SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!!

another normal week
except for yesterday
i tripped on psilocibin mushrooms
oh i hullucinated alright
i took like 35 grams fresh mushrooms
i had a cap that was 5 inchses across
well, i dont know if i was in the best state of mind
I have a history of cronic depression and was treated for a few years with anti-depressants

ill start from the beggining
the night before last night i went to bed
about 10 minutes later i got up
but this was a dream
i got up and was wandering around the appartment paranoid, terrified and totally utterly confused
this was in my dream
it was lucid
it so weird
i woke up 30 minutes later with a cold sweat
like whoa, when was that going to end....
just a very strange feeling
the next day was normal
i got up went to school
got back at around 2 pm
me and john have gone around feilds b4 looking for shrooms
so he asked me, hey u wanna go shrooming today?
i was like ya sure
but i thought i was just going to be wasting time again
i ddidnt care, it would be fun
we got to this cow feild we found at like 230
it belonged to this company
a HUGE FUCKING FIELD
yeah
huge
it was divided into 4
so they could rotate cow grazing
we found a place to park then
started walking down the road
we walked next to the field a saw, right next to the fence, a huge ass shroom
BUT
there was the bull
the bull of the field alone in there separated from the females
so we just said we'll get it later and went to the main field
we looked around to see if it was safe
then scaled it
we darted all the way too the tree line to hide
and almost immediatly got the attention of this huge horse
it ran to us and stoped
like a little kid curious as to who we were
the horse was brown had a long tail
its eyes were black colored
its tounge was....
hehe
ok ok, n e ways
it wouldnt leave us alone so we hoped another fence
to the unoccupied field
we began looking under trees but found shit...
literally
nothing
just shit
i was like this fucking blows
we kept looking
UNTIL
we found this sweet spot
it was fucking amazing
they were everywere
in tall grass about a foot high
i mean EVERYWERE
these fuckers were huge
we found one, then it was like one after another
i had a ziplock bag
a freeze bag size
the big bags
filled that shit up half way
like a pound fresh weight
so we got back home and emptied the bag
started cleaning them
but i just didnt feel right, kinda depressed or somthing, not as excited as i would have been if i was like 18 or 19, now i was 21, already experienced with X (or who knows), whippets, weed, DXM, perscription pills, alcohol, all to excess (I know this is stupid, but i even huffed gasoline a few times, being the suicidal numb nutz that I was)
i dunno, n e ways
i just went ahead with it
then shitz were nasty
slimy
almost puked
since they werent dry
but i ate a couple big caps
and a few small ones
about 15 minutes i knoticed something
slightly giggley for a few minutes
then i went up stairs
was ok but started to feel a bit uneasy
just overall negetive
bad idea when tripping
i started to get paranoid and like i wanted someone to comfort me, but there was noone besides my 2 roomates, only john was tripping
so was i
i felt like i just wanted to be alone
this is were it gets real interesting
hard to discribe
i went in my room sat down
feeling very uncomfortable, like i had no seritonin in my head
feeling sick
nauseas
it kept on escalating, looked my door
laid down
felt like crying, then terrified and paranoid, like i was going to die
thought "what did i do this time, what if these arr poison".. (even though I did a LOT of research on drugs and mycology, still didn't trust myself)
I wanted to puke
I rolled around uncomfortable on my bed
BUT THEN
i was like fuck it im gonna smoke some hash
i had some hash with me i extracted
it got really fucking intense
very alone/crazy feeling
i almost felt like i could fight someone
like whacko
just beat the shit outa someone , i wanted to be left alone, but didnt at the same time
i watched pink floyd video
blew my mind
but it kept on getting more and more intense
at some point the closing in feeling opened up
and let me into a vast expanse of freedom
which in contrast to my "inprisonment" lasted maybe 20 minutes or so
i felt like god
i felt/saw strange strobing mental effect
echoing of voice
great feeling
it was like a mental thing, increased memory
ability think of many things at once
i could focus on all of it well too
i was in the bathroom
looked in mirror
saw a monster
my eye sockets went black
I looked all hairey
lights wer like nukes going off
i sat down on the toilet
and just laid slupped over looking at the floor
the floor was the biggest hullucination i had
it was like snakes under it
all waving
like huge anaconda snakes where under the tiles
then the trip once again swallowed me up, i felt retarded scared paranoid, crazy
then later it opened once again
then closed again for the last time leaving me slightly schizoid
weak and depressed lonley empty
like i had blended my brain and guts up
ill do it again sometime
in a while, when i feel more comfortable
after I have healed a bit
one thing it did do is
give me an apreaciation of not being shizoid
i know what it would be like now
horrible
i think i just need a girl