I wrote the following while on shrooms. It's basically an account of me trying to describe what being on shrooms is like. I kept listening to the same song over and overagain (by matthew Good) and just had an insane time by tripping out to the music and looking at various things in my room breathe and melt. The trip lasted about 5 hours, and was one of the best experiances of my life.
It's very long, and kind of crazy, but here it is in it's entirety. I edited the spelling as it was very bad in a lot of places, and still is. Here it is:
Its times like these I feel like im the star of a play. Im sitting here tripping on shrooms as they take over my mind with ravnica forest. The part before with Frank and Tyler was bad. It hurt, it was fucked up my body was detaching was, sgfshfbsfbss (purposely mjade up in its insanity) but even than would be desirable as solely a release from this world. Everything becomes tinged with a cooler. Everything breathes. MAGNETIC. The perfect word. Everything is made of a million particles magnetically opposed and attracted and this viewpoint. Your own viewpoint, outlook is whatmi s dictating ther course.
No all wrong,.
Merely by wathi g them they do ths to YOU.
Music is never a bad thing.
Holu shit its all like the first time. Im listebing to near fantastica, just turnes the light out, and am trying to type. And its like with riey. The mzot distracting things are the first to go. This windows media player thing feels artificial. Ita TTOO trippy. Too manufactured. This music feels perfectr. In the dark.aaaHAHAH no ok. That was just fucking wicked. Windows player DOES have some nice trics.
I FORSAKE ASTERISCS
Immina kvie,. In a song, in a matt good moment. Why is it that the most perfect endings to any story are the ones that self delete? The most perfect way for this to end is for me to be lost, captivated, utterly entranced, and then to accidentally hit ‘delete’. Never to remember this encapsulating magic that entered my mind. This revelation. Alone or with special friends.
Thank god. Another
Deserter for my perfect isolation.
But stop. Rewind it and play it again. With media player on. With perspective.
Jenny. Did shrooms. Don’t ask. Ill send you the word document
Word document of this minimized moment of my life. Shut up mike. Its amazing how writing it makes it agree with reality. like a movie trailer.
this song feels right.
Perrfcet fade. Absolution. It’s the retyping words that you know will just get lost in a sea of ramblings. Of wanting to infer in your experience paging up and dwn, rapidly flying through things in anaimation what words can only symbolize.
Lets play memory
Ill send you the word document.
Sara. Anther player in our game. And I klove her too,. Wy Dan? Always dan? They’re like amgnets MAGNETSD
I love this.
(its like everything is beautiful, UNIQUELY DEFINED. But equally beautiful. Wait, here’s a key point:
UNIQULY DEFINED. EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL.
It doesn’t ‘work’ for you because it isn’t unique or beautiful to you…
ive spent this whole night thinking about one song. This one rocks even more.
INTERMISSION (I realize this takes a million lines of text, but in my mind, in my trip, in my individualized fantasy, its only a second. To boil out this essence.(memory wit malissa: no
I have two reasons. One I forgot. But THAT’S THE POINT.
to you im ranting like an idiot, buit tome, its poetry.
…wanting to stretch out a moment and make it last into forever. Into forever. Into forever
wait. I’m not ready for the radio version again
and you cant feel what im feeling right now because you didn’t eat some stupid mushrooms
the point is, you keep wanting to mention “THE POINT IS@!
This is the POINT” as the same,,,dead. Notes echo in your ears.
and not caring
its ENDLESS self absorption. ENDLESS. And thinking ‘this is better spoken than read’
or any nonsensical things that sound better than they actually are (upon closer examination) or any examination for that matter
they are… BRACKETS WITHIN BRACKETS
And then stopping to admire the
Its fucked. I just spent the entire night alienating myself from my friends in COMPLETE self absorption. Complete egotism. And I havnt even realize d that my BODY is fucking hurting.
And that’s another key point…
Its like im writing a story to go along with my story
A series of thoughts that seem so fragment\nted and meaningless
Bt in this moent they are all profouind.
And the curse. The most hateful curse.
Is that you cannot share the
…and anoyut you wondering how I can stand kisetenign to the same goddamn song so much.
ANOTHER THOUGHR: all those 1800 songs I was talking about…
Are the same song.
And that’s yhe feeling sgain.
To have the universe discovered, but on the midst of explanation ou have to stop because you discovered it again.
The conflict of having to reconcile what you see with what you believe with what you ACCEPT.
Fuck ive wandered off the point…
Something or other
Lave your number after the beep
Leave your reality at the door
Heres your shitty movie trailer
the ultimate question:
Is it better than sleep?
Because deep down.
That whenever it ends.
Will be the perfect point to end…
Think about that,,,
Then realize how CYCLICAL it is. Im a normal guy. Good looking. Have a girlfriend who is good looking. Normal friends. Don’t do drugs. Except for this once (twice) and am attempting to rebel against myself. Against the very model I reinforce. And I find (invariably….invariably…) that shit is always the same
It’s the oldest story ever told
And im still! STILL sitting here absorbed by the same tale In was 10 minutes ago
the timespan of what?
I dunno. It was a bad rhetorical question.
Shrooms is like, stream of conciousness.
Time to ditch the document.
Here’s the refresher:
Ant it back.
But it’s just the same old shit…
Holding you here.
Too many line breaks.
Ambiguous unrealities. AMBIVALENT ambiguous unrealties.
Hahaha. I just made myself laugh out loud. Imagine this:
A kid. A person. Just like ou and me. Is contemplating doing shrrooms (though this oart is unimportant) and to help him make his decision. To aid his choice you show him..THIS.
Youre reading it.
“billy, THIS is shrooms. Here.switching back and forth between an ever changing background to a never changing song.
And loving every fucking poetic moment of it.
Or whatever moment.
The sense of meaning, of importance. Of eloquence it gives you. Riding a wave to the extreme (that sounded like a mountain dew commercial)
It’s riding a crest of emotion to an extreme, and then at the last second before it becomes too faschist, or selfish, or meaningless, you bail out. Turn around and ride it waaaaaaaay back down.
What I HAVE decide though
Is that making shit SPECIFICALLY to do when on shrooms is dumb
I love the back ground Kevin sent me
Its all around you
Ita screaming out innocent and young to a world too old to care. Too busy. Too jaded. Too look at something. And just dwell. But not dwell. The complete opposite. Or inverse. Or…perversion. Twist. BIZZARO slant it.
Like Jaded! To be like a stone that we call jade. Why jade? Well…it grows hard overt time (im guessing.) and firm…resolute. Like a good buttocks!
It’s a fruitopea commercial LOL
I love Fruitopia
…its something you store but never look at.
A picture you TAKE but never get developed
And its how even the most ‘unedited’ bullshit has been backpsaced a million times.
Like there. And there…
its this sideways rocking motion.
For some reason you jerk your head back and forth. Like a wave.
Out your feet up on a bar and then take them off because they’re no longer comfortable.
Be who you want. Let reality conform around you,
Its something you can have, then the moment you try to realize it, it slips away.
But then you’ve been taken by a world FULL of such things.
Like kids in a grove of fireflies that literally dart into our waiting palms. And its kids in a grove of fireflies that dart into our waiting palms. THAT. That idea. Is just one.
Kellie is another person. Wow.
Its amazing how scenes of your life are really just PUNCTUATIOn…
Just places in your life you try endlessly to hold onto, not only so you can describe them to others, but so you can describe them to….
Holy shi9tk I feel like the ‘weapon’ video
Why is it…
(…im not done yet)
Bein on shrooms literally consists of being inside of the matt good ‘weapon’ video
You’re IN the video. Like , whoa
Right next to jimmy
or was it billy?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….funny how the lowest notes are the ones highlighted in neon
how we entertain thoughts of sharing our entertaining thoughts which are only entertaining in our own thoughts. Wow
what a mouthful
its really like a frutopia commercial
is just like that
bouncy and fun and deep and serious and both and SIMULTANEOUS and therefore confused and loving it
its wanting to treasure something forever
and being alone and together
wanting both. Simultaneously!
CONFLICTED. Does that make it any easier.
And this definition. This mold. His abstr5action. Is all….subjective. because it can only be so,. The very method it comes to you is through abstractions. Whereby it permears…destroys
Gets absorbed by deep deep thought like that shit up there
and bouncy fun down here
seriously serious made me want to stop. It felt right
the right place to end
you feel trepidation…hesitation
the fear that not all of these momentous pauses will not be properly conveyed (which is ok)
the few beats of before you go come in
or message to god
all part of my magical matt good journey
self defined and ascribed
either immortal or nonexistent. Ill save it but never read it. That’s the only ending that is suitable.
So valiant reader
If you’ve made it this far…
And I’m there
I’m a normal guy
Did some mushrooms
Listened to matt good
Watched windows media player
Wrote a word document
I try and cry out but no one will listen,,,,
Became part of SHROOM WORLD. This magic place that only shrooms can take you. Where, like, a raving idiot, you can feel like the master of the universe.
And ive decided
That they ARE a solitary DRUG
A dug you do alone
So you can feel together.
trying to figure out what these things are doing to my brain…
enough to say ‘I dont like this song’ and changing it
To KNOW that you love every sing and you wanna pursue each one equally!
No that’s not it…
Not even close.
But it defiantly doesn’t consist of more than 2 lines without a line brake.
And then to realize!
*then YOU realize
its not music
And how reading is fundamentally flawed
By spelling misteakes
By personal definition
When you blow out
(and get this)
like a dead STAR
it reminds me how uniform your beautiful is
I hope whoevers reading this doesn’t get to hung up on al the matt good shit.
He just lucked out. Won the ‘take a trip’ lottery
Except hes going through MY brain.
Its……………….holding down the . in another program. One not designed for words. Lol
Its realisizng tat everything in this artificial world you create is Emily. Or any artificial girl (or boy) you feel you need in order to complete your perfect unreality. Or story. Or conflict
Because as a poem I wrote says perfectly.
‘happy people always seem to find something to doubt’
its SIMULTANEOUSLY wanting to erase every spelling mistake and realizing hat its better that ay. Not that way. Not better off erased.
But simultaneously wanting to destroy every mistake and realizing that…
they weren’t mistakes.
Only 18 pages!? !*>? Wtf?
Where foes this shit go?
I hope a lot of it isn’t too small and incomprehensible to be seen
…though thatd be kinda neet
Sorry dax. And sorry….mom?
iits hoe naming your hobbies and interests turns into naming your insanities and…
Ba do da DODO
(hello time bomb)
(don’t cop out)
and the rest is just…details.
Its having the universe at your fingertips/ at your computer, or pen, or piano…whatever your pleasure. And needing to take a piss anyway!
The universal dilemma.
One of many
One of infinity
I think too much about thought
Think about that!
into a wall of fires…
backwards.;…into a wall of fire…
how life is about defining the UNDEFNABLE. Catching the UNCATCHABLE. Targettting the…..untragettable?
we’ll get to magic in a sex. Sec. sorry. Freudian slip. First I need to piss and my comp needs to restart. I can HANDLE IT.
Its where things that feel like they should be the end. The epic finale.
The EPIC FINALE
Are just taken in stride.
Ill be back.
Its thinking the world was made for you!
And being taken back anyway
its every circle
and eventually reaching a conclusion that never comes.
Think about THAT.
Hit random, which I thought I would gate. Boom. Head full of ghosts by bush. The introo starts. I assume ill hate it. I don’t
Its wanting to simultaneously
Fyuck. I lost it
Cling to something you and love, and also leave ad try the love of exploration. Of discovery.
How if you took someone who didn’t know ANYTHING and put them I front of a computer screen
And put them on shrooms (lol)
Would you get the exact same thing?
Or something ompletly different?
Are opposite ends of a spectrum two sides to the same coin two parts of a clumy overused analogy?
Where IS my erad and where ARE my bones? Well put mr ropssdale.
Depeche mode what what!
Fuck that ‘in large amounts’ bulshit
Its fighting against a system designed to fight againt a system designed to create makeshift devices to stop us from loving shit
And each other
Keep IN MIND
Keep in mind this isn’t just a document of me typing shit. I wish I could attach a giant sound file of me moving around my songs lol (and dammit this is becoming more legible it muis be wearing off…
Just a big wave…
All part of pink world
And how if we just STOPPED (collaborated and listened) trying to define shit, and just ENJOYED it we’d….well….enjoy…shit….more often.
Holy shit good song
I actually havn’t skipped any I just take em as they come
When you look at the world what is it that you see?
People find all kinds of things that bring them to their knees
I love you u2
For frank and tyler its just being best buds and loving it
For me its writing this long ass introspective shit
And dats cool
I AM POWERLESS BEFORE YOU OH PULSATING LINES OF MULTI COLOR AWESOMNESS
And we learn that the perfect conclusion is to do this in bed. Save the file, leave the music playin but ditch the monitor. But goodnight
Every backspaced bit of it