Confusion!!

I've often had weird thoughts about reality, time, the universe, consciousness, life in general. Although these thoughts often intrigue me, they always seem to land me nowhere as far as an answer goes....

Only confused.

Looking for answers, I took up reading physics and math books. They explain a lot, and give insight as to where these answers may be found. They seem to dry up some of that confusion, and make a lot of since.

I have also read trip reports, for some reason, these reports bear STRIKING resemblence to science books. So I figured I'd try some shrooms to learn a thing or two about myself and this reality we call the universe. Boy was I in for a ride!

I read a lot about shrooms and acid, so I pretty well knew what I was doing as far as dosage and setting.

All I did was plan to trip in my room, at a time when my family couldn't bother me. I ate shroom after shroom of the little gold cap Psilocybe cubensis .

One mistake I made was to have expectations. I thought that I'd go chill in a cartoon world and chat with little elves about the meaning of life..
WRONG!

After about fourty five minutes I started to see the floor ripple and the walls breathe. Typical trip I thought. It was great, and I laughed hystericaly. I looked in a mirror, and I saw this green face with a dumb lookin' smile stare back as his cheeks drooped as if melting. This is so cool I thought, and it was fun.

Well the onset was cool but something weird started to happen. All I could think about was "when the cartoon world" when all of the sudden I had this weird sensation of wanting to cry. Then it hit me why I felt that way. I started to think, what if my mother gets hurt tonight in some accident and here I am trippin'. This wasn't a normal thought, however. I've never thought of my mom getting hurt for no reason. The feelings of guilt and pannick where overwhelming. Then all of the sudden, BAM I'm happy again, thinking wow, shrooms are so cool. Then I felt sad, then happy, then sad, then scared, then mad, then happy, then confused. All these emotions came from nowhere at once, changing at a rapid pace. Everytime I reminded myself that, "that's just the shrooms talking" it only made me think, "wow how weird" and then repeat that emotional loop again. The whole time the walls are going crazy, breathing as if they just got done running a mile. By now, an hour and fifteen minutes into the trip, the floor had turned to an all-out red carpet pond and somebody through a rock in it. The colors in my room became extremely defined and bright. My emotions had settled down now, except for one irritating emotion of how me and my best friend had got in a fight earlier and I kept thinking, "fuck that bitch", and then, "what am I thinking that's my best friend!" over and over.

It seemed that later time had slowed to a gradual halt. My clock had stopped ticking years ago and I only now realized it. Then I had weird thoughts of what is now? Is now, now? or when I think now, that moment has already passed, therefore, now only exists one milisecond in the future. What is a milisecond when time stopped? What world am I in, this ain't no cartoon. This is scary I thought, and how can I ever "wake-up" when trips last a while and time has ceased to exist? What is a "while" anyway? Eistein said that ime is relative to the beholder. What is my reference frame on shrooms? This isn't scary, this is fun. Wait a minute, why all these contradictery emotions, and why at the same time? Is that possible? what is possible? Is the universe possible? Not hardly. Billions and billions of stars orbit a common center for seemingly forever. I exist on a small dirt speck forever falling around one of these eternal explosions we call stars. What is the point? Is this a nightmare? what if nightmares are real and we always seem to save ourself in the nick of time, returning to this dream state most people call normal life. What if I exist in a spiritual world that is of no resemblance to this world and I took a drug that put me here, in a state of mind on "Earth" which I call life and reality. Shrooms where simply an antedote that doesn't last forever. The galaxies are brilliant with light, wow what a trip, but my whole life is just an acid trip based in the REAL spirit world and shrooms woke me up. This can't be but it is!

I relaized that the whole time I thought about this, I was at the place I was thinking about. Without myself....whoever that is. I was in a spirit's "body". Kinda hard to explain. All the intense colors where beautiful. I saw the entire universe at once, and realized it only appears big but is actualy inside my head. I'm the biggest thing there is. What exist outside the biggest thing? the universe for some paradoxical reason. Why all the rampid contradictions. What is size? Am I very big, or is an atom very small? Size is relative to....Not in the laws of gravity, which apply to every mass equally. So were i a atom's flea, gravity wouldn't be the same even if the proportions where that of me and the earth. Does that make my size special in this universe? This was a weird trip, but satisfying now that I think about it.

These thoughts plagued my mind for a seeming eternity.
No answers, just questions, and NO DAMN ELVES...

Now I am even more confused...

But I do know that I love shrooms, and to next time get a babysitter. My room is a wreck, I don't remember how that part happened. It was scary, yet fun. I can't do justice with words to the feelings I had.