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Realizing myself

It started on a saturday night.



It started on a saturday night. The past couple of days a lot of negativity had been revolving around me, which I usually avoid but there was no way around this. Now, I'm about 5'6" and 135 lbs and male. I figured a good spiritual mush trip would bring me back to my better state of mind. I bought a quarter intending on giving half to my ex (we were going to trip together) she had been angry with me earlier. I called her when I got them and she wouldn't answer. I supposed it was because she didn't want to talk. I ate the whole quarter which was more than I had ever done at one time, and drank two bottles of o.j. I was peaking within 45 mins.! I went to drive up this mountain where I always go to look over the city lights. It was about 11:00 p.m. When I started going up the mountain a storm of Hell billowed down the road towards me! A big dark cloud engulfed the car and there were demons scratching the windshield and I could hear it! I knew I was trippin, but I had seen things like this before in this place, just not to this extent. It felt like it was pulling the car to a hault, so I turned around and drove the opposite direction. I just kept driving until I couldn't feel all of that negative persuasion trying to get me. I finally started feeling o.k. again and the relaxation made me trip incredibly hard. Every now and again I would snap out of it and realize I was driving. I suddenly realized that I had been driving for quite some time and didn't know where I was or how I got there. I then started to become scared and confused and very paranoid. I was listening to this crazy song and it kept talking about going in circles. I then realized that the road I was on just kept taking me in circles and I couldn't find the way out! This caused me to think about my life and how I just keep living in circles. I pulled over and stopped so that I could gather my thoughts. I found out that I was right in the middle of the cities crack-head village. Not good! I shut off the lights to the car so as not to be seen. When I did that, I instantly went in to a literal coma of tripping. I couldn't move, couldn't think, I didn't even know that I was still in the car. It was just straight trippage. I went into my mind and decoded everything. I could see my eyes from in my head. It looked like the art from the artist who does the art for Tool. I saw colorful chains made of rainbow light restraining my mind as if I was enslaved and a veil was blinding my mind from knowing something important. I then became a vapor that was directly connected with, and a part, of everything. I think that was my spirit and realized to a better extent how we are all different parts of one big life force or universal structure. I liked it for a while, but then a car drove by, sort of snapping me out of it. It looked like a cop, so I ducked. I could have sworn I seen him turn and park behind me and turn his cherries on. But he never got out of the car. I was to paranoid to start the car or get out so I just waited there. He never left! I then realized that I was really cold. It was about 10 degrees outside and I had been trippin with no heat for nearly 2 hours! I didn't want to risk getting busted though, so I just sat there. I slipped back into my coma, but this time it was different. I felt my body begin to cease to function. My trip became very horrible, but there was nothing I could do. I was helpless. I began thinking about everything and began feeling like I was a waste of space for doing something like this. My life began to flash before my eyes upon the windshield as though it was a movie. I'm not even kidding, I could remember being in the womb. Every single moment flashed before me up until that moment, and I realized why I was there. My own stupidity and selfishness had obviously put me here. This all took about two more hours. The world around me became Hell. I then understood that when you die you go to the Heaven or Hell which your mind was in before you died. This was my Hell. I could see the wonderful light of Heaven just above me, but I could not reach. I saw my grandpa who had recently passed away saying something I could not hear. I felt my heart beat slower. It literally was beating about once every 3 or 4 seconds. Very slow. My breathe shortened. I thought to myself, "you ate too much and your dead!" a small voice arose and whispered to me, "it's not the mushrooms that are killing you, it's yourself!" That inspired me. I knew I had to muster up the mental, emotional, and physical strength to get out of this situation or I would die. I kept lifting my hand to put the key in the ingnition, but right before I could get it I would go limp and drift back into my coma for a moment. I must have tried 30 times. Finally I decided to turn on the lights. I knew light would snap me out of it. I didn't care about being busted anymore, I wanted to live! It took me about 10 tries, but I finally got the light on. This brought me back enough to turn the car on and the headlights. I finally felt like I could function again and realized there were never and lights behind me! I made a little prayer to God and asked for help to find my way home. I turned the music off and drove. I didn't think about anything, just drove and somehow managed to make it home without getting lost or even remembering how I got there in the first place. When I got home the house was all stretched out and huge and for a moment I thought I was at the wrong house. I ran inside and looked in the mirror, thanking God for his help. What I saw in the mirror scared me bad. My face was purple and blue and a little swolen. White foam surrounded my lips. My fingers were all blue and swolen and my arms. I had nearly frozen to death simply because of my paranoia. I looked like I was dead. I still wonder if I did die for a while, because I looked more dead than anything dead I had ever seen. The moral of this story, don't ever trip when you are lonely, alone, and in spite of someone else.
There are, of course, very many more details to this story. The extent of it really can't be understood unless it was happening to you. I learned that selfishness is Hell. Needless to say, this trip really messed with my head. I still don't feel the same. I feel as though I lost a part of myself and I may never get it back. It makes me sad sometimes, but I hope the part I lost was a part that needed to be lost, if anybody can understand that. I am "A Part of Infinity" and I'm still using mushrooms as a tool for learning with a deeper physcological process.

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