I had been, for a few weeks, asking myself questions, pretty much as usual, but one of them seemed to persist, to come back, as if to haunt me. "Who am I, deep inside? What am I without my identity, my name, or even my body?" Those words, hopping from one thought to another as I walked in the cold, depressing weather, kicking stones, frustrated me, because I did not seem to be able to find any answer to them, yet they were so simple.
Life goes by, for me, one second at a time. Things are always changing, but this change usually goes by unnoticed, because it is so slow and subtle. This is probably what let me become what I am now.
I had been planning to trip alone, on four grams of dried psilocybe cubensis mushrooms, in the dark, blindfolded, while listening to some of the best psy trance tunes I was able to find. I spent the day reading, talking to people, and pretty much preparing myself for what was ahead.
About thirty minutes before I ate the mushrooms, I took three kava kava root extract gelcaps, to help me cope with the anxiety, and a gravol (50mg dimenhydrinate), to prevent nausea. At seven, I turned down the lights, put the music on, munched down the earth-tasting plants, washing them down with a nice cold glass of water, and put the blindfolds on... I did not really know what I was getting into. To be honest, I was scared out of my mind, but I felt like I had to do it. I needed a turning point in my life.
I waited, sleepy from the gravol, for the first effects. I could say they got me by surprise. They submerged me, little by little. Cut off from everything but the music, I would unwillingly picture the random thoughts that would pop up into my mind. I walked by a woman with bruises on her face. She had a strong pace, she was very determined. Surprised, I wondered why she was in pain. "She's not, I thought. She knows she has nothing to be scared of..."
The visions went from nothing to blobs, from blobs to patterns, from patterns to shapes, from shapes to amazingly complex three dimentionnal forms, that looked like they had been sculpted out of my own self, in warm, reddish colors of all sorts. I was many times striked by incredible feelings of déja-vu, that felt reassuring, in their own, twisted, unexplainable way. What I saw was in constant, neverending shift, fluidly following every move the music would make.
There I was, exploring my own mind, not scared at all anymore. I felt at home. I was. It felt so good, almost like being reborn. I was, however, feeling a need to explain what I was living, but I found it very hard to put everything into words. But, anyways, words can't even come close to describing properly what the experience was like. Finally, everything made sense, my thoughts were finally free to occupy as much of my conscious as they wanted. "This is it? It can't be. It's too simple." The answers to my questions were right in front of me all along, but, being an avid thinker, I've always looked for complicated paths to the simple conclusions. It was so incredibly simple, that, for a few moments, I thought I had become insane.
I went for a walk, when I was starting to come down, to try and glue the peices of the puzzle together. My mind was tired, it needed to rest.
I entered another world, with a question in hand, but came out with no answer. Well, not one I can explain. I'm positive that I know myself better now, and I understand that, without words, a name, and a body, I am still myself, but I cannot describe this self in its complexity and its beauty. And I'll have to cope with that.
I loved it. Every single bit of it. I'm on the right track, I know it; I've been, for the past few weeks, letting myself go, but in the bad way. It's all over now. I have a life to live.