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insane paradox

I've been tripping frequently over the last 6 or 7 months of my life.

I've been tripping frequently over the last 6 or 7 months of my life. After a stressful couple weeks of finals at college I arrived back home. Me and my buddies had been planning a welcome come trip for a few weeks so one morning we all woke around 11 and started the day off with about 8 grams of chocolate covered shrooms each. I was pumped to head off on the trip but for some reason i was sensing a little apprehension, a fear I usually didn't have before entering a trip. I told myself it would be fine and we headed back into the woods behind my friends house. The trip picked up quickly and the visuals were amazing. I was staring at a beaver hut on the river behind my friends house and it had taken on a life of its own. The wood pattern's looked strangely similar to a beaver's face. The wind picked up and the blending of the senses was definitely in full effect. I felt the wind, felt peaceful and uplifted, and took in the beauty of the grass which was moving with the pace of the wind in perfect geometric patterns. I knew i was wacked but that the "knowing phase" came to a screeching halt. I was sitting on the grass thinking about my family, my life, what i was here for and life suddenly seemed like the greatest gift i could even have. Just being able to exist and experience was all i needed. The sun was shining and I felt the presence of some upper being as i stared into the sky. At that point I ceased to exist, I was in the space between reality and space not knowing what or who I even was. Then came a sudden shock back to the real world. I came to the conclusion that where I was was too peaceful, too insane, and to perfect to be imaginable. No mushroom could ever do this. I must be dying.
I looked at my good friend, saw the fear on his face, and told him I thought i was dying of a hear attack. The right side of my body locked up and I felt my heart racing. Symptoms of a heart attack ran through my brain and became real. Then my friend told me we had eaten mushrooms and I calmed myself down. We somehow ended up in the backyard of his house during the peak of the trip. I felt this indescribable feeling of (in the best words I can put together), being an innocent child, intense fear, peacefulness, and confusion all mixed together. In my mix of insanity i came to the conclusion that I was always sick in the head since a little kid and that I was doomed to live a life of insanity in this psychadelic realm, lonely, forever. I walked off by myself feeling helpless and scared. I saw a bus pass me on the road outside my friends house, being that at this point it was around 3 o'clock on a tuesday. I was confused as to where i was. Was i even there, what does this bus mean. Paranoid thoughts ran through my mind. I remember seeing myself walking with a big grin on my face and thinking, what if someone saw me right now. A good kid gone bad, sick in the head. I arrived back at my friends house to see my other three buddies rattling off to themselves on the grass in the back yard. My one friend looked at me and said "Are we OK, do we need to go to the ER?". Then the death idea came back into my head. The heartattack feeling was coming on stronger and the fear was growing. I kept on saying to my friend "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!" He was trying hard to get me back on some solid ground. Then at that point, I looked down at my body and I didn't understand competely what it was. I was completely disconnected from my earthly body and felt like I was hovering over the world. Pain ran through my body and I was convinced death was at my door. But at the same time I felt the most amazing peace and tranquility. I felt like everything was alright and that this was meant for me. To die at the young age of 18. I looked at the sky and felt intense warmth of that same presence one again. I then saw my other buddy who brought me back. He said, "Well I highly doubt your dying you just have to relax." I then realized how competely insane i was at the time. We started walking down the familiar roads of our hometown. I came to the final conclusion that even if I hadn't died I would still be completely insane. I then saw myself with a huge beard walking the earth from that point on and it felt extremely perfect and I thought that was all I needed. I thought i knew the secrect and I could be happy roaming the earth for the rest of my life. Another amazing feeling hit me at that point. I felt like I had found the key. I still felt pain jolting through my chest but I realized I could turn it off and turn it into peace. To know true peace you have to experience the pain of true fear. Life can often be a paradox and everything is based on perception. Letting go of everything and letting go of your fears can be extremely scary. The mind is a tool that can create extreme terror or pain as well as joy and peacefullness. We just have to control our minds and every moment can be extremely perfect. After my exhausting day I spent a great deal of time thinking about what it meant, because ,although we were all hallucinating, what we saw and felt was still a manefestation of our own unique minds.

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