Things Fall Apart

On a Monday at noon, I took 30 grams of fresh cubensis. After having tripped several times at lower levels, I had finally decided to try for a higher level trip. It was a sunny day, I didn't have anything that needed doing and didn't have to work for the next couple of days. I took the shrooms, turned on some music, turned off the lights (except for my lava lamp) and layed down on the bed to wait. Within a half an hour I was experiencing very noticeable visuals that moved in time with the music. In another ten minutes there were multi colored tendrils floating down to caress me from the ceiling and they were controling the music. Then, I noticed that my ceiling was translucent and there were two more cells on top of mine side by side. Each contained the giant, shadowy form of a fetus complete with umbilical cord. Every once in a while they would move or turn over. Then some insect-like creature that was moving from cell to cell, between them, came over to my cell and was looking down at me. He did something to me and it seemed like he was admonishing me, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I felt my ego trying to tear away, and tried to help it, but some part of my mind seemed to be clinging to it with a death grip. I got up and went to get some water.

I was shakey and sweaty and so decided to take a shower. I felt instantly refreshed as I steped into the shower, and just enjoyed it for a few minutes. Then my mind started to go into overdrive and I was thinking about life and my life and what was I doing with it. Still the feeling of the shower was amazing and I was loath to get out. By the time I got out of the shower, my mind was in a shambles, and standing naked in front of the full length mirror seemed to blow it apart. I turned away, took a few deep breaths, wondered what the hell I was doing, and turned back to the mirror.

It took me about forty minutes to get dressed, and I did it one peice at a time. I thought about each peice of clothing before I put it on, why was I puting it on, is it alright, is it right for me? And I examined, in the mirror after each peice of clothing. I felt it was very important to do this just right, and it was like I was slowly and carefully putting myself back together. I wanted to know each part, its function, and whether or not I wanted it. I could take a deep look at myself and make sure everything was good and how I wanted it to be.

After I was dressed, I looked around my room and realised that it was part of me too. It was a mess, and I didn't want myself to be that way, so I spent another hour and a half puting everything were I wanted it and thinking very carefully about everything as I did it.

I got a real good look at myself that day and the clarity of what I want to be and how to make it that way hasn't left me. I've made many changes in my life recently and am much happier. It wasn't that I was exactly unhappy before, but things are immeasurably better now. It will be a while, though, before I trip so heavily again. Level 1 and 2's will be just fine, for a while...

Sal Paradise
"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold" -TS Eliot