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Im ready to die

I’m not sure if I can go through this step by step as it happened….

I’m not sure if I can go through this step by step as it happened….the whole night is turning into a blur. This is my first time tripping….last night, I was with a very good friend, the kind of person that you know everything about and are totally okay with each other, no qualms. I’ve been thinking about tripping for a while. A lot of spiritualistic realizations have been coming to me recently, and I have become very comfortable disregarding the Christian concept of god as it has always been preached to me and instead learning and feeling the ways of energy, taking it as far as to start studying Kundalini Yoga. I thought I was ready for this, but I found myself unprepared and had no clue what I was in for.

I bought the mushrooms from a friend. 2 1/8ths for 20 each. One bag was shake and the other was a huge cap. My friend, who is also an experienced tripper, ate the shake and I ate the cap. We had almost no waiting time for the effects...almost immediately things just ‘seemed’ different and as we were driving to our tripping location, and secluded beach area opposite of sea world (a beautiful spot) I broke into compulsive laughing that seemed to have no end…to the point where my stomach hurt and I was scared to laugh more. It was the best laugh I have ever had in my life…and I was just getting started.

The mushrooms hit quicker then she expected and we really shouldn’t have been driving at this point. It was only a couple more miles to the spot, and I was loving every second of this. It was night out and the black of the road disappeared into nothingness leaving only the lane reflectors, like I was in a video game. As we pulled up into the parking lot we were both gone. We parked the car and started walking…..we never stopped. I swear to you we walked for the next 12 hours….or was it 2?

As we walked I started to lose touch of reality, in a sense that everything turned into a cartoon. Everything was animated and in vibrant color, I felt like I was one with my friend, my ego was gone. I could have walked up to Pamela Anderson like she was my sister and randomly given her a hug for no reason.. It felt GREAT.

We had been to the spot earlier in the night, I organized a fire gathering with me and some of my friends who are also performers. Someone else that was here had been throwing a kegger at a picnic table up ahead….I had actually talked to some of these guys and thought they were pretty cool, until now. As I looked at the dirt in the ground, the abstract artistic realization of everything came into play, and then I saw the picnic table. It was a monstrosity of plastic cups, beer cans, bottles, napkins, plates all piled up, blowing over the beach and they had all just left it….. This was and is the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life. Everything around me was so beautiful, and here is this. We started to pick up the mess but it was beyond two people cleaning it up.

Next we walk over to the water, here the ocean turns into a medium sized river. As I crawled down to the waters edge again I am hit with environmental sadness at
the beauty that I am experiencing. The clouds come down from the sky and are right above me, the water changes the plane it’s on and I seem to be on the same level as it, only it’s not water, it’s BLUE. I can’t explain this…..it was a void of flowing blue. I looked down at some of the rocks that were at my feet and saw a collection of leaves that were red brown and yellow. Small thin leaves, ¼ of an inch by an inch, as the tide had come down they had coated the rocks and the water was running over them pushing them up and down. The colors were melding together and flowing around, on top of the fact that the leaves were actually moving. I looked at them and saw an artistic impression of a dead couple lying in each others arms. This was not sad, it was beautiful, in the ultimate sense of the word.

We got up from this and walked back to the car for some water. It was at this point that things started going wrong. Not bad wrong, but not good either. My friend started freaking out. Problems with life started eating at her and the openness of how shitty things are going for her hit her and she wanted to leave. I took the keys from her, being the responsible person that I am , no way in hell was I going to let her drive. It took me what seemed an eternity to talk her back into the fact that this was my first time tripping and she was supposed to be guiding me. We walked over across the parking lot to some bathrooms which ended up being locked. I got lost looking at the water. I seemed to be looking at a city in outer space.

At this point we started walking back to our spot again. I felt like a cartoon, and this walk was endless. It was already the third time that I had walked this path today and as we walked we noticed a bonfire of homeless people laughing and being obnoxious in their drunkenness. We discussed how they are in a different world all the time, like we are in now. We go to work every day and live the usual worldy schedule, and these people live on the beach. Sleep during the day, don’t go to work, and do it all again the next day, over and over again for years on end turning it into their life.

We continued walking and again stopped at the rocks by the water. This is where things become very hazy for me. At some point here sitting at the rocks and fumbling in the dirt, playing with nature, the keys to the car fell out of my pocket and neither of us noticed. These are the only keys to the car, in existence. This is bad.

We get up and continue walking (we don’t know the keys are gone). My trip is still getting harder. I have by now lost all sense of what we see everyday as reality and I had ALL the answers. I felt a complete understanding of everything and everything was OK. I could no longer see what was really around me. We continued walking until we realized how far we had walked. Probably 1-2 miles. Trudging along endlessly for no purpose.

I looked to my friend and told her that I felt as if we walked we were being pulled back to where we were….like reality was behind us, problems were behind us, life was behind us, and we were going to have to go back, it was sucking us back. I wanted to keep walking. I wasn’t walking on a sandy path next to the ocean. I was walking the answers. Every step was an answer, a realization, a beautiful transition into spiritual heaven. My friend makes me turn around, we had walked too far. She asks about the car keys….OH SHIT I don’t have them, she doesn’t have them. She asks me if I am joking with her….but everything is OK with me. It doesn’t matter that these are the only keys to this car and that she can’t get to work the next day without it, we can take the bus or a cab, or something. Everything was ok though.

My friend went on a rampage looking for the keys. This is when the trip hit me the hardest, we had been out here for hours and hours and hours on end walking around like bumbling fools and now the trip went to a level that scared me. I have tears coming to my eyes this second as I type this….I came to a point where I was so OK, understanding, and I don’t know…..I said out to the air that I understood everything and that I was ready to die. I was OK with dying. I understood what it all is, and it’s all OK. I couldn’t see what was around me, I was in clouds, but not clouds, just grey area all around me. It all came together that we are all here against our own wills and everyone else is just like me…..just like me, and I was so ok with this that I was ready to die.

My friend was still looking for the keys, she had scared herself sober. I was bumbling behind her, I told her that I know she is upset about the keys and even though I know I should be helping her find them I just couldn’t do it, because that would be ok and we could deal with this. I had something bigger on my mind. EVERYTHING IS OK.

I was scaring myself here. As these ultimate realization thoughts came to my head my mind was scared shitless wondering what the hell I was thinking. I suddenly wanted to throw up, I wanted it out of me. I tried gagging myself but all I could manage was spit. My friend told me that it wouldn’t help anyway, it was already in my system.

I suddenly understood what a bad trip is. Now I thought I was actually GOING to die. I tried to slap myself sober, I tried to push all the thoughts back, I took my sweater and my hat off and kneeled down wishing I could get it out of me. We had been tripping for so many hours…..when was I going to come down from this? Enough was enough, I had seen the light and it is fucking scary, I wanted out.

I started to come down slowly, my friend held me and hugged me and I started to not feel so bad. I brought myself to disregard the cartoon world around me and help her find the keys, and much to my enjoyment, I walked up to the rocks and randomly found them. It was pitch black out and it is still to my amazement that we are currently in possession of them.

We were so overjoyed about this that we had to go back to the car. We had hit a rock bottom point just because we didn’t have the keys to a car. Both our lives would seriously have been halted because of a set of car keys. Wow, did I learn a lesson from this.

Now the endless walk again. Where the sidewalk ends? I don’t fucking know because it sure as hell wasn’t happening. Not only was it not ending but as I looked up I couldn’t even see the end of it, it just kept going and going and going.

We made it though, we got in the car, against my normal judgement she ensured me that she could drive the 10 minutes to her house. We started the car, I swear I could see daylight coming over the horizon. We ate these at 11 o’clock and started tripping by 11:30, it must be at least 5-6am.

The clock comes on. It’s 1:45am in the morning. Not only do I remember nearly every little thing that happened in those two hours, but it all happened in just two hours….I still can’t believe it.

We drove back. I’m not going to go into detail about this, only to tell you that it was very irresponsible of us, and learn a lesson from me, never drive tripping.

At any rate, we made it home and tripped for about two more hours, just lying in bed kissing each other and enjoying the beautiful colors associated with what would be considered a normal trip, talked about how amazing what just happened had been, how lucky we are to have each other as friends, and fell asleep in each others arms, only to wake up to the confusing world that I had so recently had all the answers to.

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