oh my god. lastnight has been the worst nighto f my life. i just dont know whether to cry or what?
last night.. sebastian got a bunch of shrooms and me him paul and one of his friends decide to trip. and i took 3 big ones i dont know what the hell i was thinking! and we are fine and everything.. an hour later then i was like i want to go outside.. so paul is talking me into going to a house party and sebastian didnt want to go and i started yelling at sebastian to go cuz i dont want to be cooped up inside and have a bad trip. and paul was making fun of sebastian cuz he wanted to stay and oh my god.. outside was so weird.. it waslike everything wasj ust plastic and very very colorful and blurry. and i trustedpaul. i really trusted him. and then i went with paul andl eft sebastian behind and finally sebastian follows with us. pauls friend gets a ride from somewhere else cuz she said she just couldnt walk. so we are walking along the sidewalk like it is endless and paul is gong on and on about weird shit and im hangingonto every word he is saying and i was trusting him and sebastian was just next to me and he looked very very horrible likeh e was having a bad trip then i started to get scared. and then allof a sudden paul pulls me out in the middle of the street. and there are cars coming and i had no idea what i was diong cuz i was so fucked up. i didnt know what i would do next cuz my mind was unattactched with my body and pual was pulling on my arm and we getinto the middle of the street and he said over and over "act like normal people , act like normal people" and he was pretending to go to a car and get into it and i was confused and i got mad and stopped him and said what areyou doing!!?? and he said shut the fuck up!! there are 3 men following us. i wasl ike WHAT?? and i turn around and there is nothing behind us and by this timei was getting really scared andi was panicing and sebastian was too and paul said shut the fuck up and follow me so and then sebastian was trying to pull me back onto the sidewalk and my mind was fighting on who to believe cuz i really thought i was going to be raped and robbed cuz i felt so helpless. and paul kept walking in themiddle of the street and cars were behind him honking the horn and im walking with him and finally sebastian pulls us both to the side walk a limo was parked on the side and a scary scary looking man twirled out of it and he looked like a phantom and he just smiled at me with his white teeth sparkling and i trembled. i look at my watch and it is only fucking 10:30 and we took this stuff at 9 and time was giong very slow. and i felt so small. so then i was shaking pual and telling him to tell me what is goingon and he kept saying 3 men were following us and i was like WHERE?? fuck ? where????!!! and he was getting mad and he said u have to go in the street so we are in the open and they cant kill us or anything. and by that time i had no idea where i was and where i was going, who i was nor what time it was and i was sooo fucking scared. i knew i was going to be lost out there somewhere till morning. so then paul is like the party is right there. and sebastian waslike no lets go home but i didntlisten, i went with paul. for some reason i felt secure withh im. so then we get to the house party and it felt like everyone was staring and pointing at us and there were people surrounded by us and then justin (the guy who sold us the shrooms) came over and was like what is wrong man. and paul was aruging with sebastian over money to get into the party and sebastian waslike i am just confused and i dontknow where im at or anything and justinwaslike " you are shrooming? are you crazy? there is too many people here u need to go home and be alone" so then paul left us he went into the party and he didnt even look back and way before he talked about how he would never leave me cuz he would feel gulity and he did! i was sooo scared and i had no idea how to get home. and i was so embarrased and nothing seemed real. i couldnt distinguish beteween real and not real. so sebastian said lets go home and i couldnt trust his brain.. i didnt know who to trust and he said come on trust me 100 percent i know where im at. and we walked home and i kept asking him over and over if he knew where he was going and he wouldnt answer me a few times and i was just so fucking scared. then peole in cars were staring at us and i hit sebastian and said please act normal!! and he was like i am!! but i felt that everyone could sense that we were not at then ormal state of mind cuz ppl were staring at us and i was just walking straight and trying to look normal adn not confused so cuz we were in the ghetto a really bad area. and then we got to cross a major street and i totally did not trust myself to cross that street. it took me alot of nerve to actually cross it and then we saw a car accident right in front of us and by this time i was sooo fucked up and my mind was fucked up and i was defintely having a bad trip. so then we get back into his neighborhood and all of a sudden. i was a little child and i was holding my dads hand and everything was very very bright and i was looking up in awe. huge houses and very colorful and bam! i grew back to my normal size. we go back into the house and i get some water which i cant drink right cuz i dont know where to put myhandonto the glass or where to put my mouth or even how to fucking swallow. my hands felt rubbery and i tried to bend one of my fingers back and it was allthe way back and sebastian hit me and made me stop and i was like what is goingon?? i didnt understand what the fuck was goingo n. and everything became very very blurry and changing different colors, and the walls were breathing and just moving at like 100 mph. just like it was melting away. when i touched sebastian i melted into him, i became him. and the sebastian waslike "kitty , listen to me, we are having a BAD trip, we need to sleep it off" so we go downstairs and everything is moving so much and im feelinglike im giong to throw up and i dont know what to do. so then i look at the couch and it is folding on me and i was really freaking out cuz i really didnt know where i was or anything so i lay down with my clothes and shoes on and i shut my eyes for a few minutes and all these demons were pulling at me and i was screaming for them to get off. and sebastian was just staring at me like i was crazy. the demons would not fucking let go and i opened my eyes and sebastian face kept changing on me so i was like fuck and shut my eyes again and tried to think peacefull things. it was so hard to think positive. so finally i vanished into thin air, i became water, i became flowers, i was nothing i just vanished and then i thought i was dead. i was dead and all of u guys were over me watching me in the coma or whatever i was in and i was going to be in this state of mind FOREVER. then i thought no u are not dead kitty and then i thought .. i dont know what death feels like so maybe this is death. and i was so fucking scared, i thought to myself, how could u do this to yourself? how could you kill urself? u are so young, so innocent, dont u want to have children? and then i jolted back awake and sebastian was just staring off in space and it was scaring me and i kept telling him to stop scaring me. and he starts laughing and it was making me fucking mad cuz he was laughing and it was not funny at all. i just wanted it to GO AWAY!! and then he said he is starting to go down. by this time it is 2 o clock and then nancy, kris, trevor and kristin come down. and they are looking at us weird and i was so mad at sebastian cuz he was at a straight state of mind and i wasnt. i was still tripping bad and i just wanted eveyrone to leave and then i went to the bathroom and the walls were moving and i was moving into a wave like motion and i was talking to myself before i realized thati was talking to myself and i told myself do not take this again EVER! and i hope i listened. and then nancy walks in and im talking to myself and she islike areyou ok? and im like NO. and then i felt like a idiot cuz i couldnt get over this. and she kept saying it is mind over matter but i couldnt do it. i was going crazy. i didntk now waht i was doing. i thought i was going section 8 and i felt so sorry for all those people in mental hospitals cuz i know what they are going through. and i just so much did not want to be like them and i didnt know what to do... cuz this is my mind for the rest of my life. and then i went backdownstairs and told sebastian i am fucking scared cuz i dont know what i am doing or where im at and everything is still blurry and he started to get worried which made me more worried and nancy suggested i drink something so sebastian got me some orange juice and that helped a little i guess. then sebastian went upstairs to chat withs oem people and i was still stuck in this trip. i lay down and i was melting into the bed and i was moving my legs and then i would look at them and wonder how they were moving cuz i didnt feel like i was making them move. and just so scared the whole time. so then i decide to go wash my face. i go and it took me al ong time cuz i couldnt figure out what i was doing. i wasnt sure of anything anymore and i look at myself in the mirror and start talking to myself again and couldnt help it. my mouth was moving and speaking but my mind didnt want it to. so then i somehow manage to wash my face but in a scatterbrained way. then i go backdownstairs and nancy wants me to talk to her and i idnt feel like talking i just wante dit to go away and then kristen said she was kinda curious what it is like and i thought NOOO GOD N0!!DO NOT EVER TAKE THIS. but i didnt say anything. i wanted to say alot of thi8ngs but i held them in. and my hands still felt rubbery, my arms too and feet, and mynails felt ery very fragile like they would chip off very easily and i kept feeling things in my mouth then i saw some things flyying around and it took me awjhile to figure out it was a few flys. and the walls were still rapildly moving and then i try to listen to the conversation kristen nad nancy are having but it kept going thru one ear to another and i wasnt understanding anything so i just went to lay down and later around 4 sebastian came to bed and i went to pee one last time and when i was peeing i didnt understand what i was diong and i almost forgot to wipe and all of that and i was just praying to god that this would go away and that i wouldnt wake up in the morning and still be confused and not sure of anything.
so then i go to bed and took me awhile to sleep cuz i kept seeing all these colors, eye balls, blocks, colorful things and just all coming at once , ribbons, moving very fast. etc so then i wake up and it is 6:50 and i am fine. i wasl ike THANK GOD!!!!!!!
but now my brain just feels like it is fucking fried!! andi have missed my classes. my brain is very tired and i can feel it, i can feel the fried part. DAMN. then sebastian yelled at me cuz i listened to paul and not him, etc etc. and i wasl ike do u think i had a bad trip cuz i took too much or cuz it got out of hand andh e wasl ike hell yess it got out of hand! cuz u wouldnt listen to me and you went outside!!! u are suppose to stay inside!!
so... geez. it is 8:30 now and i better go wake up sebastian . im defintely just going to stick with the E and no more acid or shrooms for me. it is too fucking dangerious. im afriad one day ill take it and not come out of it. and then mom will be really pissed. !