The trouble with ego death

I took 30g of fresh Mexican cubensis with a digestive enzyme (I find these really stop any feeling of nausea and digestive difficulties). I was at home, relaxed and well prepared. Apart from my flatmate being asleep upstairs I was on my own. I have taken shrooms probably no more than 10 times and only for the last year. I am 36, male, 10 stone.

The trip came on strong after about an hour and probably peaked at about 2 hours. I totally lost all sense of who I was, all comprehension of language and understanding. I watched the most amazing closed eye visuals of all kinds of weird stuff like animals, birds and insects all morphing and swirling around (was that the mantid?). When I opened my eyes my vision was very shaky. I felt a strong sense of breaking into a whole new universe, raging away, hidden behind our normally everyday reality. The whole room was vibrating very strongly and I found it best to just shut my eyes and watch. I had a very strong feeling of my father who died a long time ago and felt he was still looking after me.

This was all very good but a horrible feeling of dying came over me. I sort of coped with this by reminding myself I was tripping and would be ok in a few hours. I decided to forget about my body and just enjoy the mental effects. This worked for a while until I thought about how easy it would be to walk upstairs and jump out of the window. I could see the fragility of life and how easy it would be to just stop living. This thought of dying really scared me and I sat out the last part of the trip holding on to the leg of the sofa, being too scared to leave my room. After having a few joints and waiting for a bit I was fine.

I think the problem is when I’m tripping and totally out of it and not fully in conscious control anymore that I worry that I could do any kind of crazy thing and not realise until it’s too late.

As soon as the trips end I realise I’m fine and it’s just a trip. Maybe I’m not being able to break through ego death. When I took a slightly higher dose of shrooms I had the most amazing experience all the way through the trip but the last 2 trips I’ve taken 30g and have had these same difficulties. When I take a lower dose I have a great time too. I’m wondering whether to try a higher dose again to totally smash through my ego rather than what I feel is happening at the moment – getting stuck in a kind of limbo and not having enough impetus to completely break free from my body.

I’d really appreciate any advise on this. Maybe I’m not grasping what’s going on. I’ll definitely have a friend with me next time. I appreciate Terence Mckenna’s idea of tripping in silent darkness on one’s own but maybe that’s for a more experienced tripper.