long past due

I have never attempted to describe this before. Its been six years yet the psychological ramifications, of what developed over one very long trip, still seem to play on.

It started harmless enough. I set out to take what was becoming a routine trip to the netherlands. It seemed that time of my life (senior in high school) I was really in to zen, metaphysics, and so forth. I was just starting to understand the whole pleasure / pain relationship that occurs with ecstacy. Up until this trip I had known madness, but never had experienced the unscrupulous world of intense pain. What the pain held for me was astonishing.

It was eight or so at night and I had dropped a good size dose and set back with the headphones on. I had the multi-CD player on random with a whole mix of surprizes waiting to hit over the next couple of hours. I had cranked up the black lights and my cave-like attic bedroom came alive with brilliant patterns of day glow paints.
It wasn't long before I had relaxed and was starting to see the walls pulse and waver before me. The sounds I was hearing were doing very typical reverb type effects and everything was downright groovy. A familiar feeling grew over me, like a hug from a good friend. I realized I was in clear space and thus opened up for whatever was to come (like I had a choice at this point?).
This is when things became really different. I suddenly found myself laying on a cold table. It was really cold. I was really naked. At first the nakedness bothered me (like dreams of going to school naked), then I remembered what I was up to, and so I relaxed a bit more. For a while I was just there in this black room, chilled on the table. Sounds of music half poured in from my room where my physical body parts were still picking up sound. Eventually the music went out. I then sensed the presence of a few beings in the same space that I occupied on the table. They were approaching me. I can remember not actually seeing anyone at this point; however, I was really hoping that the beings would turn out to be sex goddesses so I could have my first hardcore sex trip. As the beings approached more I realized that I would not be able to see them as they were somehow made of the blackness that surrounded me. BTW- during the whole table sequence my point of view flashed from first-person with no field of vision, to a third-person point of view where all I could see was my naked body on a large medical table. When the beings arrived at the table they grasped my arms and legs and strapped me to the table. They were gentle, yet firm as steel about it. I again hoped that this was going to get insanely kinky. I knew I was going to be let down though when I heard the sound of a circular saw (the sound was a pure hallucination of course).

This ominous sound sent me into a panic. I tried to struggle, but I could not even wiggle my ass because I was so tightly tied down. Then I felt the blade hit my skin. It hurt. It was pain, and it was as real as pain gets. The saw ripped into my skin, maybe a quarter of an inch. Then the saw kept this depth and continued to trace an unrecognizable pattern all over me (I am think about Kafka's "Penal Colony" now that I look back on this part). It was as my mind started to concentrate on this pain that my vision took another sweeping step to a new level. I was at a cellular level. Individual cells were being ripped and shredded. Nerve cells were being torn bit by bit. Then new instruments of pain came into play. My view still stayed at the cell level though. I saw bits being burned, punctured, dissolved in acid, and in general just horribly mutilated. I felt it too. It was the most painful experience of my life and it went on for what seemed like an eternity. I can actually remember thinking that I was permanently trapped in that hell. Colors, smells, details of excruciating pain, were all so damn livid when I started my first recollection of it days later I almost vomited from the intensity of the memories.

It was just as I accepted the pain existence as hopeless that it stopped. All sensation went away (including sight). I went into free-fall mode. I didn't see anything, but I had the feeling of rushing air and pressure of G-forces to assure me that I was falling. When I landed, I landed face down. At first I thought I landed in a pool of lava. Whatever I had landed in was liquid and rolling and red and black and bubbling. It was warm. But it wasn't hot. Then a familiar sound came to my ears. laughter. It seemed that I had fallen in to a pool of laughter. With every little bubble came a giggle and every big swirl or ripple was a belly laugh. This seemed to continue for a very long time also.

The pool washed away as my real vision came back. I was still in my room, and still in one piece. I thought it was best not to contemplate what had just happened, in case it would cause a trigger to repeat the experience. I rode the rest out with a bit of smoke and I kicked the lights down to just a candle.

Thinking back on it I think I learned a valuable lesson. It was that the ying and the yang both exist. For every extreme in one direction, the other must exist also. I happened to unknowingly go exploring the wrong extreme. I don't think it can be controlled sometimes though. I did go on various trips after that one. I never found that same place again. I have been kind of fascinated by it though. It made me more aware of the fact that pleasure and pain are both merely senses. It has also made me curious if one can truely learn to associate pain with a positive thing. If you don't get me, just think of the movie "Hellraiser." Those other world beings relished their pain and wanted to share it. It is an extreme example, but maybe you can see what I am saying anyways. And no I do not support or practice any form of masochism, besides maybe a little mild kinky stuff every now and then.