"Bring it the $%^& On!" that phrase will never have the same meaning to me again. As it encompasses the meaning of my trip. For the past three weeks I have been trying to figure out what my trip meant, if I am crazy (I have no underlying pathology that I know of)and if any of it was real.
It was 8:00 in the morning and my husband and I took shrooms in tea (about seven dried shrooms each). After a night of enjoying eachothers company on E, we though we would welcome in the morning with a trip. We occasionally trip for enlightenment and fun. This was my fourth or fifth time tripping.
We were in the Jacuzzi in my peaceful backyard enjoying the colors becoming vibrant and the sky painting its picture for us when I started the stare at the Buddha in my flower garden. At first he was smiling, then he stuck his tongue out at me, then his teeth started chattering and his teeth became that of a shark, with many rows upon rows of sharp edged teeth-chattering constantly. I became nervous, "oh no, Buddha is mad at me." The trees behind him started to turn a dark color and dark hues began to fly over the sky.
I looked at my house which was bent in the middle and the roof started to fall off to the side. It looked like it was crumbling. There were cords all over the ground of the yard. they twisted and turned like live snakes. I looked at my husband who was transparent, his heart was visable and his muscles shown through the skin. He had holes, like in the the Matrix(when Neo came out of his cocoon) and as I got out of the Jacuzzi the cords followed me whipping their ends by my feet. Once inside the house it all beacme worse-if you can imagine that. I sat on the stairs which were like fuzzy marshmellows with dark hues. "I took too much" is all I could think off. "This is my price I pay." I thought.
I began to not be able to move. I couldn't talk, I tried to tell my husband what was happening but nothing came out but mumbles-now it gets weird. I went into another dimension (or so I think?) and my soul was all I was. I was being attacked and consumes by cords with chattering teeth at the ends of them. they wrapped around my soul, which was my heart, as it was the only thing I could feel or hear. My heart beating. It was the sum of my exsistence.
Evil was attcking me-a familiar evil force. The one that I had nightmares about and used to think lived under the bed when I was little. it was the terrifying evil presence that makes you keep your eyes open at night after a bad dream. It was confronting me.
At the same time I know that I had to fight for my soul. It was the only thing I could do- mentally fight it. Then, God was close. I knew if I could prove all the good things I have done in my life the evil would leave. I had to prove to God that I deserved my soul. Then I had these images.
I was standing over fire with a sea shell in my hand and I was going to sacrafice myself. I felt determined and scared at the same time. Then the fear left I knew this was my destiny. I cut into my left chest knowing that my heart would be carved out. That is all I saw. I knew it had taken place during the Mayan civilization. I remeber this feeling as if it was me going to the bathroom last night. I remeber the fear and anticipation of the pain I would feel.
My next vision was a guilitine (spelled right?)I felt hands all over my body as they lifted me onto a slanted wooden table and pushed me down under the sharp blade. I closed my eyes, opened them breifly to see the metal fall. That is it. The image burned my retna's like bright light.
I argued for my soul without speaking. I presented images of me in my current life as a middle school teacher- a freind who helpes people, who mentors a child, and doesn't cheat. I appologized out loud for everything I have ever done wrong, I felt this nagging feeling like I had done somehting wrond in a past life and needed to make it right again. I cried. My hiusband says i started mumbling about this appology out loud but I do not remeber all the details of it. "I am ****** (and said my name) I want ***'s heart back." God gave me my life back. Suddenly pink hues filled my vision and I knew I was in my living room again. I could live. I cried saying, " I have earned the right to this heart, my soul is mine." I felt loved, I felt balanced, I was invincable. If I could sacrifice myself and not fear death-I could do anything.
My husband knew I was seeing something prolific and let me go without interferring. I then thought that the evilness needed to be confronted again. i wanted to kill it. "Bring it the &*(^ on!" I screamed over and over while running thorugh the house looking for it. I turned over the bed sheets, the closets, the couch. "Where is it?" I kept yelling. I ran into the front yard and screamed,"Bring it on!" thinking that it was outside. My husband quickly brought me back into the house and locked all the doors and brought my upstairs.
I reflect back on the feeling of knowing that good and evil were battling at that very moment. I thought that life was going to end on this plant soon and that I was the daughter of God and I would die soon as well. Time had no meaning. Pink filled the room when I felt love and fire embers filled the corners of the room when I felt the darkness. I touched past lives ( I thought) saw visions of my past and the end of the world. I saw that when God takes over the world there will be pink everywhere with a wooden gate and a new beginning behind it. "There is no more Saddam Husan, Bin-Ladden, no more lies...." I kept saying. It was CRAZY!
I have not been the same sence. I keep thinking back to the images, the memories, colors, and intensity of it. It felt so real. i am not religious-in fact I used to be an athiest about five years ago when I became egnostic after studying Buddhism and Toaism.I have never even liked the Christian religion, and yet, it wsa the undertome of my whole mushroom trip. I believe there is a God now, there is something more powerful than I. After that trip I know it. I also have no desire to do anything dishonest ever again. I feel I will contront all of it at another date in time.Sence then I even decided not to get out of jury duty becuase it woudl be dishonet- I feel a renewed sence of consiusness, integrity, and motivation.
I have decided to not do mushrooms again. I am fearfull I will see that shit again and it will either make me crazy or be worse than the last time without the good outcome of seeing pink, feeling love, beating the evilness, and getting my soul back. Any thought on this trip? I welcome them:)