coping & destruction

Oh my God. I really underestimated the mushroom. I am
sorry.

My story is going to sound very pathetic. It will take me
years to sort out last night I'm sure, but I have a need to
write about it to try to make sense of this earth and mind
shattering event induced by a few rank-tasting fungi.
Well, here goes.

Last week I dosed for the first time and got a level 3 trip.
To get background information on myself and drugs, read the
level 3 report "full day of tripping". I did kind of a lot
of mushrooms and wanted to delve farther than level 3 so
this weeked my mom was gone and me and 3 friends (2 who have
tripped once before) set my house up to be a "trip layer".
We greened the light in my room and made the "main room
completely dark. We set blankets, pillows, and beanbags all
over the place and at 5:30 we ingested - fasting the whole
day.

I didn't have a scale but I ate about 2 1/2 four inch
shrooms with gold tops and 2 tops. M ate 1 1/4 of the same
type of shrooms, L ate about 1 1/2 of the same type, and
about 3 smaller 1-2 inch blue topped shrooms (which are the
type we did in "full day of tripping" and were said to be
less potent than the kind we did in this trip) and my friend
TON ate a meatly 1/2 a stem.

I started to feel level one a few minutes after I started
eating (im guessing because of the fasting) and in 15
minutes i was feeling very weird. Then we decided to smoke
some herb and I took one toke and as I let it out I felt
like I had to lay down before I hurt myself.

I walked into the main room and was looking at the pillows
and blankets and everything and I was already at level 3.
My body was feeling warm and tingly and melty all over.
This is when things get fuzzy. I am going to seperate it
into what I think happened and what my friends tell me.

WHAT I THINK.
I said to someone that I was going outside and I went
outside. I walked to a space of grass and layed down. Then
the severe audio distortion started freaking me out. It
sounded like a high pitched girl screamed and then she just
screamed for 3 seconds, let off for one, then started over.
This felt like an eternity and every new cycle a new blip,
or beep or burp or squelch or some sort of schpliffy
schplurffy spacey sound.
IT was all very cosmic and I kept trying to dig it but got
kind of worried that my friend was there and dissapointed
with me acting so strange. About this time I was living a
thousand people. I was everyone I knew at that time and all
of my friends emotions made sense. A lot of people switched
roles and some of the annoying ones were not and some of the
unfunny ones were funny and some of the smart ones were
dumb, etc. I could not distinguish one thing from anotehr.
This I think this is when I started dealing with a
lifelong problem I have always had.
I have always had a problem with vomiting. It may seem
funny but I used to lose sleep over it and it really was
affecting my life. That is why I never touched alchohol or
anything like that. Well I was feeling the nausea and vomit
in my body with every sence. I could hear touch smell taste
and see the vomit inside of me eating away at me and I knew
that this fear had to stop. I knew I was going to throw up
and I was glad. That is something I never even imagined I
would do. I thought I threw up then, but I never found any
puke.
I remember sometime that I was eating rocks and dirt, and
that it didn't matter because nothing mattered. I knew that
I had died but I was always okay with death and I never had
a fear of it and I knew I was dying but everything was so
beautiful.
I sort of developed a theory that I will think about for the
rest of my time and never even come close to knowing what it
was. In my best words, It was like life was beauty and
death was beauty and everything was just the same. It was
just.a differnt way of thinking. This isn't even close to
it, but I had the thought that even though I was dying I
would still be alive. There was no life or death, just
being.
I think this somewhat stems from the book I am reading, "on
the road" by jack kerouac. Anybody who knows this book
knows about Dean and his thoughts on living, and how
everything was is just too good. I was digging everything
and everytime I would feel something it would be everything,
and then I would see around it and I could not possibly
grasp there being more, since I was digging the first
feeling so hard. I would be digging being so much that it
didn't matter whether I was dead or alive, nothing could
destroy something so complex and beutiful. I haven't even
scratched the surface of this theory, but that is as close
as I can come to saying it at the time.
I knew I was rolling around on the grass and probably
yelling and I decided I had to get back inside. I went to
my garage that has one of those code things to open it up.
I tried to open the code once and i gave up and fell on the
floor, since nothing mattered now. I would get up again and
I didn't want to do the code so I tried to walk through the
garage and I couldn't.
Fast forward, In the real world I am inside and in my mind I
am back in time and dealing with everything. I am writhing,
feeling naked and out in the open. I remember needing to
hold on to people, and turning over chairs just to make sure
I was still alive. I remember pulling out my hair and
punching people. I would writhe around on the floor and
kept going back in time. I remember thinking about my
friendships and my mom and her boyfriend. I thought about
my dad and all was good. I knew that divorce was just a
human thing, and that their souls didn't really hate each
other.
I snapped out of these travels a few times and looked up and
saw my friends looking down at me. They seemed concerned
about me and tried to tell me I busted a bunch of shit up.
I looked around and TON was trying to fix the busted wire
casing that ran across the wall. The blankets and chairs
and pillows we set up were all over the place and a really
heavy guitar solo from pink floyd was on. I felt like I was
on a drug binge and I had OD'ed on heroin, speed, meth, and
everything else. I felt like I had thrown a huge party and
there were a thousand people in my house and I was dying and
my mom and sister would never forgive me.
Soon TON came in and i said that I loved him and he said he
loved me too. Then I walked into the TV room and I laid on
the couch some more.

Finally TON said it was only nine o'clock and that brought
me to reality and I had a really fun trip after that. I was
full of energy and everything was breathing. I tried to
tell everyone of the beuty of my trip and they kept telling
me how i busted shit up and pissed my pants. I looked down
and, sure enough, my pants were pissed. I didn't even
remember that. I then cooked a pizza and a hot pocket and
drank some soda.

WHAT MY FRIENDS THINK.
My friends stayed outside and smoked pot till they were
stoned and when they came in I was passed out on the floor,
digging the music. TON and M are sure that I never went
outside, while L thinks that I may have. Nobody is really
sure. I did find some grass stains on my pants, but I dont
know if I got those before or after the trip.
So I guess TON was in my room and M came in and was really
paranoid. He thought that there was a cop in my bedroom.
Then he walked out into the main room and saw me thrashing
around on the floor and L whimpering and crying in a corner.
He saw the chairs turned over and the cordholder hanging off
of the wall. He then got really worried because he thought
that if everyone was really out of it then when the cops
came into that room we would all get really busted. I guess
he saw me kick the giant grandfather clock and it made a
really loud noise.
TON did the least shrooms, so he was able to come back to
reality and he grounded the trip (thankfully, or my whole
house may have been wrecked). He said I was like the hulk
because He tried to drag me away from the computer and I
grabbed his watch and unbuckled it (which none of us could
do while not high).
Towards the very end of the trip, I still felt like it
didn't matter what I did and I almost took off my clothes
just to see if people would care. Luckily I never did that
:D.

Well, we have come to the conclusion that we will never do
shrooms in a place with breakables again (at least that high
of a dose).

I am still blown away by this trip and do not know what to
think. We are going to try similar dose