Self-Realization

It wasn't "scary" but i wouldn't describe it as good. It was my 2nd time. I thought it would be as good as the first. it wasn't. i had a lotta energy, but felt totally normal otherwise. I saw no colors, but thought a lot. A lot. i thought about my parents, and how they would disapprove. everything i said didn't come from me. I didn't know who i was. i realized that other people saw me differently than i saw myself. i looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who was there. I began to think of my ex. boyfriend a lot. a guy was standing next to me, i thought it was him. If i looked at him, he would change, but as long as i didn't, it was him. we stood there in mutual silence, but our brains communicated. I wanted him to hear what i was thinking, because i knew i couldn't speak out loud. I looked away for a second, and when i looked back, he was gone..... he left without saying goodbye. i cried on the inside, on the outside i was torn. i could only go certain routes, everyone was on different levels. i wasn't allowed to go talk to certain people. i could see people as they were, no fooloing myself. I didn't like one of my friends, i realized she was fake. I wasn't fake. I was real, too real. I was really there, just as my ex. seemed so really there. I went home. i got home, and looked at myself, still didn't know who it was. She was ugly, i didn't like her. I went to bed. i didn't belong there. i didn't deserve to be there, didn't deserve to be anywhere. I needed a savior, and had one. my ex boyfriend...... i loved him, i realized, i wasn't fooling myself. i made a mistake...... i'm normal now, but i have been thinking non stop of him since. shrooms didn't confuse me, they made everything clear, and i realized things about myself that i never could see, i didn't like those things.