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Bad, sad and alone


Alright. So here is a bit of background info. I had used shrooms before, but everytime before this was a great experience. Laughing, walking around, having a great time. I would rate all of my previous experiences as pretty much a standard level 3 experience maybe verging on level 4 sometimes.

So, the previous two weeks in a row I had used MDMA with a friend of mine- guy friend of mine. I didn't know him very well when we rolled together, but I liked him- more accurately had a crush on him. I decided that since he had never used shrooms, it was time for him to try them.

So we sat down and ate some of my home grown shrooms, which I had not tried yet. We both ate over half of an 1/8- sorry, don't remember the number of grams in an eight! Anyway, so we had to get them down somehow, and this has always been difficult for me. I think I resorted to breaking off small chunks and swallowing them like pills while dry heaving the entire time. Uuughhhh.... You know it is strange because the first time I ate them, no problem. Everytime thereafter has been worse than the previous.

So we get them down and start waiting. I go and sit in my bed with this guy and I feel it start to come on. I decided that I wanted this guy to brush my hair. This seems great. We put on some Natalie Merchant. There was this poster of a cat on my wall. It is a very colorful cat, very vivid wit inquisitive eyes. The poster was absolutely amazing. While staring at it I realized that the cats head was supposed to be the focus of the painting. The body was just an afterthought. I thought that this conclusion of mine was quite deep at the time. Hmmmm....

So then the second song by Natalie merchant comes on. By this time I am starting to feel it really strong, by far more strong than anything before and this was after about 20 minutes of ingesting those nasty little things. The song, called "Beloved Wife" is the most sad song in the world. This is when I lost control of my emotions. I suddenly became very very sad and had to step outside of the room. When I stood just outside of the room by the doorway, I was fine- even though I could still hear the music. As soon as I stepped back into my room- sad. My room was the room of sadness. I was crying on and off for a few minutes when my friend realized what was happening. We changed the music.

By this time I had already asked him if it was hitting him. Nope. Nothing. I guess I should say right now that it never hit him. He never felt a damn thing. And yes, he did eat them. How the hell this happened I have no idea. That is biochemistry for you.

So, when I started to realize that nothing was happening to him this sent me into a bad state. Also, it didn't help that I couldn't really see the real world anymore. All I could see were crazy swirling psychedelic patterns everywhere. It was truly amazing. It was like I was inside one of those crazy screen savers.

At this point it all became to much for me. I started to think that this guy didn't really want to be there with me. I kept telling him that if he wanted to leave it would be ok, even though being alone sounded like a nightmare. He told me he didn't feel much, just sort of like he was on E. This was terrible. The last thing I wanted to do was touch anybody!

I laid down with my face in my pillow. This is how I spent the next hour. I kept looking up to look at my clock but I couldn't understand what it represented. I was lost in the most messy helpless alone sad agonizing lonely bad guilty swirling red orange yellow messy dirty thoughts ever. All of these things I felt at once. It is amazing how emotions and thoughts and feelings all mesh into one big goey mess.

After having my head down for a while I finally looked up. I had forgotten that I even had my eyes closed. I thought that I had had them open the whole time. I was relieved to find that there was a "real" world, and the world in my mind was not real.

After the first 1.5 hours, I was back to the normal level fourish stage. Language sounds weird, time still a problem, but much, much more under control than before. I remember trying to read a clock. I said, "It is five four seven." I had no idea how to put the last two numbers together to make fortyseven. Wasn't happening for me!!

I spent the rest of the time wishing it would just stop. It sucked. That night I went to see the new Star Wars movie and fell asleep in the theater. Meow.

Moral of the story- don't do shrooms with some guy you have a big crush on. And if they don't kick in for the other person after an hour and a half, make him eat a whole bunch more!!!


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