My mind shatters

Foreword: do NOT try to replicate what I did, I was quite drunk when I took the shrooms and I smoked a lot of cannabis during, and just after ingesting the shrooms. It was the most dangerous thing I have ever done in my life, I am being utterly serious when I say I could have died during my trip. While I was experiencing the climax, I could have very easily writher into a car, if somebody had found me they would have been abloe to do whatever they wanted to me, and I wouldn't have been able to do anything. So do NOT do what I did, I am deadly serious when I say this.

Mindset/settings: am feeling rather drunk, happy that I have finished a lot of work, so I decide to make a night of it.

Preparations (in the loosest definition of the term): have drunk about 3 pints and smoked a lot of weed (about 4 joints worth) before ingesting the shrooms.

Dose+timing: Eat 30 grammes of liberty caps (I think), raw, all at once at the centre of Cambridge at 6:30 PM with my friend, who also eats 30 grammes. We smoke 2 joints in the 30 minutes after ingestions (this certainly explains the sheer intensity and danger of my trip).

Other: I am male and relatively skinny.

The trip: I shall skip the first part of my trip, I experience the usual visuals, changes in perception of time etc I shall start off when I leave the pub at about 10:30 and try to get away to somewhere private, as I am about to lose all control on perception. I am now in a park in the middle of Cambridge, about to lose the last remnants of control on reality. So here goes:

My personality starts to fragment, I switch between different personalities and perspectives, I become the complete opposite of who I am. I experience the entire range of possible personalities. My soul is being taken apart one by one, my greatest fears and my greatest dreams are lived/experienced very vividly, I go on an emotional rollercoaster, rollercoaster is an understatement, my emotions are in a centrifuge which is being spinned faster and faster. I experience sheer terror, helplessness and paranoia in their purest, rawest form, I also experience euphoria and ecstasy in its purest form. Intense experiences flash before me. I am now lying on the bench, right now I am utterly schizophrenic (in terms of my sense of identity), psychotic (in terms of what I perceive) and bipolar (in terms of my emotions). Reality starts to disintegrate, I start to die. I see a small tunnel of light in front of my eyes, I can feel death calling to me, calling me to give in and become one with nature again. My ego is scared absolutely shitless, I stop breathing, everything slows down, I stop feeling, my heart stops beating, the world around me disintegrates into absolute nothingness. This part I find the hardest to describe, the best simile I can give is, the big bang theory states that before the big bang, the universe did not exist, time and space did not exist, it was nothingness in its purest form, and this is what I experienced. I did not exist, the universe did not exist, time and space did not exist. I do not know how long this went on for in the real world, maybe an hour, maybe half that, I really don’t know (since time did not exist). I exist in a limbo state where nothing is real, length, breadth, height and time have no meaning, they do not exist, the universe hasn’t sprung into existence, everything is sterile and bizarre, I feel the essence of nothingness and non-existence. Mentally, I was dead. I cannot sense (coherently), I cannot talk, I cannot walk, I cannot think, I cannot feel. All of a sudden a jolt springs to me, the big bang goes off, the universe explodes in a ball of pure energy, matter and energy re-assemble themselves. I am reborn, my mind starts doing so too. My ability to sense and experience comes back, but I cannot differentiate between sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. I taste colours, I see sounds, I feel the underlying essence of matter and energy. Memories, long term and short term, experiences in the present, experiences in my imagination intermingle in a bizarre way. Reality is still an alien concept. My first experience is an out of body experience, I can see myself lying on the ground, but my features are jumbled up and morphed together, like in a cubist portrait, eyes, noses, lungs are all connected in a freaky mutated fashion. My senses gradually start to organise themselves, I am still tripping hard, but my mind is slowly regaining the ability to make sense of the information that is coming into it (and the information which is stored in my memory). My sense of perspective comes back, the world gradually regains some form and shape. I remember how to walk (I crawl first), I am learning at an astronomical pace, I can hear people walking past, but I cannot understand the noise coming out of their mouths, why are they doing this? Gradually my concept of language comes back, I sit down as still as a statue by a wall of some sort as my mind sorts itself out. A long time later, two midgets come up to me asking if I am on crack (they probably weren’t midgets), I can only speak in short, incoherent phrases, they ask me if I was beaten up, I cannot answer coherently, they stick a piece of chewing gum in my mouth. I walk in circles around drummer street, I still don’t remember who I am or where I live. I have yet to develop a coherent sense of identity. It is after midnight (I think), the world has regained it’s shape and form, but it is a caricature of itself, curves are exaggerated, shapes fluctuate, they breathe, bend, twist, change colour and texture. I now have a vague idea of who I am, I remember I have a mobile, I remember my number, I call my parents. I see it is 2 AM, I talk in a very odd fashion, I can talk just about coherently, but I still have yet to develop a dialect, I speak in a monotone voice. My dad is on his way, I have regained enough consciousness/control to disguise the fact that I have just had the most mind-bending experience of my life. Nature is starting to re-organise itself to the max, my mind is working now, I am conscious, yet something is different. I can feel a hidden energy pulsating in the very fabric of space and time. I feel like I can manipulate it at will, I have the power to bend lamp-posts, I see the underlying fabric of reality. Space, time, energy and matter are all manifestations of this fabric, the fabric is the only thing that is constant, true and always there, everything else depends on the perspective from which you observe it, I cannot really describe it in language, it cannot be described/categorised in words because it is everything and it is nothing, language simply isn’t subtle or complex enough to convey what I am feeling. The closest thing I can think of describing it is Plato’s ‘form of the good’, which is the underlying essence of the fabric of the universe, from this spring many different forms which produce energy, matter, the dimensions, time. These essential forces interact with each other constantly, dancing a cosmic ballet, which is at once infinitely intricate and complex, and at the same time fundamentally simple and constant. Right now I am one with nature, I am it and it is me. Everything makes sense, everything is possible. I feel like Neo in the matrix where he sees the matrix for what it really is, that by changing yourself you can change the world, again I think the matrix says it the best really ‘don’t try to bend the spoon, bend yourself’.
My dad arrives, I probably appear very weird, but it is dark and I have regained control. A sudden clarity and sense of perspective comes over me, I start talking about the Estonia trip and stuff. I pick up my bike at Coleridge (the tyre had exploded while I was biking up to the station, this I didn’t imagine), and came home, went to the bathroom, washed my face and hands. All seemed calm, yet I had a new, godlike power, my limbs were constantly changing shape, I experimented, I went into a trance-like state, the doors of perception were wide-open before me, yet I knew they were going to close soon. I move my arms, they blur as they are moved. I see the world pulsating, like it is a reflective rubber sheet which I am bending, twisting and changing to change my perceptions. I blur my two hands into one. I go into bed, I have a ‘sixth sense’ I can feel the effects of the environment around me. I can project my consciousness downstairs where I hear water running, I get out of bed and turn off the tap. I can sense the sheer vibrancy of the universe, the intricate network of living organisms with different degrees of consciousness that make the earth. Every action has consequences, I imagine the example of a butterfly flapping it’s wings, and I can feel the disturbance growing until it forms a hurricane. Everything makes sense, I have no fear, no anxiety, just pure curiosity and wonder and awe. I look outside, I can change my perceptions at will, I make the trees appear as a mosaic pattern, I watch the clock, I make time slow down and speed up, I cannot make it go backwards though. This brief period of enlightenment lasts for the remainder of the trip, which was probably 2 hours. I wake up and I am a new person, my priorities are re-organised. I have gone to the fundamental limits of experience and back, and I survived. I have no fear, everything is possible. A new sense of calm and perspective overcomes me. I have dismantled my brain and seen what makes it tick, I have dismantled consciousness and seen what makes it tick, I have dismantled nature itself and seen what makes it tick. I will keep this experience with my for the rest of my life.