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Mission For Friends

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I was living at home for the holidays (as opposed to living in university residence in another city) for about 3 weeks and was spending tons of time with my awesome girlfriend that I'm madly in love with. However, just today I moved back out to the university and campus life and away from her again (long distance relationship, but still works out great). I had done a fair amount of drugs over the holidays, and so when I was packing up my things to move back to residence, I pushed all my stuff (bongs, pipes, weed, baggies etc) into a big shoebox and moved back. I unpacked it at about 11:00pm or so after I finished the day of travel, and I stumbled across a little baggie with what looked to be close to a gram in shroom powder. I figured, hey, what the hell, I'll eat 'em, listen to pink floyd and go to sleep. I was thinking like it was weed I guess. Bad move.

So I dose on a relatively empty stomach and within 20-30 minutes I'm doing the usual. My roommate is asleep, so I decide to put on the headphones and execute my plan, with Dark Side of the Moon, and a couple radiohead albums lined up for the evening. When I closed my eyes though I was having weird and uncomfortable imagery, things like a sinister man hooked up to all kinds of tubes, or just innards pulsing. I couldn't really handle it, so I took off the headphones and looked around, my familiar room looking scary and making me feel alone. I had been spending tons of time with my girlfriend the past while, and before that I had a really awesome friend at the university who had just moved fairly far away, so I was feeling rather alone. I guess it was under my skin already, but the shrooms made it more there.

I decided that my answer was to find friends, so I went down and found some of my mostly non drug using friends, my typical guy friends. They're awesome guys and I like hanging out with them and having good laughs and good times, but they aren't the type of people that I'm going to have a conversation about God with or anything like that. I hung out with them for a while but was experiencing major gut rot, most likely because I was thinking about it a fair amount, which always makes it worse.

I decided that going outside for a walk would be the way to go, and so with no idea what I was doing or where I was going and in a very fragile mindset, I went outside. I was wandering aimless, and on an open and barren campus, I was feeling more and more alone. I knew that this was going to get worse before it got better, and I knew I had made a bad choice in eating the shrooms, but I had to ride it out somehow. I figured to make it easier I'd phone my girlfriend L, so I went and found my cellphone in my room and then phoned her. It was 1 in the morning or so (about T+90min) so she was asleep, but I knew she wouldn't be mad because she's always there when I really need her. I had never needed her this badly before.

Our initial conversation was something like:

me: I'm... really, I dunno.. I hate to be phoning you this late, but I really... I need to talk to someone... I'm feeling really...

and her telling me that she loved me and that she would listen and the like. Eventually I dont even know why but I broke down into tears over the phone with her. The aloneness passed over me and through me, and then even though it wasn't gone, it was better. After only a 10 minute phone call or so, I cried, and then headed back to my room, intending to write down my thoughts on my computer and hopefully ride the rest of the trip out til I could sleep.

I went online and found that my friend M was online, a good friend that I hadn't seen in a while. We always used to have these big epic conversations in the middle of the night on big walks around campus (while sober btw) about all kinds of things, so I messaged her and told her that I wanted someone to talk to. I met her, we walked around campus and I told her what I was feeling and going through, and she really helped me sort out a lot of the feelings I was having about myself, drugs, and the like. She'd done shrooms many a time before, whereas this was my 4th time.

We ended up finding some couches in a floor lounge and talking til about 3:00am or so, and she really helped me come down and relax and work through my emotions. After that I went back to my room, and here I sit writing this.

I've learned a lot this trip, even though it's the smallest amount I've ever done, and that the set/setting weren't ideal. The mushrooms have taught me not to take them lightly, or as I'd liek to put it 'dont fuck with them', and they've also shown me the depth of emotion they can bring out. I didn't have much in the way of visuals, maybe a slight red shift in vision and the odd breathing of walls, but it was more of a total mental/emotional journey, mostly emotional.

I still think it was a stupid ass idea to eat shrooms on a Sunday night alone with no planning and some issues on my mind, but I made it through ok and it made me think and feel things that needed thinking and feeling. I've still got a bit of gut rot, but that's probably from not having anything to eat in a while. Also I'm exhausted, but that's to be expected.

Tomorrow lies ahead, as does sleep, as do all things.

Happy wandering

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