Dying isn't so bad

Two nights ago I decided to try my first high dose solo trip. I had been preparing for the trip for about a month and although nervous, I was also very excited to see the true power the mushroom is capable of. I waited until it was dark and mixed 4 gms of powdered shrooms with OJ and drank it. About 1/2 hour later the real effects began to settle in so I went to my trip room and dimmed the lights. I got comfortable on the floor and waited for the effects to continue to build. Usually with the same batch of shrooms I take about 2 to 2.5 gms and get a solid level 3 trip. I was feeling about the same and thought "maybe I should take another gram". I wanted to really see what a level 4-5 was like so I decided to boost. I drank another mixture with 1 gm and went back to my trip room. As is always seemingly the case, as soon as I took the booster dose the initial dose seemed to grab hold of me with a vengeance. I the entire room started shaking, sinking, morphing into different forms. My vision was so incredibly crisp and clear. Everything took on a sharpness and brightness. This was at about the 45 minute point. I was happy that it was finally getting stronger. Well, at this point I decided to close my eyes and see some real visuals. Nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen. I've read many trip reports that describe dying and having your body disintegrate. Words cannot describe adequately what this feels like but I'll try. The initial descent to death began when I stopped being able to feel my body. My arms, legs, stomach torso slowly disappeared. I've never felt such peace or complete bliss in my life. I was everywhere all at once. I was the universe. I realized that "I" was dead. It felt great! I was so relaxed. Then I started to see faces swirling around in a cloud. The faces were translucent but recognizable. They were other dead people. It wasn't scary, or bad, but fascinating. My fiancee's mother died about 6 months ago and it was very hard on both of us. She was young (53) and the death was unexpected. One of the faces that I saw was hers. I spoke to her and started to cry. She told me to be happy because she was at peace now and to tell her daughter (my fiancee) to be happy for her and Instead of missing her to realize that we'll all be together someday. I wanted so badly for my fiancee to see her mother just one more time, but I realized this wasn't possible. I was crying because it didn't seem right that I was able to have a conversation with her when there is nothing in this world that would mean more to my fiancee than to see her mom just once more. Somehow after a short time, she faded. I opened my eyes and got up. I was never as scared at any point in my life as I was at this moment. I was still dead and I didn't know how to come back. I honestly believed that I couldn't come back, and if I did and shared this experience with anyone they would think I was crazy. Hell, I thought I was crazy. I tried everything to get my reality back. I splashed cold water on my face, took a shower, went outside and looked at the stars, and eventually gave up. I wanted to die at this point. It had been so much easier just a short while ago when I was dead. I didn't even remember my own name and was standing in my own driveway asking myself "where am I". It is so much easier to die than to come back. I guess it was the tremendous shock of what I had just gone through. While beautiful and blissful, and more enlightening than anything I've ever experienced, it was also something I was in no way prepared for. I debated whether to call the police or a friend, and luckily I remembered my golden rule, "never call the police". I called a friend who has been through a bad trip before and he came over. I'll never be able to repay him for what he did for me. He stayed on the phone with me the whole drive to my house. When he got there and I heard the doorbell ring I was afraid to let him in, but eventually I did. He reminded me that I am real, alive and have so much to live for. In about a half hour I began to realize how extremely lucky I was to have gained so much knowledge in one evening. People ask themselves questions about death and centuries of wars have been fought by religious groups about what it means. That's all bullshit, and until you've died there's no way to preach any religion to anyone without being a liar. I learned something so important that night, and even though it was the scariest experience in my life I wouldn't change it for anything.