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To infinity ... and beyond.

Several weeks ago I did mushrooms for the first time.

Several weeks ago I did mushrooms for the first time. Now, I've never been any kind of hardcore drug user. I've smoked a bit of weed, done a few pills, but little else. When I took mushrooms I had no real idea of what to expect, which as it turns out was probably just as well. The day that I did them I'd also not been feeling too good physically. I had a bit of a persistant chest infection that had tightened the airways within my nose and throat making breathing difficult, and additionally created a feeling of tightness or pressure in my chest area akin to someone pushing down on it with their hands. Anyway, here goes! Switching to first-person to give a more subjective account.

I'm with my friend Andy at our mutual friend Jonny's house to do some mushrooms, but due to my feeling badly I eventually decide against taking them that day. And so I go home for a few hours, read for a bit, but then come back after I start feeling better again. The three of us each drink about one cup full of a mexican mushroom infusion. After twenty minutes or so I'm not feeling anything, so I finish what little is left of the brew in the kettle. Unfortunately for me I start feeling badly again shortly afterwards. But never mind, I think. Just go with it. You'll be okay.

So I sit down on the couch. The first effects I get from the mushrooms are just the usual pretty lights I'd heard about, and when I close my eyes there are some other very colorful "displays" happening there too. Later on I can see ripples and patterns of light dancing across the ceiling, as though it is made of water and some joker is throwing pebbles up into it. My consciousness feels like it is growing and expanding outwards. Strange thoughts and ideas begin entering into my mind.

Not long after that I get hit hard -- really hard. I feel like my entire body is caught up in a tsunami of energy, with waves crashing over me and into me and through me. I feel like I am going to be ripped to pieces at any moment. And that feeling, combined with the already unpleasant tightness in my chest and throat, is causing quite a lot of pain within my body. I also feel like I can't breathe at all, which is extremely unpleasant and pretty damned scary. At the same time, the energy coursing through my body feels like it is trying to pull my consciousness away somewhere else, and yet I am so concerned with my health that I fight against the flow, making it even more painful. At that point I want to go to the emergency room, but I am certainly in no condition to be out in public. I feel terrible.

I'm also starting to feel hot -- very hot. So I decide that maybe some fresh air will help. I somehow drag myself up off the couch, stumble over to the front door of the house, and open it. Now, it's after midnight, and the sight that usually greets me when I open that door at that time is a dark village street, with terraced houses lined up on either side, dimly lit up by street lamps. However, I'm not seeing that this time. What I'm seeing is something resembling a mist-filled valley during daylight hours. Rather cool, thinks I, proceeding to gaze at it for at least another fifteen minutes in a desperate attempt to distract my attention away from how completely awful I feel.

Eventually, I notice that I'm shivering, and something in my awareness tells me that it's because there's cold night air coming in through the open front doorway. My awareness is immediately dragged back into normal waking reality, and I'm looking out at a dark street. I close the door, drag myself back over to the couch, and slump down into it. I'm still feeling completely awful; I'm still having a panic attack; I'm still in quite a lot of pain; I'm still wanting to go to the emergency room; and I'm still in no fit state to be out in public. So I'm sitting back on the couch, barely managing to keep my awareness focused within the room, and the energy is still pounding throughout my body. I feel like I'm trying to ride a surfboard against the flow of a raging storm current, and I'm losing. Badly. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, and just to one side of it I can feel the vibration of the energy flow reach a peak. After a while longer it gets to be too much, and I give up even trying to keep my awareness focused within the room, accept my fate (whatever that might be), and close my eyes, letting the waves of energy drag me off to wherever and whenever they will.

Shit-fuck-arse-tit! There's some trippy music playing in the room, and it's grabbing for my attention. I try and ignore it, but I can't. The waves of energy pulling at my awareness are getting really very annoyed at my apparent inability to do as I'm told. But the music is playing, holding a part of my awareness within the room and preventing me from letting go completely. I feel like I'm being ripped in two, and it is quite utterly unbearable. So I open my eyes, then my mouth, and ask for the music to be turned off. My request is met with a confused disapproval. They like listening to music whilst tripping on 'shrooms, they say. Okay, I guess I'm not making myself understood. I really would like it turned off, please. I don't have time to explain why right now. Please just turn it off. Please? Nope, that didn't work either. I'm still getting met with a confused disapproval. They really do like their trippy music, and what's my god damned problem? Okay, I don't have time for this bullshit. I'm annoyed, and in pain. Please just turn off that fucking annoying music right now, god damn you! The music is turned off, and the room becomes very quiet. I feel like the party pooper of the century, but I don't care anymore. I'm letting go.

And the flow takes me. The further along I go, the more I don't remember where in the hell I even started. I reach a certain point, and I know that if I keep going I will simply forget everything. Well, fuck it all, I think, and I keep on going. It kinda feels like I'm falling asleep. Or maybe it feels like I'm dying. Or perhaps I'm falling asleep whilst dying. And maybe I am. And yet I'm still aware of myself, I just don't know who or what I am anymore. And I don't even care, I don't give a shit, not one little bit. No thought, no fear, no-thing. I'm dying, and I don't care. And then time ... just ...... stops.

(And I simply exist.....................................)

But then here comes that time thing again. Time? Oh, yes ... time. Tick, tock -- I remember! It's time to return. I don't really want to, but the flow is running in reverse now, taking me back to wherever it was that I came from however long ago this all started. But, where was that again? Where was I before I was here? And who was I? Damn it all! It's on the tip of a tongue located in a mouth that I can't even feel at this moment. But I remember ... I remember a life. I remember having some kind of a "body" that I walked around in. Where did I leave it again? Oh yeah, I just follow the flow! The flow is what brought me here, so I guess it'll take me back "home" to my body. Or at least, I hope it will. But what if something happened whilst I was away? What if my body isn't there anymore? What if it died? What if.....? Oh, never mind, here it is -- I'm back at long last! Can I just move a finger? Yes, okay, great -- there we go. And I can remember now. It's all coming back to me. I was in a room, slumped on a couch, and my eyes were shut, and that god awful music was turned off, and all was absolutely silent.

But now I can hear voices. People talking. Someone sat next to me. Who the ...? Oh, it's my ride home. Well, I hope he doesn't mind waiting because I don't think I'll be moving for a little while. The energy is still rushing through me, but damn these are some really fucking good vibrations! I feel like I'm plugged into the local power grid, but it's really neat, and they aren't trying to carry me off anywhere now. There's those pretty lights again. Green and pink and yellow and white. My body aches, but the pain is mostly gone. I'd better open my mouth and let them all know that I'm okay. It's a struggle, but I manage it. A little later on I reach up with my hand and touch my cheek. It feels like my face is a mask that I'm just wearing. Perhaps I still haven't fully settled back "in" after my little outing. An hour or so later, I finally manage to stand up. I go back home, and fall into bed, and have some pretty vivid dreams.

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