my food and it pisses me off.
My friends face is funny. his eyebrows are growing longer and longer until finally they sprout antenne and become catapillars. Then I make the connection between catapillars and butterflies, and I nearly choke on my steak. Boy. Was that funny or what?
Somehow, the whole situation makes me horny. I can't stop staring at my friend, who is really good looking. He looks at me too and knows what I am thinking. So I take a walk to the bathroom. He follows me into the ladies bathroom and locks the door behind him. When we come out, there is a man there. So I say to him: This is the ladies room, the men's is down the hall. But he says: Yes. I know. I am the manager of the restaurant.
So he kicks us out. We laugh some more. It's funny. Everything is funny, don't ya know!!!!!
So now my best friend is my boyfriend of two years.