1. I have submitted other shroom reports about experiences, and even written here while under the influence of mushrooms. In this report/informational I will attempt at not so much explaining a specific trip (although many of such exist) but rather explaining how to deal with them, and what to take from them.
I am writing this report/document now, on the website, and never previously wrote it. Under that note, I would like to make others aware that in the future I would like to revise much of what I intend on writing, and hopefully go further with it, but I can share as much as possible now, before I go find a publisher :)
The topic of this will be ego death.
The outline of this report will hopefully be the following:
1. Introduction at the beginning
2. Why I wrote this report for others
3. What is the ego?
4. What is ego death?
5. Negative effects of ego-death
6. Positive effects of ego-death
7. How to move forward and evolve
I have noticed with my readings and studies of mushrooms over the many years that one of the most significant and confusing issues regarding mental exploration is the death of the ego. Let me first say that for those of you that seek ego-death, mushrooms are not the only way this can be accomplished, but are certainly a way of speeding up the process for some. But like many other things, mushrooms are a tool, and no less a tool then your own mind, meditation, focus and the many other wonderful practices humans can use to learn. Ego death can be extremely confusing and have positive and negative effects if not sorted out properly. I truly hope this will aid you in working out those issues and evolving who you are.
Ego is the person that is surrounded by personality and the person who serves themself. It is the fascination with "I, Me, Myself". Ego is what sometimes makes it difficult for people to see things clearly, and see beyond their own interests and pleasures. Ego is what holds many people back from being the best people they can be, because they have trouble observing themself and analyzing their own ego. In our lives, all the pain which we push inward and all of the confusions and problems which we refuse to sort out because they are too much, these are all parts of our ego. They form us into who we are in our every day lives. People who pretend to be people they are not, or live their life to please the expectations of others are living a life of their ego. The ego is not easily explained, but in most cases one of its most significant attributes is security. The human mind in most cases needs security for its feelings, otherwise it feels lost. When it feels hurt, sometimes the ego forces the pain deep within, so the person feels secure with themself. Unfortunately over time, and usually unforseen, this leads to things like depression and disliking of oneself. Most people don't learn about the ego, until it has been truly built around themselves, and once that has happened, the ego is sometimes so strong that it refuses the "real you" to even make the effort to changing. It could be the part of you that says, "This guy doesn't know what he's talking about, or thats not possible, or thats a bunch of hippie garbage... Its the part of you that will rationalize the pain you make others feel and not let you grow from it. Its the part of you that will hold on stronger then anything else. But, in my opinion one of the worst problems of the ego is that it will not allow you to experience the real beauty in the world, loving every moment of it in the best way possible, and truly letting you feel things in a special unexplainable way. The ego likes to have a reason, or an explanation, and for many of you who know, some things have no human explanations but are beyond us.
Well: I could continue talking, but I really would like to get to the main topic of this report, "Ego Death"
3. Ego Death: What exactly is ego death? This could be debated until the end of time, and usually the confusion will come when people who have truly not experienced it argue with those who have. And in many ways, each individual experiences things differently, hence although we both experience loss of ego, that person who we lost was different. But.. lets explain what ego-death is at the least:
Ego death is the absence of who you have built yourself to be. It is the splitting of the mind when it first begins to happen, and the ability to truly LOOK at who you normally are, without rationalizing your flaws which you might normally do. It can be one of the most beautiful experiences in your life, but even more, if understood and dealt with properly, it can be more then just a single experience, but a way of life. But furthermore, it will draw out extreme hurt and pain because you will have uncovered a mask that the "real you" normally wears, and is so comfortable in wearing. It strips away your security of who you are, and it will be very clear to you that there are some serious issues with who you are that need to be dealt with. It is the feeling that you are speaking with your own mind, or watching the person you usually are on a movie screen, and a person with the opinion of only wanting the best in this world sits watching. But.. Let me make this very clear: There are very REAL positive and negative effects of ego death. These effects are the reason I am writing this report.
5. Negative effects of Ego Death
It can be very confusing. It can cause a person who lacks balance in their life, or someone who is already very emotionally unstable to see the pain too quickly, and experience feelings which they are not yet ready to deal with in such volume.
It will unmask your securities, and unlock doors in your mind that hold back your fears from surfacing.
It will show you a different person, because you will be truly stepping out of your usual shoes and looking at the person who usually stands in them. This can be scary and for some who are so-tied to their ego for protection, insanely mind-shattering (overload).
It can make you disgusted or sick with the way you act. It can make you feel so awkward about who you are, that you don't feel as if you can continue living the way you are.
It can do many things psychologically, and change your thought patterns towards a very negative and volatile state.
Positive Effects of Ego Death:
You can feel extreme feelings in volume, and if prepared for this, it can be a euphoria of beauty, and a feeling that every moment in time can be wonderful.
It will unlock doors deep within, and allow you to get constructive criticizm that is of the most real honesty. You will see parts of you that you will want to change, and can be extremely happy to realize these things, knowing that you can make yourself a better person.
It will open up emotions that you usually are unable to feel, and allow you to touch yourself towards ideas and wants that usually the ego holds you back from. It can make you want to be a better person, and give you ideas of how you can accomplish that.
It will change the way you look at the world, maybe only temporarily, and it will undeniably break away a small part of the ego from who you will be when you return from this state. This will happen because people who have an ego which they have made COMPLETELY who they are, in the way that they are unchanging will not be able to experience ego-death in its wholeness. Their ego is attached to strongly, and they will need to experience much change in their life, before that can be achieved (to my knowledge and observations.)
It will remind you of feelings you once forgot, and show you feelings you have never felt before. This can be anything though, as each of us forgets different things, although all equally important. Some of us forget how to love, or begin beliving that such a thing is not possible because of the pain/hurt we have pushed within.. Ego death is one of those mind openers, and reminders.
----- All of these explanations are important, but most importantly is not what you experience while you sit in the seat of ego-death, but HOW you change yourself with what you see.
7. How to move forward and evolve from ego death:
I have experienced ego-death before, and with a good amount of experience with psychadellics and mental exploration (and with much more to come) I will be the first to say that you don't usually recognize it at first. I would not be surprised if many shroomers/psychonauts experience ego-death and don't realize it.
Dealing with ego death is a tricky situation, and I am not psychologist, but none the less an avid reader and a lover for mental expansion. I will not give you advice that I feel can cause you problems as an individual or that could reflect poorly on your life. Take what you want from this and make your own decissions, much will be learned on your own, and only so much can be explained without experience.
When first feeling ego-death try to recognize it. I know this sounds like an oxy-moron, but lets just say, each time you are tripping, focus on who is talking. When you truly do feel ego-death though, you will know something has changed, or that you feel completely different then you usually do, beyond the usual trip feelings. It will be more of a mental observation, and you might notice yourself feeling like your mind is in a different place then you are. I remember asking myself several times, "Who are you?" towards the person who I usually am. When Ego-Death happens, the ego loses its control, and the real person, who has been burried all these years breaks free for just a temporary time to look around, and absorb as much as possible.
What you need to do to gain from this is to try and learn as much as you can, but remember that you will not be absent of an ego when this fades away. For that very reason, you will want to do all that you can to experience that absence of the ego again if the "experience was positive." Remember, that the changes you saw in yourself under ego-death are changes which you do not need mushrooms to experience with, but that mushrooms can be used to help speed-up the process. You want your goal to be able to be experiencing every moment of your life in that beauty and harmony without the necessity of drugs to see it. This is why you want to focus your goals on growing and using that glimpse of being ego-less as a goal in your mental exploration.
The death of the ego will unravel a lot of feelings which you may be confused of how to deal with once you regain your ego. Keep in mind, that you need to take things one step at a time, as not everyone around you has had a glimpse of that enlightenment. You need to be as caring for others needs to grow, as your own, and make sure that you yourself have a solid foundation before you try and step out and solve problems that are going to hurt your growth and others.
Not everything you feel while under the experience of ego death is understood, and a lot of it may make you feel very unhappy. You need to keep in mind that you are able to change and grow, no matter what the odds, and you must have a passion for wanting the best if you truly want to achieve it.
Important: Write down as much about the way you feel while you are experiencing it as possible. What a better chance to get someone elses perspective, especially when that someone else is you.
-------- 8. Conclusion ----------
There are many steps which you can take, and everyone will take a certain path. Remember not to let anything overwhelm you, or make you feel so horrible with yourself. You are a person who wants to grow and evolve, otherwise you wouldn't have spent the time reading what I had to say, but instead felt as if you already knew all the answers.
Interestingly enough, I don't know all the answers, and that is something I am aware I will never know. But I have a passion for learning and sharing what I learn, so that those people can share what they learn, and hopefully one day it will be a perfect cycle of thought. Until then, we can all at least focus on change in our own little corner of the world.
I hope that this provided some help/ideas for those of you who have experienced ego-death or that want to in the future. If you have any questions/comments or things you want to share/add/teach please feel free to email me at -->
firstname.lastname@example.org <-- as I would be happy to hear from you.