First, a couple of words about myself, so that you know where I am coming from.
First, a couple of words about myself, so that you know where I am coming from. I am a 24 year old male. I am new to psychadelics, this was actually my first mushroom experience. I had done some research, and one of my friends is somewhat experienced, so he told me what to expect. But I am a very skeptical person by nature, I like to think of myself as "knowledgeable", but now I know it's all bullshit.. but it doesn't matter.
There were two of us, both were doing it for the first time. I so wish my experienced friend was there as well, but we were too impatient to wait for him to drive up next weekend. We were told that the bag contained enough for three, but we split it two ways, thinking it didn't look like that much. My advice to everyone - invest in scales.. we were in over our heads.
Before taking it, I set up the WinAmp with 6 hours of psytrance. I knew that it would take it an hour or so to kick in, so for the first hour I put tracks by Talamasca, Cosmosis and Doof. After that, for our peak, I put exclusively Shpongle, since even before this experience I suspected that it was divine music, now I know this for sure. And after that I had some mellow come-down tracks by Art of Noise, but we never got there..
I started feeling things 15 minutes into the evening. Pulsating energy in my limbs, I got up and started making tracers with incense - incense never looked so good. Suddenly, I noticed that my whitewashed walls are covered with colors, light blue and pink.. same with the ceiling..
One corner of the room, where my bookshelf is, suddenly came into focus and I could read the titles of the books in complete darkness. Walls became pixelated. My coat hanger started to transform its hooks into branches and gently wave them, which was completely improper considering there was no wind.
The ceiling line became curved and the room stretched out.. at the same time I felt big in reference to the room.. I thought that if I stretch out I could touch the walls from the center of the room.
Nothing was happening to my friend, but he is heavier than me, although he did take a bit more. He just saw the pink and blue in the walls. It turned out he was about 15 minutes behind me in his sensations, but as the evening progressed, he caught up..
I looked at my hands: one was definitely larger than the other, and it kept getting chubbier and chubbier, fingers were getting shorter.. i waved my fingers and they acquired a life of their own.. it was like they were looking back at me and smiling. it was very weird.. i felt that i was turning into something.. so I told myself to stop it.. and it went away..
I closed my eyes.. and saw the most beautiful 3d visualizations in my life.. I could see the music.. All the colors were in complete harmony with the music.. I noticed that the music is sounding in my head, it was no longer coming from that corner of the room where the speakers were.. I could still hear traffic and the rain outside in the perifery.. but the music was inside me and it was pulsating, and creating the most beautiful patterns and flows and transitions.. I said "cosmic beauty" and my friend said yes, as if he was seeing the same.. I looked at him, he was lying on the floor convulsed in laughter.. I had never seen him so happy in his life..
Music slowed.. really slowed.. It felt as if each beat was taking at least a minute, and I could fit my entire existence in that minute.. I kept telling myself that this is very weird, because I know these songs by heart, and none of them are stretched like this... Whenever there were lyrics, I could actually understand every word and every syllable.. and that's something I could never do.. Hallucinogen started with "the herb garden" and the lyrics
about the Yeti were the funniest I had ever heard, even though I had heard them before.
The visuals behind my closed eyelids became more intense, I can't describe it.. I felt like I was dissolving in the color and energy flows, I started to exist and existed only in this realm of flowing transitions in tune to the music.
I started noticing that this realm did not simply consist of visual patterns, it was inhabited.. and not just by me, but by something else.. I felt accepted by this something. I am an atheist, so it is very hard for me to conceptualize this. This realm was welcoming me.. I couldn't understand the nature of its inhabitants.. but I knew for sure that there were many of them, and at the same time they were one..
I know, I am probably not making sense.. but all my life, I have been trying to understand this paradox.. how one can be many at the same time.. All the poetic metaphores about the drops of water forming a sea, and the coin having two sides.. it all made such perfect sense now.. Unity with many faces... It seemed to me that the realm is some form of superior intelligence, maybe an alien race that has developed beyond its physical limitations and exists in this space.. and that made total sense, because it was the perfect place to exist.. And at the same time I felt that I belonged in this space as well, which led me to conclude that eventually I will also move beyond my physical body and be one with the realm, and this thought was confirmed.. I noticed that from the depth of my being questions were rising and being immediately answered. And all of this was happening with such playfulness..
I tend to think of myself as an easy-going person.. and during this part of the experience, I realized the defining essence of my existence.. one word summarizes it - playfulness. I saw myself like a puppy - curious, innocent,
trusting and playful. "We are immortal playful gods," I said aloud, and my friend said "yes," as if he was thinking the same.. it was such an incredible feeling of being in tune with everything: my friend, the realm, the music.. I
realized that Shpongle's "Divine Moments of Truth" which was currently playing is a creation of another playful god. For a split second I envied Shpongle for being able to create such utter beauty.. but immediately I understood that my own appreciation of this beauty is no less creative than their creation of it. "Shpongle is god," I said outlaud, and my friend said "yes" again.
I started experimenting with asking conscious questions, but everything I came up with was so trivial. I asked if I was beautiful, and the answer was "right now, with the light falling on your face like that, and your chin up like that... you are beautiful" and then there was laughter that merged with mine and I understood that it was a silly question and it deserved a silly answer like that. I asked if I will have children some day and the answer was "yes"
and I had a feeling that there would be at least one boy and one girl, all the other questions I asked were answered by an encompassing and eternally true "IT DOESN'T MATTER.."
Time stopped existing.. familiar concepts lost their reality and relevance. My next question was not consciously produced and was about the realm itself. I suddenly understood that when people get high like this and make contact with the realm, it's like the realm is getting high too.. I understood the symbiosis between the reality and the realm.. They need us as much as we need them.. They and us are just different but connected manifestations of the same thing.. I thanked them for allowing me to come play in their magnificent universe-size eternal playground, and they said that they were playing in my playground at the same time, and always, it's just that we take everything for granted and don't see the beauty of their play in our day-to-day lives.
I started thinking about what other people have felt in similar situations, and whether we feel things because we expect to feel them, and other people in general, how some of them never realize the important things, and are conditioned by the society into their little roles.. But I suddenly understood that this was elitist bullshit anthropology, that in this realm, their lives are no less richer than mine, that the societal conditioning itself is a manifestation of the same realm and it all makes sense and exists in perfect balance. Everything flows into each other and everyone is part of it. Once again I felt an utter sense of belonging and acceptance.. My natural question was "is there anyone who is not accepted, anyone left out," and the answer was "no, some just don't realize that they are accepted, but it doesn't matter, because acceptance is meaningless, we are all the same thing.. how can something not accept itself.."
Next I realized that I no longer recognize the music.. I knew for sure that Shpongle should be playing for at least 4 hours, but since time was no longer relevant, I did not know where in the playlist we were.. There was no playlist, there was nothing.. I stopped to exist.. I was entirely at the mercy of the realm. It was ministering to me with this strange unknown music, and it was taking me higher and higher.. I had absolutely no control over this, I was just a particle of light rising to the highest point of the
And then there was emptiness. No thought, no emotion.. even the music disappeared.. everything stopped existing.. It was the most disturbing experience of my life, even more disturbing than the nightmare that followed.. Because it was totally unfamiliar, i knew it was impossible to be so empty.
Next I felt the condensed sadness of the world.. I opened my eyes and the room was so dark.. and getting even darker.. walls were caving in.. the ceiling was gradually descending on my chest.. I couldn't breathe.. I could hear the music again, but it was not music - they were screams and moaning full of anger and hatered.. I felt a raw, unadulterated hopelessness.. the essence of fear.. i realized that i am essentially a coward.. like a cornered puppy which was so playful until something scared it beyond its wits.. and I could not rationalize this fear away because it wasn't a fear of something.. it was just fear.
My experienced friend had warned me that if I freak out I should just go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face and it would all disappear.. That was so not true.. first of all I couldn't lift a finger to save my life. Nothing existed at this moment.. not water, not me, not anything.. everything was futile and hopeless.. i just lay there wishing it would end and telling myself without believing it that it would be ok.. My friend looked at me and asked if I were ok, and things started to feel better I could sense reality again.. the music became rhythmical again and i felt a little uplifted, so I said that I was ok, so that he wouldn't worry.. It was my apartment and I was the host, and I was supposed to be taking care of him..
Shpongle came back with "Flute Fruit", the song that I once said I wished to die to, because it was so beautiful and sad.. But this time it was not sad at all.. it was the most uplifting experience of my life.. it took me from the abyss that I was in to the heights which I didn't know existed.. it was opening a whole new world to me.. I asked in amazement, "how did they get here before us, so that they could create this music and guide us here.. Shpongle is truly god," and my friend said "yes" again..
The rest of the night for me was a pendulum.. the highs would get progressively higher.. then there would be a moment of complete emptiness followed by so much pain and suffering that my previous miserable state would seem like happiness in comparison.. In my most dreadful moments, I would curse Shpongle for making music full of such misery and sadness, and in my best moments I could not imagine anything better than their music.
Pretty soon I realized that the next swing of the pendulum is probably going to do me in.. I started to fear it.. I could not even enjoy the high because I knew that the dreadful moment of emptiness is right around the corner, and then there will be misery again.. needless to say, the misery would start immediately after I thought that..
This happened at least 3 times, maybe four before I started to throw up.. my friend obviously realized that something was wrong and he rushed to me.. I held his hand and refused to let him go.. even holding his hand like that was
not bringing me back to reality.. but it was definitely helping.. i looked at his face, and he was smiling and telling me it was ok.. but everything around him was getting darker and darker, and the music was still a compilation from some ungodly slaughterhouse..
My friend made me go to the bathroom and splash my face with cold water.. he had to drag me because I refused to walk.. I kept telling him that it was all useless.. there was no water, no bathroom, no hope.. everything was shit. Water did not help.. I collapsed outside the bathroom door on my way back.. my friend rushed into the living room and pulled the plug on the music and turned all the lights on.. this seemed to help a little.. silence was so soothing.. gradually reality was coming back.. I vomited again, and my friend gave me water and said that there was nothing left in me, so everything should be over soon.. I'm so glad he had kept his senses through this.. I don't think I would make it out of this without him.. Some host and care-taker I turned out.. sorry man..
He told me later that he started freaking out too about the time I stopped vomiting.. and he stopped the music and turned the lights on as much for his own sake as for mine.. but his experience was probably not as intense.. he does weigh more than me after all..
We turned on the TV and watched an English movie on some cable channel about this sweet elderly lady who was going to lose her house so she starts growing pot to make money.. it was very funny.. especially the part when she tries her own product.. This gradually brought us back to normality.. things were still very sharp and colorfull, and I could tell that I was still under the influence and my pupils were still dilated, but it no longer had a hold of me.. I was back and it was a good feeling.
I never felt so tired in my life.. I was emotionally drained and could not talk to my friend about our experience.. So I went to bed and slept peacefully for 6 hours. It turned out that the whole eternity of this trip was contained in three earthly hours. I know it would have lasted longer than that had I not vomited and pulled the plug on the music. But I just couldn't handle it anymore.. The vomiting was uncontrollable.. it was like I was possessed by something which could only speak by making my hurl..
This was by far the most beautiful and the most miserable experience of my life. I have a feeling that the beauty was enhanced by the misery, it all makes sense that way, because it is after all two sides of the same coin.. I don't think my highs would feel so good if I were not rising to them from an abyss of despair. So I don't regret it.. I have learned a great deal about myself, my life, and the universe.. I am very fortunate.. I know the meaning of life now, but I can't tell it to anyone because there are no words to conceptualize it, and there is no point really.. would they be impressed? WHO CARES, IT DOESN'T MATTER..
-->I'll be happy to hear your comments on my experience. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org