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Hellishly Intense Introspetive Nightmare.
Ive done shrooms several times before and I consider myself to be pretty experienced.
Ive done shrooms several times before and I consider myself to be pretty experienced.. but absolutly nothing could have prepared me for this trip. I took 1/8th of gold caps (im 180) on a completly empty stomach and then smoked about 2.5grams of some really good ganj about 20 minutes after eating the boomers. The ganj high climaxed just as I started to feel the mushrooms kick in... and I felt absolutly fantastic. I was playing Halo with some friends when things really started getting ridiculous. I started to lose the ability to connect thoughts to eachother.. Id get stuck in this thinking traps where id zone out thinking about thinking and I started to lose track of what was going on around me. Everything blurred out and things started to echo and then I fell off the couch onto the floor. I laid there laughing uncontrollably for god knows how long.. I had no sense of time at all.. my friends were all above me (they had only smoked weed) looking down at me laughing and saying I was insane and didnt know what I was saying.. they said I was talking ridiculously fast and I wasnt making any sense.. which of course didnt make any sense to me because I thought I was making perfect sense... I still felt pretty good, but the feelings were getting really intense but I was still able to control things to a degree... then my brother walked into my room and this terrible feeling of embaresment washed over me and created this horrible tightness in my chest.. my brother knew I had done mushrooms several times before but he'd never seen me on them.. and for whatever reasons that really effected me in a negative fashion.. I started to lose more of my grip on reality and everything appeared fake to me.. I walked and lookd around my room for brand items to remind me everything was real.. a papa johns box.. a coca cola bottle.. my cell phone.. my ipod.. they didnt reassure me too much though.. I kept thinking how helpless I was.. my thinking just completly overpowered everything I tried to do.. my hands and arms were shaking and I started losing complete control of my motor functions... I told me friends to put me in bed and by some miracle they understood me.. I told them not to leave me and to make sure I was fine every few minutes.. They put me up in bed and gave me some headphones and music to listen to.. I dont remember what was on.. I couldnt really hear anything.. then a friend brought his laptop in and let me watch office space in bed though I couldnt concentrate on the movie for any more than a moment or two at a time.. Id hoped that the movie would help keep my line of thought off of the bad feelings that were goin through me... my chest started to hurt and with a terrible start I realized that I was forgetting to breathe.. I was getting so sucked into my thoughts that my breathing wasnt coming... I tried breathing and thinking about breathing but id only get a breath in before id fall into a thinking trap again.. the most horrible feelings were going through me and thinking I was going to die because Id suffocate didnt help anything.. I had those most terrible feelings of dread and horror and they were completly inexplicable.. I felt like I was going crazy because I couldnt make sense of anything around me and everytime I tried saying something to my friends to let them know I was doing alright I didnt understand anything that was said and my voice just echoed and reverbrated and didnt make any sense at all... I thought that this must be what the crazy people in mental institutions think like.. the people that drool and laugh and cry in a cornor all day.. my thinking just completly disarmed me and there was nothing else I could do.. I wanted it to end so bad and for the first time in my life I thought of taking my life.. it seemed like a good idea.. and thats another point in which I realized I was completely off the deep end.. I hated myself for taking the mushrooms... I was scared and I was silently tearing up and I had to most terrible urge to just scream and scream and scream.. but the fear of getting caught by campus saftey (im in a college dorm) scared me to no end.. it felt like four years passed (though in hindsight im sure it was only a 30seconds-1 minute)and things started to go dark and what little grasp on reality and my environment dissapeared.. I felt like this must what dieing feels like.. I didnt feel anything, I could sense anything.. my sight was limited to only simple blurry shapes and extremely dull colors.. but eventually even this passed and blackness and emptiness enveloped me.. I thought about whether or not id led a good life and whether or not Id go to heaven or to hell... the prospect of hell scared me but it seemed really easy to isolate that emotion.. control it.. and throw it out... I thought about the beginnings of the universe.. thought about how it began and how incredible it is it think that its probably limitless.. going on forever and forever.. I thought about the scenes at the end of the men in black movies were they open lockers and there is a whole other world outside the locker or inside it.. I thought about my connections to other people.. how I related to them.. how ive touched and changed and influenced them.. I kept thinking about death too.. I felt bad that id let my parents down.. I felt terrible that id overdosed and mushrooms and if I ever came out of it Id be wandering aimlessly around a padded room all day.. mumbling to myself.. but then death was a pleasent thought because I didnt want to leave like that.. trapped in an impervious mental box forever. Im not quite sure how long these sorts of thoughts went on.. but at some point I began to remember that I was in my bed.. in my dorm room.. in my college etc etc etc.. and I began to gain a feeling of self awarness again.. I remembered I had a body and a heart and arms and legs.. I looked up at the laptop glowing in front of me and realized that music was playing.. A digital clock and an analog clock lay next to me.. I saw the word "Breathe" written on a worddocument in great big letters on the laptop screen and office space was some place just past the middle.. I remember asking how long ago id taken the mushrooms and wanted someone to lookup how to get out of bad trips and duration effects.. things I already knew myself but I wanted someone to reassure me.. its funny now that I think about it that I was only now asking about bad trips because the panic I felt now was nothing in comparison to what I was feeling earlier.. I was just uncapable of stringing thoughts together earlier so there was nothing I could except go with it... eventually I started feeling better bit by bit... seconds took years to go by but things got better.. I was still forgetting to breathe.. I was still having trouble thinkining in any sort of rational manner.. but the bad vibrations had stopped... I got down from bed.. smoked some ganj again.. and ate some pizza.. As terrible as all of that was.. it gave me a real appreciation for the power the brain has over you.. I doubt I will ever do mushrooms again after such a terrible and world changing experience.. but its an experience that im glad I had...
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