Eye owe Pan! IO PAN!

The amount of psilocybin i took was not just too much, it was FAR too much. funny, because it didn't look like a lot at first, just 4-5 dried (large) mushrooms. i had eaten light for 24 hours, and at breakfast (7.15 am) had 2 eggs (didn't fill me up) followed by a small cup of orange juice with the mushroom powder thoroughly dissolved in it. after 5 minutes i began feeling dizzy, but unlike previous trips it didn't seem to set in for a while. the last entry in my log was 45 minutes or so after ingestion, and consisted only of the word "circus," of which i have only a vague idea what i meant. i remember collapsing forward on the floor, and burying my head in my arms.

then, for the next 45 minutes to an hour, i was literally on the edge of consciousness. i may have blacked out, for i "woke up" with a strong memory of having re-experienced my birth and childhood, several key aspects in fact, including my forgotten relationship with my dog (whom i saw as my best friend), and also my genesis from the pieces of my parents; i also remembered some relatives, and other events i have not thought about in years. this affected me strongly emotionally, and i think i started crying. i thought that i should try and write some of what was happening down, but to my surprise & dismay i found was totally unable to move myself at will; i was completely absorbed by the mushroom. i know i eventually rolled over, because i looked up at the picture in my room of a forest in the smoky mountains, and (for my first time on psilocybin) i noticed it was MOVING, I mean really concretely, nothing blurry, MOVING; which entertained me more than it frightened me. i recall looking closely at the intricate details and watching them move before my eyes, and thinking, "yep, that is definitely moving" (of course i didn't believe it was moving, i still had my "senses" about me). the stream was flowing, and the trees were swaying, and the background sometimes would spiral. i was definitely still VERY enmeshed in the psilocybin experience; i had a couple mild seizures, my neck arched and my hands were spasming rapidly; my tongue would also break into glossolalia, and i also hummed a bit. my stomach felt a little funny, and i got an image of a large flower rooted in my stomach sprouting in or above my brain.

some minutes later i crawled onto my bed, into a fetal position, and watched my hands create some wicked crystalline light in geometrical patterns, and then i think i passed out again. i have vague memories at this point of my fingers prying at my eyes. i don't believe my normal consciousness was in control. i had wild visions of eyes (SO MANY eyes; the phrase "the eye-pussy dichotomy" ran through my head, as i became obsessed with the similar shape), and pentagrams and hexagrams, and hebrew letters danced a very holy dance in many dimensions (first 2d, then morphing into 3d). auditory hallucinations were very prominent, sounding like Autechre most of the time. at some point i noticed my mouth was very dry and cottony; i thought my mouth was coated in a white substance, and took a drink of some water; then i noticed that my jaw was very tense, that i was clenching my teeth. at this point i started having visions of a "very" satanic nature, like at one point i thought i had a goat's head, and i saw lots of images of Baphomet, and the averse pentagram that the COS uses. this kind of thing doesn't "scare" me, and i think i reconciled this by thinking that i was either in communication with or becoming the forest goat-god Pan. having reasoned this out later i figured this was due to my recent (the previous night) strong romantic interest in a girl at work with red hair and green eyes, which combination has traditionally been prized by satanists as being preferred by the devil (i think there is some qabalistic text which attributes those to Lilith). i had other thoughts of her, too. and also the previous night (in the "real" world ;) i had a delivery to a VERY cute girl with a speech impediment who looked like she was interested in me, and i had a vision where she invited me into her home and we did a wild dance & had sex in a primal animalistic way.

at the conclusion of the trip my whole body was sore, especially my neck and jaw from the spasms; i "came out" about 11 am, and ate some cereal. i was not as giddy as i have been previously (though i was plenty giddy); i was more exhausted, with little or no desire to ever do that again. and yet that very night i took a closing shift at work, which went well though i was quite tired.

one thing surprised me though, in other trips i have had a profound sense of an "other," an almost religious experience. not so this trip. it was more as if i had merged with the cosmos, or dissolved in it, into it.

PS~ Drugs don't make you talk this way. A previous Mushroom told me to say that. ;)