beingness

- Forward- The following trip report represents a mystical experience that I experienced while I was under the influence of mushrooms on the third and last time I have tripped. I am currently in my mid-twenties and I am pursuing a professional degree. Whether the following events are real or not, I can not tell. I do not know if they represent a higher level of reality or a supreme state of delusion induced by a strong hallucinogenic substance. This is a very long trip-report, but you might find it worthwhile. I have labelled this trip report a level "5", however, the following experience defies labels. Any type of label such as "mystical experience", or "level5", or whatever is merely used to represent an almost indescribable subjective experience. I have also left some details out of the trip report to protect my privacy and the privacy of others. I hope you will enjoy reading this, and maybe it will help you on some future journey.



-Introduction 6/97- I decided to trip again, even though my last trip was horrible, and I thought I was going to die. On my last trip, I lost feeling in my arms and legs, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, and I lost my motor functions. I considered performing a tracheometry(sp) on myself to open my passageways. I had to vomit. I felt (and thought!) as though I suffering a sever allergic reaction to the muchrooms. The symptoms subsided after many excrutiating hours (it was really about 30 minutes), and I calmed down. A week later I decided to trip again. Was I stupid?



To avoid the sympotoms described above, I decided to split the contents of my 1/2 of an 1/8th oz. I took the first 1/2 at 11:30. I started seeing webbing, and colors were intensified. I was having fun playing frisbee with the 6-7 people I was tripping with. The frisbee was producing brilliant streaks of sound and color as it flew gracefully through the air. I began to see the charecteristic webbing hallucinations, and the ground breathed. I thought that these mushrooms were not bad or contaminated, so I ingested the other 1/2 at 1:30am. This when the tripped started to get fucked-up.



- destruction of body- 20 minutes later I felt nauseated, and i left the group to go to the bathroom. I went into the bathroom, and as I hung over the toilet in agony, I began to see the most detailed and interesting visuals. Even though I felt really sick, I was having fun staring into the toilet. I saw dragons and demons. I found this to be strange, because my hallucinations generally consited of people dancing. I then closed my eyes and I watched brilliant kaleidoscopes dance in my head. I began to sink into myself. At this point in my previous trips, I usually opened my eyes, because I found this sensation to be unsettling. I still had urinate, defecate, and expunge the toxins in my system. I felt very ill, but my hallucinations were amazing. I then made one of the most important decisions in my life. I decided that I would not leave my mind's eye. I decided that I would continue to focus on my CEV's regardless if I would shit, piss, or vomit on myself. A little later all of my feelings of sickness went away, and music entered my head. I do not possess any musical ability, but I heard symphonies in my mind, which kind of resembled 'Dead songs. Soon lyrics entered the symphony. "kill your body and free your mind". I began to enter a deep trance, and soon I did indeed kill my body. My body was no longer a factor, even though I perceived that it existed. My decision to let my body take care of itself, allowed me, unknowingly, to begin a long process - a long journey to my very being.



-destruction of mind- Between 5-7 distinct stages constituted my trance, and the trance lasted about three hours. When I woke-up I thought it was the next day. Each stage had distinct visions, music, and mantras. I can no longer describe the exact visions or mantras, because I have forgotten many of them. The stages each flowed into one another, and different mental tricks were used to proceed to the next stage. The following events did not happen under my conscious control. My only conscious act was letting go of conscious acts. Thus, the second stage involved me killing my mind. I gave-up control, and i became a passive detached observer of myself. I no longer cared what happenned to me, and I decided that I would remain in my trance even if I would wake-up in a mental institution the next day. This is how I killed my mind.



-death of ego- In the next stage my ego died. I experienced death. There is no other way to describe it. "I" became completely detatched from my observations. Please be aware that the terms "I" and "me" now assume new definitions, and that they are only used for descriptive purposes.



-Hell- I went to hell, and I saw my demons. These weren't entities. I think that They were metaphors for the barbaric and antiquidated drives of the ego which manifest themselves from our pre-historic reptilian brains. I am especially glad that nobody disturbed me at this point during my voyage, because at this stage I was evil. (Throughout the whole experience, I was sitting on the bathroom floor with my eyes shut chanting and gyrating. If somebody had saw me, I am sure they would have committed me to a mental institution.) I was stuck in Hell! The grasp of the demons on me grew stonger, the more I fought them(Remember, "I" is a label- i'ts only a descriptive term. The "I" that existed at this point was merely whatever what was left over after my mind and body died.This I is qualitatiely different that the "I" which is writing this poorly edited paper.) I wasn't really "fighting", and in fact I really didn't care that the demons were possessing me. I was just a passive detached observer. Soon, the worst demon manifested itself - Hitler, evil incarnate. But, I reacted in a strange way. I embraced him. I hugged Hitler. At this point my demons let go of me, because I embraced them. I loved them. I then proceeded to the next stage.





-the "me" stage- In the next stage, I affirmed my self and existence, much like the Nietzchean idea of the affirmation of the eternal recurrance. I began to love everything about myself. I loved my mind and my body. I loved my snot and my shit. I loved the fact that I worried too much. I embraced every aspect of myself. I embraced every aspect of existence. I embraced sewage and famine. War and disease. Butterflies and tigers. Everything. I was in love with everything including the person that was me. At this point the last traces of me died again. First my ego died, then whatever what was left-over died as well.



-nothing- The next stage was that of nothing. What's left when one dies? Nothing. I embraced nothingness. I became nothing. During my trance I was aware of my body, but those sensations gradually diminished. During the nothing stage, my body gradually sank until I became a dot on the floor. I no longer had any perceptions. Time and space dissapeared. I began to exist outsided of time and space. Soon, that dot that was me dissolved into nothingness....



-Beingness- ...be,be,be be,be,be.....

And everythingness! Nothingness is Everythingness. When one dies, nothing is left. But, nothing is everything. I dissolved into nothing and everything. I became the essence of being- beingness. I became one with my being, which is The being. The false separation which my ego created between me and the rest of the universe completelely melted away. I became the essence of everything. I became pure being. I was beingness. (This is simply an undescribable expererience) I realized that nothing mattered except for my being, and my being is beingness - the being of everything. This was nirvannaland! (without the permament enlightenment) I slowly began to re-emerge. While in nirvannaland, I became a fetus inside my mother's womb. Those were my visions.



-Rebirth- My ego died. Whatever was left over decided to create a new one. I became a fetus again. I don't know if these were repressed memories or hallucinations or both. Nirvanna dissolved away, and I began to re-live the first few months of my life as a fetus in complete bliss and love. I then re-lived my birth. I saw doctors pulling me out. The mantra changed to "open your eyes". I and I did. I felt as though I was opening my eyes for the first time. I opened my eyes, pissed, sat back down, and closed them again without any conscious control. I then relived my early years as a baby. Slowly, my ego reconstituted and re-programmed itself. I then opened my eyes for a second time. I stood up, and i began to walk around the bathroom,but I was still in a trance. I looked at my watch, and I began to leave the trance. It was about 7 in the morning. My trannce lasted for about 3 hours. I felt as though the trance had lasted for 12-24 hours. I felt completely relaxed and revitalized.



- re-integration- I then walked into my friend's room, sat down, and watched the sunrise. I began to reflect on the meaning of this event, second in importance only to my birth. I hope to post a brief analysis of the experience and its effects on my life during the past year in a second part to this trip report. It will also contain an important warning, which for the sake of brevity is "mushrooms are not a TOY! Treat them with respect or they will fuck you up! If you love them, they will love you in return."



If you have any questions or comments, my e-mail address is iambeingness@hotmail.com.



Good night, and please, please be responsible with any foreign substance. Everything has its price.



-Beingness