HOW I DIED

the trip im about to tell you about happened almost a year ago-- fall of 97. i was living on my own for a few months, and i had been tripping all week of off some good kind "laugh-attack" type mushrooms. i was having so much fun and never wanted to stop tripping. unfortunatly my source ran out, so i had to take a two-day break. he had promised me some more by sunday, my 17th bithday.



he told me these mushrooms were different from the others, but thats all he said. a had been fasting for 24 hours, knowing that i was going to trip that day. a friend told me that not eating made the trip more intense, and that if i had a bad trip, all i had to do was eat something.



the mushrooms were definatly different. the others i had literally smelled like shit. these smelled and tasted delicious and fresh. i ate them straight out of the baggy ( i had always been too impatient to bother with tea or anything like that.) i ate a quarter and an eighth.



my boyfriend ate a dime bag, and twenty minutes after ingestion, he was asking me if i was okay. that's when the paranoia kicked in. i thought i was having a really good trip, but then i realized that i shouldn't be feeling that fucked up after twenty minutes. my boyfriend was feeling really wierd and i was freaked because i had eaten so much more than him.



we were driving down the interstate and his driving was really scaring me. i was seeing huge pulsating circles through the windshield. i tried to close my eyes but they only got worse.



luckily, we weren't too far from home, and his driving could quit scaring me. we stopped to play a game of pool before going home. the pool table was just way to big to play on, i thought. it was nearly impossible to pick up the pool stick because it was so heavy. then, when i was trying to shoot the ball, there was two of the same ball on the table. it was like seeing doubles, but they weren't the kind like when you're really drunk. they were PERFECT doubles. very scary.



you know how your tv looks when theres nothing hooked up to it and its just real fuzzy? well, as soon as i put the pool stick down, the walls had fuzzy lines. the lines actually started dancing the more i'd look at them. i told my boyfriend that we had to leave that horrible place.



we left the car and walked the block to the apartment. the grass that i had to walk through was sinking my feet. i didn't like this at all. i was totally freaked out because i have eaten so much acid before and had never felt like this.



back at the apartment and nearly an hour after ingestion, things were only getting worse. there was blank drawing paper on my kitchen table and i saw magical beautiful designs swimming all over it. i grabbed a pen so i could trace the designs for my boyfriend to see (he did not see the designs), but they were moving way too fast for me to catch up with. by boyfriend said he was worried about me. everytime he'd say that, i'd just get more and more paranoid. i was a pretty bad hypochondriac in my younger years and the intense paranoia was bringing it back. i was sure i was going to die.



a couple of friends and their baby came to my apartment. the baby was scaring me. i wasn't sure if that was a real baby she was carrying around or if it ws just a toy. when it cried, dark wavy streams of gas crawled out of its mouth. the actual noise (if there was any?) was a wavy silence that echoed forever in the back of my head.



my boyfriend gave the guy the remaining dime bag and told him to get rid of it. i watched in amazement as he ate it, thinking, "i wonder if i should tell him these are evil, or just let him have at it." but my thoughts got carried away in the walls behind his head. if you're having a bad trip, i think that panel is about the #1 worst thing to look at. there's some fucked up shit going on in the paneling that you normally would never see.....



...unless you're really smart. i was convinced for a while that the mushrooms had turned me into a genius and brilliant songs started popping in my head. the music fit so intricately into my genius head. everything was so beautiful for a while......



that's when my head hit the ceiling. i remember thinking, " it seems the ceiling would be harder than this." i saw the tops of evrybody's heads. the corners of the rooms were moving up and down-- back and forth. and i was up there on the top with the rest of them (who or what? i didnt know).



tiny little voices were whispering in my ear, "are you going to smoke all of that-- its almost gone." i couldn't understand why, exactly, they would be asking me such a thing, but the voices were vicious. then i realized that i shouldn't be hering these voices, i shouldn't be up on the ceiling, and there was a fire in my hand. the fire turned out to be the joint that i had just smoked all by myself, obviously, but i was just way too fucked to noticed.



suddenly i was down from the ceiling. but i still wasn't at the correct level that a person should be sitting at-- or maybe i was, but the three people sitting around me weren't doing okay, i knew it (even though the girl was sober.) my boyfriend and our two friends weren't portioned right to the chairs. they were so incredibly big and the chairs were soooooo tiny. but yet the tables were reaching their chins. "What is going on here?"



i was in a different world and i could not speak. my friends weren't even friends any more. i don't even think they were people. just objects that moved and made slightly amusing sounds. sounds that moved at an incredible speed......



i was feeling a scared that was unimaginable. the only thing that i think to do to stop this horrible nonsense was kill myself. since i didn't really exist, death seemed like the ideal thing to do. but unfortunatly i couldn't move. my body had already died. my brain was just left in this numb body so it could be tortured.



i had severe and terrifying emotional outburtsts (i suffer from manic depression but this was millions of times worse.) the emotions changed so frequently-- i hardlly remember the crying and laughing. the object to my left was touching my face--"shes freezing" funny how hot i felt.



i remember my friend telling me to eat something to get better. i managed to blurt out "food." i jumped up from my chair and it felt like something had whacked me in the head, so i had to sit back down. i saw many spots. i recognized my boyfriend's distorted body and his face was made of gas. (like it looks over a gas oven when you have the burners on and everything behind looks sort of melty-floaty.)



then i passed out..... <PLEASE READ "HOW I DIED" PART ii>

i need you help and advice -- your e-mail -- please!!