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The next morning, my girlfriend had an upset stomach, so I embarked on a 2 g 'thinking-mission' at the deserted beach. I've been having trouble with the idea of commitment for a long time. My girlfriend had wanted to get married for a while and so did I, for that matter. Still, I had baggage from my first wife and other fears that dogged me. I requested the spiritual magnification that the 'Shroom had given me in the past. The tide was low and about 50 yards out in the tide pools, I noticed some seagulls on the rocks. I joined them after a long trek over the stepping stones. I noted a boyish, joyful feeling, when leaping from stone to stone. I was also surprised at my leaping ability. I am fairly coordinated; but here, I was demonstrating the balance of my youth! I sat there with the pelicans and seagulls for a while, then I hopped about on the rocks looking at other sea life in the pools--the colors were awesome! I saw a 'V' of seagulls floating up the beach and I took off after them, running over the rocks like a 10 year old boy. Finally, I stopped, sweaty and out of breath. I then looked into the sky and shouted: "WHY! What the hell is wrong with me!" (referring to my fears.) Feeling failure, I decided to go home. On my way, I looked at the assortment of twisted sticks that I had picked up during my journey. They looked like small, wooden, twisted-souls, caught forever in a pose of torment by the drying sun. I thought they looked pretty cool and decided to keep them as my 'toys'. On my way home, I again felt like a boy. I would throw my toys ahead of me, pick them up, and toss them again. I was feeling an incredible joy--an innocent joy. On my way home, I happened upon a trail up the side of a large dune/hill. I started up at once, saying to myself in a snide, 'motherly' way, "This time, don't loose your toys," and answering back, "I won't loose my toys--this time, I'll find new toys." These were words in my head and 'needed' to come out. By the time I got to the crest, I was angry and had started a very aggressive chant that consisted of, "Fuck you!" (said to the people in the houses far below,) "Purple" (beautifully everywhere) and "These are the things that I choose to care about!" (said to the universe, while holding up my toys.) At the top, I issued a primal yell with arms raised, then I cursed at the people in the houses below that had not the courage to stray far from their everyday routines. I then again asked WHY to the cosmos. I felt defeated and in one last spurt of rage, I raced to the edge and issued a long, anguished cry into the wind and setting sun. I felt the wind coursing around my sweaty skin and understood. These winds were here long before me. They had existed since the birth of the planet--slowing down and speeding up, turning and swirling. I knew that mother nature has been sculpting her world for ages. It was a humbling revelation; yet in my human arrogance I shouted in: "God damn it! Sculpt me, Mother! Sculpt me!" I stood there for a long while, then turned around feeling tired. I looked in my hand and saw my toys, (the little 'tortured-souls'.) I was gripping them tightly. I dropped them on the sand and I looking down at them, I spotted a seagull leg bone. I bent down and picked it up. I felt my spirit yearn, and for a moment, 'feel' the joy of floating weightless. Insight hit: for my spirit to be free of the torment, I had to stop clenching onto the tortured souls within myself. The twisted essences of my ego, such as the inability to trust or the fear of being married like my parents, were keeping me from commitment. These views of life were not all my fault; but I am responsible for my own actions, nonetheless. I do not have the power to release them--yet I need not hold them in the face of the woman I love. I then became the boy again and played with my toys and the engagement ring. It was most fun!
Later that day, my girlfriend took 1.5 g, and I took another 1g. At the tail end of our peek, we went to watch the sun set--purple was everywhere! We played, collected toys, and acted like kids. She looked both beautiful and graceful on the precarious stones. After a time, we sat down and held hands to watch the surf. In that clear thinking, 'Shroom-joy, I asked her to marry me. I was still a bit nervous, but not pessimistic. I love her. Laughing, I later told her how the bone wore the ring before she did. She was kinda aghast, yet said she understood when I told her of my Vision of the timeless winds and how that the ring wasn't the treasure--she was! We then held hands and went back to 'playing', gradually making our way home. The winds and her ring will be on this planet, sculpting and being sculpted, long after she is dust. The faculties of Reason and Logic are our assets, and since we only have a short time, we need to do our own sculpting.
This Vision may be looked upon skeptically by some; but I was profoundly effected--it is very real to me. I look upon the 'Shroom as the spiritual guide that shaman used to guide their clans through times of discord. I am honored that it would grant me it's gift at a time when I needed it most.
Hermit (and his Hermett)