I quiver everytime I think about how I felt. Well, here goes...
It was about 8:30 pm when me and my friend, Josh, dropped. I was in my college dorm and he showed up with some acid (remember this was paper acid w/ a lot of strichtnine). Without thinking, I agreed to eat some. We realized we couldn't stay here in this small room all night. I knew in my heart the worst was coming and that there was no way I could stay here thinking about it. We went to a friend's house downtown. After a long, long, long PRT ride downtown, I could feel the acid start to take effect.
When we arrived at our friend's house (who was completely sober & had never tripped or did any drugs his entire life), we played some video games until the acid took full effect. I remember laughing my ass off safor the first hour about nothing and everything. I also remember telling myself, "I've got to keep laughing." I told myself this, because I knew once the laughter stopped the fear began.
Well, after that first hour I began to really TRIP!!!
When I say TRIP, I mean thinking...infinately. Analyzing every thougt, and then analyzing that thought, and then analyzing that thought until finally...I was so scared about what was at the end of all my analyzing that I tried to tell myself to stop thinking. But that just made it worse!!! I began analyzing why I was telling myself to stop thinking, and analyzing what I was afraid of?!?!?!?
I felt such horror that these words I am writing can't even come close to describing it.
It only made things worse to look over at my friend, and see in his eyes that he was goin through the same thing I was. Everytime I looked into his eyes, I would think that he was what I was afraid of all along. I had to walk just to try and make my brain stop racing. Me, my tripping companion(Josh), and my sober friend agreed to take a walk. Or should I say we demanded to take a walk. It was as if walking was our last option.
We didn't make it 2 blocks before I looked over at my friend, and saw his eyes peering into mine. It was as if he was looking for something in my mind. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that I was scared of what it could be. It felt like he was the devil(so to speak). He was the end of everything. He was the end of all of my analyzing. He was what I was afraid of!!! He kept looking and staring at me as if he was waiting on me to say something that would be the end of this silent chaos. The end of this madness. The end of this trip. The end of this reality...
I couldn't make sense of it all. I ran away from the both of them. I walked home about 5 miles only to come home to an absolute hell.
When I got home, about 12:30 am, all I could think about was him, the devil, coming for me at any time, amidst this quiet infinite hell in my dorm room.
Then I heard the phone ring...It was him. Even on the phone I could see his face and I knew he was coming for me. (The next day I listened to his voice on my answering machine and it was still fucked up sober)
"Jesus, what am I going to do," I remember thinking. Over and over and over. I paced through my dorm. I couldn't escape this madness. I wrote down on a piece of paper, "Never Trip Again" about 3 times just to remind myself when i was sober, of how bad this trip was. The next thing I did was look at my writing. I could actually see my handwriting dying. Each phrase more faint than the next. After this ongoing hell, I fell asleep at about 7:00 am. I've never felt such insane fear in all my life, except when I tripped out huffing gas, when I was 14. The best way to describe that incident is to say,
"Imagine that you are tripping, and you finally come to a point in which your mind stops...everything and everyone stops forever. And you know(at the time) that u are stuck in this silent frozen hell forever." Realizing that your life is absolutely meaningless. There is no god, or devil...just complete and utter chaos.
As I reflect on what happened, I wonder what this all means. I think it has some significance...
I've tripped mushrooms and got a complete overwhelming feeling of love from the almighty GOD and the earth and all the spirits surrounding me. But with acid it was the complete opposite. I guess no more chemicals for me...so I think.