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Multicolored Insanity.

I wrote the following while on shrooms.



I wrote the following while on shrooms. It's basically an account of me trying to describe what being on shrooms is like. I kept listening to the same song over and overagain (by matthew Good) and just had an insane time by tripping out to the music and looking at various things in my room breathe and melt. The trip lasted about 5 hours, and was one of the best experiances of my life.

It's very long, and kind of crazy, but here it is in it's entirety. I edited the spelling as it was very bad in a lot of places, and still is. Here it is:


Its times like these I feel like im the star of a play. Im sitting here tripping on shrooms as they take over my mind with ravnica forest. The part before with Frank and Tyler was bad. It hurt, it was fucked up my body was detaching was, sgfshfbsfbss (purposely mjade up in its insanity) but even than would be desirable as solely a release from this world. Everything becomes tinged with a cooler. Everything breathes. MAGNETIC. The perfect word. Everything is made of a million particles magnetically opposed and attracted and this viewpoint. Your own viewpoint, outlook is whatmi s dictating ther course.

No all wrong,.

Merely by wathi g them they do ths to YOU.

Music is never a bad thing.

Holu shit its all like the first time. Im listebing to near fantastica, just turnes the light out, and am trying to type. And its like with riey. The mzot distracting things are the first to go. This windows media player thing feels artificial. Ita TTOO trippy. Too manufactured. This music feels perfectr. In the dark.aaaHAHAH no ok. That was just fucking wicked. Windows player DOES have some nice trics.

I FORSAKE ASTERISCS

Immina kvie,. In a song, in a matt good moment. Why is it that the most perfect endings to any story are the ones that self delete? The most perfect way for this to end is for me to be lost, captivated, utterly entranced, and then to accidentally hit ‘delete’. Never to remember this encapsulating magic that entered my mind. This revelation. Alone or with special friends.

Thats life…

FUCK STOP

Thank god. Another
Deserter for my perfect isolation.

But stop. Rewind it and play it again. With media player on. With perspective.

Jenny. Did shrooms. Don’t ask. Ill send you the word document

Word document of this minimized moment of my life. Shut up mike. Its amazing how writing it makes it agree with reality. like a movie trailer.

this song feels right.
Perrfcet fade. Absolution. It’s the retyping words that you know will just get lost in a sea of ramblings. Of wanting to infer in your experience paging up and dwn, rapidly flying through things in anaimation what words can only symbolize.

Lets play memory
.
.


ineruptions
interruptions
Ill send you the word document.

Sara. Anther player in our game. And I klove her too,. Wy Dan? Always dan? They’re like amgnets MAGNETSD



I love this.

(its like everything is beautiful, UNIQUELY DEFINED. But equally beautiful. Wait, here’s a key point:


it
UNIQULY DEFINED. EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL.


It doesn’t ‘work’ for you because it isn’t unique or beautiful to you…



…RADIO VERSION

ive spent this whole night thinking about one song. This one rocks even more.

INTERMISSION (I realize this takes a million lines of text, but in my mind, in my trip, in my individualized fantasy, its only a second. To boil out this essence.(memory wit malissa: no






how poetic.

I have two reasons. One I forgot. But THAT’S THE POINT.


to you im ranting like an idiot, buit tome, its poetry.

…wanting to stretch out a moment and make it last into forever. Into forever. Into forever

wait. I’m not ready for the radio version again

and you cant feel what im feeling right now because you didn’t eat some stupid mushrooms

temporary battles…

the point is, you keep wanting to mention “THE POINT IS@! This is the POINT” as the same,,,dead. Notes echo in your ears.
.
.
.
.
and not caring

its ENDLESS self absorption. ENDLESS. And thinking ‘this is better spoken than read’

or any nonsensical things that sound better than they actually are (upon closer examination) or any examination for that matter

they are… BRACKETS WITHIN BRACKETS

/…
staircasing.
And then stopping to admire the

Fleeting

Glow.


Its fucked. I just spent the entire night alienating myself from my friends in COMPLETE self absorption. Complete egotism. And I havnt even realize d that my BODY is fucking hurting.

And that’s another key point…

Separation.

Okokokok
Its like im writing a story to go along with my story


A series of thoughts that seem so fragment\nted and meaningless

Bt in this moent they are all profouind.

And the curse. The most hateful curse.

Is that you cannot share the

…and anoyut you wondering how I can stand kisetenign to the same goddamn song so much.

ANOTHER THOUGHR: all those 1800 songs I was talking about…

Are the same song.
.
.
.
.
.
yeah whoa.

And that’s yhe feeling sgain.

To have the universe discovered, but on the midst of explanation ou have to stop because you discovered it again.

It is

The conflict of having to reconcile what you see with what you believe with what you ACCEPT.
Fuck ive wandered off the point…
MEDIA player
Cyclical!

Something or other
Lave your number after the beep

Beep

Leave your reality at the door
Heres your shitty movie trailer
And then….
the ultimate question:
Is it better than sleep?

Because deep down.
You know.
That whenever it ends.
Will be the perfect point to end…

Think about that,,,

Then realize how CYCLICAL it is. Im a normal guy. Good looking. Have a girlfriend who is good looking. Normal friends. Don’t do drugs. Except for this once (twice) and am attempting to rebel against myself. Against the very model I reinforce. And I find (invariably….invariably…) that shit is always the same

It’s the oldest story ever told

And im still! STILL sitting here absorbed by the same tale In was 10 minutes ago

10 minutes

the timespan of what?

I dunno. It was a bad rhetorical question.

Shrooms is like, stream of conciousness.

Time to ditch the document.

Here’s the refresher:

You’ll hesitate.

Be remorseful.

Ant it back.

But it’s just the same old shit…
Inertia.

Holding you here.

UNDEFINED.

Too many line breaks.

Less smiles 

Ambiguous unrealities. AMBIVALENT ambiguous unrealties.


Hahaha. I just made myself laugh out loud. Imagine this:

A kid. A person. Just like ou and me. Is contemplating doing shrrooms (though this oart is unimportant) and to help him make his decision. To aid his choice you show him..THIS.

This.

Right here.

Youre reading it.

“billy, THIS is shrooms. Here.switching back and forth between an ever changing background to a never changing song.

And loving every fucking poetic moment of it.

Or whatever moment.

The sense of meaning, of importance. Of eloquence it gives you. Riding a wave to the extreme (that sounded like a mountain dew commercial)

It’s riding a crest of emotion to an extreme, and then at the last second before it becomes too faschist, or selfish, or meaningless, you bail out. Turn around and ride it waaaaaaaay back down.

What I HAVE decide though

Is that making shit SPECIFICALLY to do when on shrooms is dumb

And not

I love the back ground Kevin sent me

But…

Its all around you

Ita screaming out innocent and young to a world too old to care. Too busy. Too jaded. Too look at something. And just dwell. But not dwell. The complete opposite. Or inverse. Or…perversion. Twist. BIZZARO slant it.

Like Jaded! To be like a stone that we call jade. Why jade? Well…it grows hard overt time (im guessing.) and firm…resolute. Like a good buttocks!

It’s a fruitopea commercial LOL

I love Fruitopia


…its something you store but never look at.

A picture you TAKE but never get developed


And its how even the most ‘unedited’ bullshit has been backpsaced a million times.

Like there. And there…

.
.
.
.
.
.
and there
its this sideways rocking motion.
For some reason you jerk your head back and forth. Like a wave.

Out your feet up on a bar and then take them off because they’re no longer comfortable.

Be who you want. Let reality conform around you,

Fuck wait!!
Its something you can have, then the moment you try to realize it, it slips away.

But then you’ve been taken by a world FULL of such things.

Like kids in a grove of fireflies that literally dart into our waiting palms. And its kids in a grove of fireflies that dart into our waiting palms. THAT. That idea. Is just one.

Among many!

Like Kellie!

Kellie is another person. Wow.

Its amazing how scenes of your life are really just PUNCTUATIOn…

Just places in your life you try endlessly to hold onto, not only so you can describe them to others, but so you can describe them to….
…yourself.

Stop.
Question.
Holy shi9tk I feel like the ‘weapon’ video
Why is it…

that
(one sec)
(…im not done yet)

LOL
Yeah.

Bein on shrooms literally consists of being inside of the matt good ‘weapon’ video

That’s it

You’re IN the video. Like , whoa

Right next to jimmy



or was it billy?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….funny how the lowest notes are the ones highlighted in neon

how we entertain thoughts of sharing our entertaining thoughts which are only entertaining in our own thoughts. Wow

what a mouthful

but yes

its really like a frutopia commercial

the PACING

is just like that

its THIS….

…and that 

bouncy and fun and deep and serious and both and SIMULTANEOUS and therefore confused and loving it

its wanting to treasure something forever

and being alone and together

wanting both. Simultaneously!

CONFLICTED. Does that make it any easier.

And this definition. This mold. His abstr5action. Is all….subjective. because it can only be so,. The very method it comes to you is through abstractions. Whereby it permears…destroys

Gets absorbed by deep deep thought like that shit up there
.
.
.
and bouncy fun down here




15 pages!??

mmm…
seriously serious made me want to stop. It felt right

the right place to end

you feel trepidation…hesitation

the fear that not all of these momentous pauses will not be properly conveyed (which is ok)

and then,,,
,,
.
.
.
the few beats of before you go come in
or message to god
oops
all part of my magical matt good journey
self defined and ascribed
oh shit

either immortal or nonexistent. Ill save it but never read it. That’s the only ending that is suitable.

So valiant reader

If you’ve made it this far…

You’re here
And I’m there

I’m a normal guy

Did some mushrooms
Listened to matt good
Watched windows media player
Wrote a word document
I try and cry out but no one will listen,,,,

Became part of SHROOM WORLD. This magic place that only shrooms can take you. Where, like, a raving idiot, you can feel like the master of the universe.

And ive decided
That they ARE a solitary DRUG
A dug you do alone
So you can feel together.
.
.
.how poetic…mmmm

trying to figure out what these things are doing to my brain…

enough to say ‘I dont like this song’ and changing it

NO!

Enough to…to…

To KNOW that you love every sing and you wanna pursue each one equally!

No that’s not it…

Whoa!

Not even close.

But it defiantly doesn’t consist of more than 2 lines without a line brake.

Like this

And this

And then to realize!

*then YOU realize

its not music

it’s reading!

And how reading is fundamentally flawed

By spelling misteakes

Lol

By personal definition
In (wait)

When you blow out
(and get this)
(its crazy)
like a dead STAR
!!!!
it reminds me how uniform your beautiful is

I hope whoevers reading this doesn’t get to hung up on al the matt good shit.

He just lucked out. Won the ‘take a trip’ lottery

Except hes going through MY brain.

Wait.

Its……………….holding down the . in another program. One not designed for words. Lol

And Emily

Its realisizng tat everything in this artificial world you create is Emily. Or any artificial girl (or boy) you feel you need in order to complete your perfect unreality. Or story. Or conflict

Because as a poem I wrote says perfectly.
‘happy people always seem to find something to doubt’

its SIMULTANEOUSLY wanting to erase every spelling mistake and realizing hat its better that ay. Not that way. Not better off erased.

But simultaneously wanting to destroy every mistake and realizing that…

they weren’t mistakes.

Only 18 pages!? !*>? Wtf?

Where foes this shit go?

I hope a lot of it isn’t too small and incomprehensible to be seen

…though thatd be kinda neet

neat.
Sorry dax. And sorry….mom?

mmm…psychological complexes

iits hoe naming your hobbies and interests turns into naming your insanities and…


boredom!

Ticktickticktick
Ba do da DODO

(hello time bomb)

going into,..

ZGOOD MORNING

(don’t cop out)
and the rest is just…details.

Glow

Its having the universe at your fingertips/ at your computer, or pen, or piano…whatever your pleasure. And needing to take a piss anyway!

The universal dilemma.
One of many

One of infinity

I think too much about thought

Think about that!

…then stop…
into a wall of fires…
backwards.;…into a wall of fire…
again
and again

how life is about defining the UNDEFNABLE. Catching the UNCATCHABLE. Targettting the…..untragettable?

we’ll get to magic in a sex. Sec. sorry. Freudian slip. First I need to piss and my comp needs to restart. I can HANDLE IT.

Its where things that feel like they should be the end. The epic finale.

The EPIC FINALE

Are just taken in stride.

Ill be back.


Hoooly sgut


Its thinking the world was made for you!

Then forgtting

And being taken back anyway



its every circle

spinning
and spinny

and eventually reaching a conclusion that never comes.

Think about THAT.

Ok

Hit random, which I thought I would gate. Boom. Head full of ghosts by bush. The introo starts. I assume ill hate it. I don’t 

Its wanting to simultaneously

Fyuck. I lost it

Oh yeah!

Cling to something you and love, and also leave ad try the love of exploration. Of discovery.

Haahahaha

How if you took someone who didn’t know ANYTHING and put them I front of a computer screen

And put them on shrooms (lol)

Would you get the exact same thing?

Or something ompletly different?

Are opposite ends of a spectrum two sides to the same coin two parts of a clumy overused analogy?

Where IS my erad and where ARE my bones? Well put mr ropssdale.

Next.

Mmmmmmm
PERFECT
Depeche mode what what!

EVERYTHING counts!

Fuck that ‘in large amounts’ bulshit

Its fighting against a system designed to fight againt a system designed to create makeshift devices to stop us from loving shit

Like ourselves

And each other 

And wait!!!

Keep IN MIND

Keep in mind this isn’t just a document of me typing shit. I wish I could attach a giant sound file of me moving around my songs lol (and dammit this is becoming more legible it muis be wearing off…


Oh wait…

Just a big wave…

All part of pink world

And how if we just STOPPED (collaborated and listened) trying to define shit, and just ENJOYED it we’d….well….enjoy…shit….more often.

Lol


Holy shit good song

I actually havn’t skipped any I just take em as they come

When you look at the world what is it that you see?
People find all kinds of things that bring them to their knees

I love you u2

For frank and tyler its just being best buds and loving it

For me its writing this long ass introspective shit

And dats cool

I AM POWERLESS BEFORE YOU OH PULSATING LINES OF MULTI COLOR AWESOMNESS

M
M
Mmmmmmmmmmm
And we learn that the perfect conclusion is to do this in bed. Save the file, leave the music playin but ditch the monitor. But goodnight

Every backspaced bit of it








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