i didnt realize my life would change so drastically when i woke up this morning.
i didnt realize my life would change so drastically when i woke up this morning. i havent really thought about much of anything lately. except that i hate my life. it's pathetic and sad.. the joy was sucked out gradually until i became this empty shell. my marraige of 4 years to my truck driving husband is falling apart, i hate my job and ive lost my ZING. i used to eminate such a light that it would subconsciously affect all that came in contact with me.. but now, im just a shadow among the noise of busy streets.. unoticeable.
i bought an 1/8 last night. sweet riza hooked me up with nearly 5g of golden shit from heaven. yeah, it put a smile on my face too. 5g. "damn, it's a lot," i said out loud. fyi, i've been talking to myself alot lately. being by yourself all the time would do it to you too. well, im doing this by myself today. i'm 5'3, 106lbs.. i'm nervous. i wasnt going to take them unless i was ready. okay i'm ready... r u?
6:45p pst: just got home from 9-5 hell. i havent ate anything at all today. i was awaiting the moment to taste the disgusting, stick to your teeth, shit on my tongue. its funny, i didnt hesitate this time. drugs have been the only reason for living. i look for a purpose, a way out. x, smoke, 151. today the d.o.c is mushies. i grabbed whatever my index and thumb could hold and shoved it into my mouth. the news is on.. another child abduction. "let's change this shit!" alrite, teen titans.. its a rerun but entertaining none the less. by the end of the show.. they were all gone. im already nauseas.
7:30p- 12:30a: i battled the nausea still. what a fight. i even threw up in my mouth and swallowed it back up. i would rather lower myself to this than waste one psilocybin molecule. the effects came on so quick. the onset of visual effects happened when the tv started to melt. that was pretty cool. i watched in amusement as the tv melted then it would hit reverse and became normal again. over and over. i was still thinking normally. i knew that these were just the effects of the mushies.
music.. i need some music. this was a jungle mood. the rubberband man sounds of dj fury.. i put fantasia in the vcr and turned the tv volume all the way down.. the music and the movie went together, beat to movement. the fairies danced right off the screen and ice skated circle around me. it was hilarious.. i laughed at the absurdity of it. my side started to cramp from the laughing. a light in the sky. it was the moon. as i stared at it, a face formed and smiled at me. "hey wuts up man!! man in the moon.." i made a friend.. we laughed hystercally together..
i decided to try to get the camcorder to work so that i can enjoy these moments time and time again.. i fumbled with it but just i couldnt get it to work, i didnt forgot how to operate it. i couldnt understand how.. this was all so funny. how confusing technology is. i could watch pictures move on a box. i could hear a montage of sounds coming out of another box.
by this point, i was shrooming balls out, my hand didnt feel like my own, i felt i was smoking cigarettes with someone else's hand, i was tingly and uncoordinated, everything was bright pink and melting into everything else, i could stick my hand into the tv, i could melt into the wall, the room was one big void of swirling pink madness, i forgot who i was, forgot my name, i couldnt even put my hair into a ponytail because my hands kept meshing and becoming hair, and i tried to write stuff down but my thoughts were swirling around with the room.. but strangely enough, everything seemed normal and i remember everything so vividly.. i no longer realized that i was in a different state of mind. i'm explaining this now because the events to come are a little off the wall.
the light outside caught my attention once again. the man in the moon, smiling and winking, beckoned for me to come outside. there was something he wanted to show me. there was a white goat. it had a luminescent glow in the moonlight. i followed it. it was searching for food. compassion overwhelmed me. my poor goat. i found a skyflake cracker in my jacket pocket. i slowly moved towards it. it looked at me nervously. "its okay.. dont worry, im here to help." as we stared at each other, we connected mentally. i felt his hunger and suspicion then like a switch, we found trust.. it stepped towards me. i held out the cracker and the moment it took the cracker into its mouth- a glorious light filled the night. with magical detail, sparkles and smoke, the goat transformed into a gray unicorn with flowing gray hair. it moved in slow motion. beautiful and spectacular.
i was in awe, shocked by the wonderment of something so amazing. and i was a witness to it. simple me.. i felt so special, and as i smiled.. tears ran down my face. its been so long since i felt so alive. i havent found beauty in life or my life at least.. until this moment. the unicorn wanted me to close my eyes. i felt no fear, no pain, no tiredness, no cold. i felt breathless and anxious and tingly, what i could only explain as pure love. it told me that this is what the universe was made from.. this was the secret to life and everything around me and death and everything it becomes.. i fell into a state of this purity. it explained that my compassion fuels me. i loved the goat regardless of who, what, when, where, why, how. we are all connected through love.. it is what makes us 'alive'. the grass and the trees and all things living have derived from love. the grass and trees love us so they help us to breath. somehow we are all interconnected and in need of each other to survive, to understand.
i looked at the grass. it was cut short. the unicorn asked me if i know why this is. "because someone cut it?" i replied. it nodded its head and said,"if the grass had a choice.. it would grow until it could no longer but instead it is cut because it is how someone else perceives beauty. you are the grass. you limit yourself to what others want you to be rather then letting yourself grow to your limits. you are also the goat, hungry and lost. if you feed your hunger you will become me. i am only a reflection of your wisdom and conscience. you are your only artist.. transform yourself into a masterpiece, mold your mind into what your soul can see.. and dont worry about consequences as long as your decisions are in good intention. one day we will meet again.. here."
i opened my eyes.. it was gone. the night was crisp and refreshing. i was sitting against the fence in my backyard. i felt serene. i looked up at the sky and the moon was again a normal sphere of light with a green tinge to it.. the visuals lasted until 2:30a or until i when i went to sleep. as i lay in bed i thought of the events that were to change me the rest of my life. life.. today i learned what it is. it is so beautiful. today i found purpose.. all of life has one, as you.. if you take the time to look. and remember, love is the meaning of life..
thank you for taking the time to read this.. i hope that this experience could somehow touch you, and help you to make positive changes- big or small.. have fun and be safe.