Total darkness is not blindness. Blindness is when you can’t see anything, not even the black of nothing. A similar parallel can be drawn to ego loss, I think, where many things are ripped from your mind and you are forced into a simplified state of existence.
So in a sense I can never communicate to you what ego loss is. Only through experience can one understand it clearly.
Dose: 9 grams dried cubensis + 11 grams fresh cubensis
Strain: A mixture of B+ and Texan
Method of Ingestion: Mixed and well blended with orange juice
I was pretty nervous about taking a large dose like this. Previous trips were limited to about 3 grams dried. I usually planned these fairly well. I have yet to experience a bad trip.
As an added precaution I had a sitter present. I didn’t want to ram my head through a wall or anything stupid like that. I even placed notes around my apartment saying things like DON’T PANIC and STAY CALM.
When I felt I was ready, I split the mushroom orange juice into three parts and drank the first two. I then put my headphones on and started to watch an animated movie called "The Cat Returns".
At the half-hour point I began to notice the effects of the mushrooms kicking in. First I got the mushroom buzz, then other things like my bed and the walls took on strange perspectives. I was still able to watch the movie and understand what was going on.
After an hour had passed things became too distracting and I could no longer concentrate on the movie. When I tried to turn off the TV I could hardly understand what the buttons did anymore.
At this point I drank the last of the mushroom orange juice.
I then went to my computer where I had a Shpongle playlist and headphones ready. I just turned off the monitor and listened to the music. At this point I still knew who I was and had a fairly good understanding of the world.
I began to have very intense hallucinations.
When I looked at the black monitor screen I saw little specs of dust all over the screen. These seemed to be alive and moving, like tiny little creatures.
I started to look at my hands and the carpet, anything with fibers or hair. It was like I could see the fibers moving like they were alive, and there were interesting patterns coming out of the fabric.
Now this is when things started to change a bit. The last dose of mushrooms must have been kicking in about then, and for the first time I began to experience ego loss.
I literally became disconnected from the world and my existence was slowly torn away from me.
For example I knew I had a name, but other than that everything I’ve ever known was gone. I tried to remember other people, but I found this difficult and for a while I didn’t understand what the difference was between myself and someone else.
I began to realize how amazing it is to be alive, and that the universe was really just a distraction. I began to understand that the human mind is the final frontier, not space or science or anything like that.
In fact I was really just in absolute awe that I existed.
I was forced to exist in a simplified state where a lot of the ideas I used in everyday life were gone. In this state my thinking was very different because things like time, sight, sound and ideas like honesty and friendship were gone.
For what seemed like eternity I was just stuck on the floor. Time didn’t seem to pass at all. I tried to remember my previous life. I had a lot of difficulty understanding why I did the things I did.
But I wasn’t scared at all.
I think what I experienced is a lot like what death is. You are just slowly stripped away until you no longer have any idea of anything. It is really an amazing feeling.