God loves me

Date: 14.11.2001
Dose: 7 dried Ps.Cub. (cca 3g) + 1g Syrian rue seeds
Author: Henry Case, Adam X

> Indented comments by Adam.

Adam came to my apartment around 18:00, we played with the computer and ate the mushrooms and the seeds, washing them down with some tomato juice. After maybe half an hour I noticed the beginning of the trip coming on, like an electric fluid running through my body. I started yawning and twisting my neck, popping my vertebrae (and making Adam vince:).

> Henry is a freak.

>> Look who's talking :)

I replaced the light bulb with a blacklight, burned some cinnamon incense, and played Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells in the winamp (with some pretty nice vis). I was playing with one of those toys that look like a maglite with a bunch of glass fibers of different length stuck in it - it was leaving some amazing tracers, and complementing the music really nicely. Then Adam started blowing soap bubbles, and I tried to make them float by holding my hand under them, hoping that the termik from my hand would be enough (it wasn't:).

When we got bored with that I took out some whippits, and inflated a balloon for each of us. I sat with mine on the bed, took it all in, and closed my eyes trying to hold it as long as I could. First I felt the tingling from the nitrous in my legs, and thought "nothing special" (I did nitrous before, but never while tripping), but then I saw (with my eyes closed) an amazingly beautiful yellow-green-red pattern spreading out across my field of vision, and realized that that pattern WAS the love of God (at the moment I was thinking Buddha, which is strange because I am Catholic and not really into Buddhism). I relaxed and started breathing normally again. The pattern and the love stayed with, around and in me, and I felt forgiven, felt that I could forgive myself, let go of the guilt of not being everything everybody else (especially my mother) wanted me to be. I stayed like that for a long time, and when I finally opened my eyes, I promised myself never to forget this lesson.

> Yeah, I also did a nitrous balloon, but I just spaced out a bit.
> Which is weird, because I did 7 mushrooms and Henry only did 5.

>> I'm sure we ate about the same amount, 7 each.

As I was sitting on the bed looking at the room, still seeing the pattern faintly, it occurred to me that there was something strange about the shadows: the blacklight in the ceiling, the computer screen and the streetlights were mixing up the shadows, and it looked like they were not falling on the walls, but rather stopping in mid-air, until the air was like a colorful liquid.

> I remember meeting Henry's flat mate. I was lent over the balcony
> spitting mucus into the courtyard below. He was doing something in
> his bedroom. I don't remember making eye contact with him, nor did
> we exchange words.

It was really cold outside, but Adam was getting restless, and he convinced me to go out. We got dressed and went for a ride on our bikes, Adam wanted to go to a hill in the neighborhood, but his sense of orientation was pretty messed up, and I didn't know which place he was talking about (though I later realized I had been there before), so we ended up driving up and down the bicycle lane of a really long street, separated from the main road by a line of trees. In my head I became half convinced that we were members of a sort of biker tribe, living on that endless road, something a bit like some of the scenes in 'Mad Max'.

> I just kept laughing.

After a while we decided that we can't find the hill, and Adam said we should drop by some friends of his, a couple who lived close by, to say hi. He led us to their house, and rang the bell. Instead of just saying hi, they invited us in for some tea, which was nice 'cos I was starting to feel the cold. We went in and sat around the kitchen table talking. I'm not sure we made much sense, but our hosts were enjoying the conversation as much as we did. The man (his name is Ivan) mentioned that he was actually on his way out when we arrived, and somebody was waiting for him and they were planning to go to a dance-club. He asked us if we wanted to come along, and we thought 'why not'.

> Yeah, that was cool. I was talking the whole time with Ivan's
> landlady. They knew we were on mushrooms, but thought it was
> funny.

So we got out, rode the metro to where Ivan's friend was waiting and from there to the club. On the metro Ivan kept messing with Adam's head, telling him all sorts of freaky stories, trying to make him freak out.

> Yeah, he kept telling me about this cult who drill a hole in their
> heads, just above their forhead. Apparently your brain expands
> slightly and you get high and have ESP or something.

When we got to the club, the bouncer almost wouldn't let me in saying that I wasn't properly dressed, but the others have already paid the admission, so he let me in with them.

> It's because Henry was wearing a knitted jumper and a pair of
> jeans which were tucked into a pair of ankle-high boots. If I was
> a bouncer, I wouldn't have let him in either.

>> Not jeans but black ski-pants - I never expected to end up in a club.

In the club was hot, crowded and smoky, lots of people dancing, and some standing on the sides trying really hard to look attractive. I danced for a while, really enjoyed it, but I was getting hot (I couldn't take off my turtlemeck, underneath I was wearing a T-shirt with a hemp leaf printed on the front:). After a while I made up my mind to leave, if I can't dance the place wasn't going to be much fun, so I took my stuff. Adam said he wanted to stay, dance and get drunk, but would come with me as far as the metro-station.

> Yeah, I drank cocktails. I think the right kind of alcohol is OK
> when you're on psychedelics. The nightclub was crap, I don't know
> why on earth we agreed to go there. But it was full of really sexy
> girls.

The trip was slowing down, but the afterglow was lingering on. We walked around, checking out a couple more clubs along the way, talking about stuff. I told him about the revelation I had from the nitrous. The message is not 'God loves You', it's 'God loves Me' - meaning that first I have to come to pece with myself, only then can I be truly altruistic, without selfishness ('I am nice to you because this makes me look like a nice person') coming into the picture.

> Henry grew this mushrooms himself from some kit. I think it's
> better if you pick them in the wild. These shrooms were just a
> body-high. And we didn't take enough.

>> Or maybe Adam is a hardhead. Next time I'll dose him with 5g of dried hawaiian P.Cub.;-D