Its a year since i took shrooms, but everyday since then the horror i experienced has stayed with me.
My trip has left me with an illogical fear of dying, i fear that death will be like a trip, in that my mind will be suspended in a land where i have no control of my emotions and exist totally alone, to deal with every insane paranoid thought that enters my head. But with death there is no return, the effects do not wear off like shrooms once the effects of the drug have subsided. it is eternity !
Drugs for me have always been this exciting thing that i had to do, the usual thoughts of any adventurous young person, i always thought that they would be good, what could go wrong!!
But one is never prepared for the psychological torment of a bad trip, my boyfriend had picked at least 250 mushrooms that day....
obviously way too many for 2 people, so two more friends joined in, having finished my cup of mushroom tea, i sat on the couch, i had been half way through the cup, when i got kind of scared and thought maybe that i should only drink that much, as a friend of ours had had a bad trip and this had scared me a little. but foolishly i decided to take it all.
half an hour later my boyfriend was dancing around all excited laughing at towels, but he was not telling me about his funny experiences,he was telling the others. obviously i got jealous and dragged him upstairs so that we could have our first trip together.
upstairs , i was lying on the bed and was convinced that i was very happy as my boyfriend was so happy and amazed at everything, i was having intense visuals, my hands were growing longer and smaller, i could see the blood runnning though them, my boyfriend was growing and pulsating, everything echoed, patterns, a real Alice in wonderland...
however, i was convinced that i must be so happy, but i had this pain in my chest...
i began to realise that happiness didn't feel so good..
i had been telling myself that this feeling of intense anxiety and fear was happiness. this was when my emotions got all screwed up, i realised that i wasn't having a good time but a terribly bad time and that i was unbelievably scared and wanted to go back to reality right now!!
but where had reality gone! the world would go back to normal for a second and then would disappear...
i needed it now!!!
i was literally gone insane, even death would not get me out of this trip,,, nothing would, this was what life would be like forever... this was what life was really like... i realised that there was no love ... i looked at my boyfriend, i couldn't feel that sense of extreme love that i usually felt... oh my god i didn't love him.. my family, i couldn't feel for them either, there was no comfort anywhere,... this was an awful world and i was stuck here forever... forever terrified..
i never felt such fear in my life and anyone who has had a bad trip knows what i mean!!!
i looked and my boyfriend and two friends and realised that they knew that i was messed up forever.. i would be sent to a mental hospital... they knew that noone ever returns to normal after a bad trip , they looked at me with pity and worry and told me i was ok.
but i knew that they were lying , trying to console me for the fact that i was gone insane and had ruined my life because of a drug.....
eventually after what seemed like an eternity the world went back to normal, that is the visual world.. but to me i was still in the mushroom world.. the insanity of the trip stayed with me for 24 hours afterwards.. until i actually realised that i was really back to normal and that things would be okay....... but are they?