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1st trip good & bad
Background: I'm a 30 year old european computergeek.
Background: I'm a 30 year old european computergeek. I'm scientific, logical, rational. I'm an atheist. I don't do ANY drugs. I've never even tasted coffee (no I'm not kidding). This trip I'm going to describe was my first and so far only experience.
I bought dried shrooms from a shop in Amsterdam. Being the scientific minded person I am, I decided to educate myself. I surfed the web, read faq's and trip reports (a lot of 'em!), and I'm VERY glad I did!
I've often since the trip considered how to describe this kind of experience to someone who has not tried it, but there really is no way. When I first read trip reports, I thought to myself "aha, ok, I can imagine that.. and I can deal with it...".. but I really had NO IDEA ! How could I ? You've had a lifetime to get used to the way your brain functions... and just like that... everything works in a completely different way... how can you imagine what it's like ? When the well known laws of nature, physics, life and time gets turned upside down...
Now I'm reading those trip reports again, and I'm sitting here, nodding, smiling, saying "yes, yes" to myself. NOW I know where you're coming from... I know the feeling, I'm with you... NOW I get it...
Anyway... to the report...
It was me, my friend W and his girlfriend S, in my apartment. We put the dried shrooms in juice, tried to mix it (unsuccessfully), then gulped it down. We were all excited and giddy.
WinAmp had a 6 hour long mp3 playlist loaded. My stereo was recording. We had 6h of audio cassette tapes ready. We had pen & paper for writing, as well as the computer. When we made notes we also noted the time, and who wrote what. After, I carefully listened to the tapes, writing down every word I could make out.
Thus, I have a very long and detailed trip report. You will here get the very SHORT version. I have left out stuff, it may seem incoherent.. but never mind that... it was...
We relaxed, I laid down on the floor. We were joking and laughing, waiting... It started with a tingle in my body, and I noticed that the wave pattern in the roof started to move. (Now, as I write this, I look at the roof, and there is no pattern AT ALL, it's just.. white).
I have an atlas globe with a lightbulb inside it. It started to pulse. The blue in the ocean got several different layers, and the water was moving, parallax scrolling (computer game term).
The metal legs of my chair went liquid, like the body of T1000 in Terminator 2, also moving, swirling. I was holding a balloon, and the white painted spots in it became small fish, swimming inside the balloon. All very faschinating! Everything was very funny, we laughed at everything, and at nothing.
We hunted sensations, trying things, tasting, feeling, watching. We noted down everything.
My arms felt long and disconnected from my body as I typed on the keyboard.
We laughed at each others big eye pupils.
We quickly learned that the music controlled our moods.
"Deep Forest" worked great. Light, exotic music, with bird sounds etc. I was lying in a warm, soft, green rainforest with butterflies flying all around.. just feeling... great!! The music flowed through my body in waves. I WAS the music.
The african vocals (swahili?) was beautiful. I tried to understand, but I couldn't. But I know there was a hidden meaning there.. just for me.. but I missed it! WHY??
Why can't I understand this language? It's just words, made up by other humans like myself!
The room, my furniture, my friends kind of faded away. It was still there, but blurry, and wavy, and it really didn't matter anyway.
When the music changed into some kind of hard industrial techno, it all changed. Everything became SHARP. Corners, lines, sharp. Grey. Heavy. Dooooom came down. My apartment was shrinking. My friend's haircut changed, he looked like a nazi. And he looked angry. I asked them to change the music and they did.
It worried me that it all depended on the music. It turned into a hunt for "good" music. Avoid "bad" music. Change, change, change, quickly. Elvis Presley - Love me tender, haha that can't be bad, can it? "Love me tender, love me so, never let me go...." never let me go never let me go go die go die die die oops.. Change, change... 8-)
Damn it. I'm supposed to be able to control it.
Every song was the BEST song I've heard in my life! When they ended, I became very sad. But then another song started, and I realised how incredibly great it was!!
I realised other things. I learnt some astounding secrets about something (don't remember what). I whispered them to my best friend the stereo (actually I whispered to the speakers, not the mic, too bad eh? :-)). I lost the ability, and.. motivation.. to finish sentences, and thoughts.
Someone turned on the TV. It was the news. We all SNAPPED back to reality. We're just NORMAL people watching the news, a completely normal activity on a NORMAL day. We nodded to each other. Yes, we're back, the trip is over. We're sober again. Sure. It was not even half-time. 10 secs later I drifted back into myself.
W says that we're telepathic. We can feel each other's minds. I didn't realise it before, but yes, it's true. And there's no evil in my friend.
Where is S? Where did she go? Hmm... maybe she thought she could fly, and jumped out the window? (I live high up). That's what people on drugs do. Oh my god, that IS what happened, isn't it ?
I look at W. He's smiling. He knows. He's trying not to upset me. Yes. It doesn't matter NOW anyway. Tomorrow there will be problems. It will probably change our lives in MAJOR ways. But when is tomorrow? Every normal second is an eternity here. I will be here FOREVER. When/If I return, my body will be young, but my mind will belong to the oldest man in the universe. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Is ANYTHING real? What/who can I trust ? If I can't trust myself, my own senses, I clearly can trust Nothing.
This business with S lying dead 15 meters below worried me though. Now I wanted to return to reality, so I could verify if she truly was dead. Game's over. Let's clean up this mess. But I just couldn't return... I spent a couple of eternities trying to return to reality. It was pretty traumatic. And W says "she's ok, she's sleeping in the other room, relax buddy". Of course he would say that, he doesn't want me to freak out. And I'm cool. On the outside. Inside I'm screaming HELP HELP.. but there's no problem. Really. Everything is good. Good. I'm doodling happy faces on the paper. Smile. Don't Panic.
I draw a happy smiling bunny. But his eyes are dark and EVIL. His teeth are sharp. Why's he looking at me? Quickly, turn the page. I draw a duck. The duck says "Quack! I am a duck!". But it has evil eyes too.
Change the music, change the music, enough already, when will it STOP ???
I write on the paper: "I didn't know the music mattered so much!"
I find S's stuffed animal. I try to throw it through the wall into the other room but it just bounces, what's up with that wall? I should have power over that stupid wall! I try to send signals to W, "go check, is she there?", without worrying him, without telling him that she's dead. I don't want him to freak out. The pencil I'm holding is a "Staedtler" pencil. I write: "Staedtler". I spelled it right. So I'm back, I'm real. Or I would've misspelled it. I spit and drool on the paper.
Then I went deeper. I lost myself completely. There was no "I". "I" became completely objective. "I" knew so much, and "I" had known so little. So many people walk around, thinking they know stuff, and they know so little, when there is an enormous amount of knowledge out HERE. Time passed backwards. Time stood still, it flowed in different directions. There is no time. Everything will be undone. And done again. I lived my life to old age. Again and again. Different lives, an infinite number of dimensions, and I lived all those lives. Such a long time. I'm not supposed to know this. I'm not supposed to experience this. After forever, maybe I'll return, or maybe I'll be unborn, and I will be insane. It doesn't matter. Am "I" in outer space? I guess. Knowledge is streaming into me. From all the galaxies, all the worlds. Of course I know the "meaning of life".. please! it's sooo simple, so clear! But why bother? Who to tell? I laugh. (Why should I tell anyone? To impress them? To become known as the smartest man in the world? I could! Haha! But why? IT... DOESN'T... MATTER !!).
I have to stop time from flowing backwards though, or the universe will go back into Big Bang and cease to exist. I will be to blame for the destruction of the universe. I keep that thought for half a second. Then it doesn't matter anymore. Hah, let them have it! Who am I? Was there ever an "I"? Why? So many strange thoughts... Space. I have to go back to Earth, before I return to reality, or I will suffocate in the vacuum of Space. Black. Blank. I am gone forever. The mind can not locate the right body, it's not trained to do it. Hey, there is a floor, my body was on a floor, in some reality. Black again.
Much later I kind of return... sitting in my sofa, clutching my stuffed animal. My friend tells me I've been gone for a long time. He has been worried. I was SOOOO weird. Scared him. Everything is ok now, he tells me. 15 minutes later I get up, try to walk. It works. I have body control again. I go check on S. She's sleeping. Thank god. I'm happy. All the bad feelings are gone. Was that crazy or what? Damn, buddy, do we have stuff to talk about or what!!
W says he wasn't really affected at all, just a 1 maybe. But he's 260 pounds. Guess he needs a bigger dose. He wants to know what I experienced. Right... let me see.... heh?
This was my story. Short and incoherent, heh. Now, a couple of years later, I'm thinking about trying it again. I long for the good stuff... the music flowing through me... it was just SOOOOOO DAMN GOOOOOOOD !!! I think I can avoid much of the bad parts, as I now have a better grasp of what to expect... and what is real and what's not. (MOST of it WAS actually real, I just didn't allow myself to trust my senses enough). Also I will have a better guide.
The bad experience (believing S was dead) didn't affect me afterwards, not at all. After the 6 hours, I was 100% ok. And happy! And no hangover!! 8-)
BTW, I just bought and watche Alice in Wonderland on DVD.. Hehe, that Lewis Carroll was truly a shroomer! Greetings to you all! Take care ! Please send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org !