*keep in mind i havent done psychodelics in 5-6 yrs! after a very intense lsd trip i was left a shell of a person and for the last half of the decade i have been frantically searching for that resolution to my delimma. now onto the shroom report!!!!!!!
well it happened earlier yesterday, october 24. im gonna explain from point a to point b as much as i can in a way i hope most comprehend.
i felt the need to breakout of my ego-box for a while and i started this trip early in the day(afternoon). it was something i needed, so that i could understand what and why i feel and have felt the way i have for the last 5 years. i literally never imagined myself voyaging past my ego again....
3:40 pm two friends ( n & b ) and i head down to the japanese tea gardens(just a small park sorta thing) down here in town. i wasn't hesitant to ingest half of what i had (.5 g). after about 20 minutes of ingestion i could feel a nice relaxation in my body and mind and everything was chill. i felt a connection with my fellow peers and we chatted about the sky and what each of us were feeling (they both took 1 g). while there i sat in my meditative state and proceeded to try and get some meditation in while i was experiencing somewhat of a relaxing trip. after having enough of this place we head out to one of my friends house (n) for some food and whatnot. i now end up ingesting the rest of the g i had (.5 g) and that was around 4:10 pm.
4:30 pm we end up at my friends place and at the moment i was relaxed still in the same way as earlier. after about 15 minutes i begin to feel a bit anxious, cause for one i wanted to be one with nature and we were now stuck inside watching tv.... this was not my idea. anyhow my other friend (b) could sense my anxiety building up to what could have been a disaster. he asks, "you wann go out for a cigarette?". of course i jumped to the idea of going outside. i go out and my anxiety is still building up inside. i relise this and immediately wanna calm down, so i jump into the (b's) car and try and chill and reflect on what i have been reading and what i have been trying to learn. learning to cope with the ego and learning to release the ego. i sit in the car for a good 15 minutes going back and forth through my own thoughts trying to not necessarily answer them, but understand them. my eyes are now closed and for some reason i can barely open them, but from time to time. i witness blobs, geometry, colors, and such within my own mind. my hands and arms are dancing in their own patterns (resembeling the dances of ravers). i never had my arms and such do their own thing like that before and for some reason i didn't want to stop them. they felt natural and i felt that if i tried to control them i would lose, so i just kept going. thoughts a flowin where very intense and at times i could feel myself trying to grasp on to my ego like an ill prepared tripper. all i could do was try and understand and this is where everything started to get intense.
5:00 pm (maybe?) my friend (b) is driving me around trying to calm me down and wanting me to suggest where we shall go, but i had higher priorities at the moment. as i sit there with arms flying back in forth moving energy from one side of the car to the other i realise that letting go is the answer. i open and close my eyes from time to time while we drive around town not knowing where to go. i put to work the teachings of what i have learned in such books as "timothy leary - the psychedelic experience", "how to burn", and some others. it has now been about 10-15 minutes since taking off to drive. my friend decides to pull over in a parking lot to try and get me out and to get me to realise what is happening. i get out for a second, but back into the car i go. while in the car i sit there going back and forth reminding myself what is happening and what i shall do to help the situation on a more pleasant path. my friend is still there trying to help me, but at the same time he's asking the wrong questions "what is happening?" and "what is wrong?". i proceed to tell him "no"... why? because i knew he was asking the wrong things and those questions could make it worse. this i read in that tim leary book. i tell him "remind me what and where and who i am...remind me of my situation at hand and what is real". these are the questions i was asking myself, so i thought who better to ask than both my guide (b) and myself. he proceeds to do so with hesitation, cause he doesn't truly understand my favor. little did he know he was helping tremendously. with not only my head being somewhat straight and his questions being correctly asked, "poof" i come out of this cycle of thoughts and finally understand how to rid myself of that evil ego which surely would have loved to control the situation and worsen my condition.
5:20 pm (maybe? it was dark now so probably more like 6 something who knows) once the realization of ego-loss i begin to communicate with my surroundings and my understanding of my feelings, thoughts, and actions. my eyes are now permanently open and my hands tense in the shape of a ball. each molecule sensed within my body and mainly my hands. all senses alert and reading for channeling. why were my hands in a ball shape and tense? i was channeling energy all around and felt that i somehow channeled it into a invisible ball of which i could sculp to my pleasing. noticing this and realising it came a huge smile to my face. a grin ear to ear. my friend (b) surprised with eyes wide looks at me bewildered. he asks "what is this?" and i state "lifes one gift to me....energy". i proceed to tell him everything i have read and have been reading for sometime now. i tell him in few words how this is possible and how i can achieve this. i also tell him how everything is clear now and how i can interact with everything around not only physical but of minute thought. everything was now in grasp and everything was now so clear... i keep this ball moving back and forth with my tense, but most orgasmic (most joy not necessarily orgasim wise) feeling i have ever felt. this energy was so real and i could channel his too. i ask "free your hands and dance them around within my energy (the ball)". oh man oh man i could sense so much feeling and so much energy that of which was never imaginable to me once before. this was indeed the most exciting thing to this day i ever experienced. i break everything down to him about this energy and how i can manipulate it...as well i break down my existence and what is what (not saying it all made sense to you all, but it sure the hell made sense to me). he and i were in aw. he sat back and watched as i channeled this energy with my tense and now sweaty palms (not sweating anywhere else). it was so unreal, but so satisfying. i kept smiling and joyfully playing with these energies around me as if i had the run of a toy store for a good 30 minutes and all was up for grabs. my excitment was so pure and so real. this was indeed what i have been seeking for so long.
leaving the parking lot (not sure what time) reassured that this is only my mind and my own manifestations i now had the clear mind to understand and pick apart what has plagued me once before. we are now headed back to my friends (n) place. we go in and i still have this grin on my face and still waving my hands and arms around like a little raver would (how i used to get irritated with such a dance and now found comfort in this organic natural movements). i thought nothing could go wrong, but once again i found myself stuck inside, so i soon asked if we could head out (b and i) again. we do so and we are now headed to my friend's (b) house. the whole way there i can't stop spouting what i am witnessing and experiencing at the same time dancing with my arms and moving energy. we get to his house and i feel like im coming down, but i can't stop my arms, so i do what comes natural... i let them do their own thing. im still a bit worried about the indoors, so we go to meet another friend at star bucks (10 pm) and by that time im pretty much done with the dancing of my arms, but my fingers are still moving constantly in a dance. we chill for a long time while i explain this all to my friend we had met up with.
------------------------------------- alot of times and such are misjudged and alot of other stuff which was exciting was left out... i just can't remember what and how to phrase each thing i felt.
i am now here at my house and well you are probably reading this now, so before you ask anything let me clear it all up.
ingestion in total = only 1 gram (might not seem like alot to everyone, but after not resolving the past and not ingestion such foreign objects for the past 5-6 yrs can lead to harder more intense levels of sub-conciousness(?))
trip in total from 3:40 pm to somewhere around 10:30-11+ pm. parts more incomplete than others described and alot left out during durations of time.
i forgot to tell you all i smoked a joint when we headed to my friend's (n) place the first time. im sure that added to the intensity overall.
i also forgot to mention how i had to feel my friend's (b) heart pulse to recognise that i was not the only being in this sub-concious state of mind. i also forgot to mention the bond between each of us more so now than ever. i hold (b) to the status as a real brother and true guide. he helped me out when i need to release my ego the most.
theres so much i wish i could say in words that all you would comprehend, but the fact of the matter is words are just that words. you would have to experience the energy and such i did to understand what went on earlier yesterday.
in conclusion i now know i am in control of my mind and what happens to it as it decends into the void. i now know education is the #1 thing i owe to this experience, without it all i'd probably would have been lost. thank you dmt hyperspace for the tim leary book suggestion. those tibetan monks are very smart people and they in their doctrines have really taught me what it is to be without ego (ego-loss). the other books are useful as well, but i found that book especially useful in this experience and most likely in more to come with time.
i will be taking it slow still trying to get more resolution to my almost non-delimma ideals i once had/have.
this is what i remembe saying at some point in the intense portions of my voyage through energy. "there is no end and we all are bound to pass up the beginning and dwell on the end when in actuallity the end is just the beginning, so therefore we can't grasp the end, but merely grasp the present(beginning)". it might not sound like anything to any of you and you can decipher it as you would like... to me it makes perfect since,