Will of God

Accomplices: Psilocybe cyanescens, P.stunzii, and Psilocybe cubensis. Total around 3-4 g. Rue extract. ~5g vitamin-C. Ingestion of shrooms occurred 1/2 hour after ingestion of rue & C.

Quite a blast-off. I was virtually immobilized as blue-grey energy starting spreading outwards all around me. Distinct impression of "surfing" on waves of energy. As usual, I heard a siren just as the effects came on. I'm not sure if this is a hallucination, synchronicity, or a staggering coincidence (this happened to me four times in the last year, always at the very beginning of the effect).

Soup of the Unconscious.
That is how I describe the mixture of visions that seemed to be flowing or whirling all around me, as if I was in a whirlpool. Open-eye visuals and closed-eye visuals, it really didn't matter, I could hardly see the room around me, for all the kaleidoscopic colors, fractal bubbly patterns, mushrooms of all shapes and colors, and zoomorphic figures of Aztec, Mayan, or Incan style. Heavy emphasis on dark organic greens (like rich moss), rich orange/reds (like fiery sunsets), and other very vivid colors.

Snakes.
I had been reading about Kundalini lately and, with all the snakes I saw, I came to the conclusion that I had really awakened it, although not necessariy in a positive, controlled way. The snakes seemed to be slithering in and out of "holes" in spacetime. Especially thick in the corners of the room.

Quivering Blob of Consciousness.
I was reduced (elevated?) to a writhing blob on the hardwood floor, sort of in an alcove with lots of shoes. I was really happy. I felt a strange irony: This is the evolution of consciousness... I thought... I am pushing the limits here. Then I think... but I'm not moving toward "God", I'm in uncharted territory, lost in the terra incognita of consciousness. What a feeling of existential Angst.. This was evolution (of consciousness), but evolution towards what? "If God isn't talking to me, who is?" I kept repeating.

Loss of free will.
Seemed to me that I no longer had free will. I didn't mind this though, at first. I just gave myself over to the will of "God". Then it occurred to me that maybe there wasn't a God, at least not involved in the here and now, and that I was alone. Strange, but with LSD I feel that I am more of a spectator, like there is some part of my mind that is still intact and trying to figure out what is happening, usually with mathematical or yin/yang metaphors. Here I felt unable to do that.

Fear of Insanity.
My eyes, it seemed, were glowing with maniacal power. I thought I had cast some kind of magic spell... "Oh, you've done it this time... you've really summoned up some hellish power and it has really taken over, I am permanently insane." I did not remember clearly having eaten mushrooms. I saw all kinds of magical symbols and things from books I had lying around, which only served to confirm this fear. I began to imagine the various people in my life who criticized my "experiments" and how horrible it would be that they were proved right.

Meditation and the Buzz.
A few times (while the soup of images and stuff was flying around me) I tried to calm my mind by meditation. This created the buzz. It seemed to me that drawing my focus of attention into my head induced that buzz. I would like to invite comment on "the buzz". I know that Terence McKenna has some theories about it... that if you MAKE that sound and synchronize with it, something bizarre will happen.

Chronic hysteresis.
I did get into a time loop, again with the distinct feeling of not being in control. Often my loops seem to be caused by feeling the need to do something but being unable to follow through on it. By this time, the visions had ceased, although the world was still melting and breathing around me, and it was all grey and pink. It seems to me that with the rue, the visual part of the trip ends before my mental faculties come back together.