Please Reply.....lost and afraid!!!!!!!!!

Dunno if this really belong in this section but nevertheless.

I've done shrooms pretty much, but now it has been two since i did shrooms. I don't know what happened but i took five consecutive bad trips and haven't been anything near what i consider an "normal" or "sane" human being, the first six months after i stopped taking "stuff".
I was at home, reading a good book when it hit me (this is a week after the last trip) i started feeling EXTREMELY anxious+ my hands were shaking (they are shaking even now, that i go through those events in my mind) and i couldn't quite figure out why and thought that maybe it will go away if i relax, i put away the book, took a cup of coffee and a cigarette, turned on TV and started watching the TV, the coffee cup was half-empty when it hit with full force...TOTAL PANIC (worse then a bad trip, almost), it was so horrible, there's no way i could describe it, but i was crying and wandering all over my house, i didn't know what was happening to me, like i was lost in somewhere, i looked out of the window and saw the same landscape as always though this time there was nothing for me, like i wasn't a part of this world anymore, still i was crying and was feeling like the only way out of the feeling was to kill myself (seemed so easy, just kill yourself and it ends)....but then i thought that this feeling is HELL, if i kill myself only my body dies and my mind is trapped forever in this trembling hell, i went to WC and puked a few times, that helped a little, VERY little.

When this went over after few hours i was afraid and terrified and constantly feared that it'd come back, well so it did....and it still after two years sometimes come, my head is constantly messed up, i have difficulties in short period-memory and my life has suffered a lot after that event, i'm no more happy or warm-hearted, i'm almost everyday sad, and feel like trapped in memories and past....almost like i'm just and actor in my life that someone else has lived.

i'm really scared of what has happened to me and would be very pleased if anyone has any advices or ideas of what went wrong/ what should i do, Thank You