Well to begin, this is my second shroom trip. The first was a light, spiritual trip, the second…? I don’t know where to begin. But this is going to be a long post and the juicy stuff is at the end.
While I was walking down the beach with a friend, P, we got a phonecall that our friend was trying to sell some shrooms. Seeing that I absolutely fell in love with shrooms the first time I tried them I instantly took up the offer and we drove to our friends to see how much we were getting, what they looked like, etc. Well it was a Sunday night and it’d be difficult to find a way to trip in a relaxing setting so we preserved the shrooms by putting them through a coffee grinder twice and then mixing all the shroom water (? What else do I call it?) with a little bit of koolaid. Tuesday night, (The Fourth of July might I add. I thought it was a great idea) we drank the whole gallon of shroom juice (and it didn’t taste that bad.) 20 minutes in I felt stoned and at ease. The backyard felt like a meadow. I could spot all the ants on the wood. Our friends were being goofy as hell and my nickname should have been Giggles. As P and I were leaving things started looking pixilated and I marveled at the fact that; that’s what a computer image is; its pixilated! (I cant explain the enthusiasm) Anyway we got to the beach and there was SO MUCH to look at. I couldn’t look at everything. At one point I asked P to take the wheel so that I could take my eyes off the road and look at all the people. My hands were starting to feel like they weren’t apart of my body. They felt numb to touch. P and I agreed that it felt like we were wearing rubber gloves. (wtf?) we got to the beach and I had to piss so bad. We decided to get in the water to relieve ourselves. I felt a pit in the middle of my stomach too. (a knot) I hadn’t eaten anything that day but a slice of apple pie. We both got in the ocean and I noticed the current was really strong but it felt like there was a hole in the ocean that was sucking me in. I told P that Moses was on shrooms because no body of water just opened up for him to cross. (before we’ve had jokes about B.C. weed (british Columbia) and that I said it was Before Christ weed; it was the weed Moses’ smoked.) The current was getting rough and I kept getting swept away by it. Everytime a wave came I’d swim right under it and P would jump over it. Then the water started to speckle as the sun went down. The sky was HUGE! You know when people sarcastically say, ‘The sky is purple!’ well IT WAS PURPLE. (of course the sun was setting too) but it was definitely purple and white and blue and orange. It looked amazing and I couldn’t take it all in. I put my hand to my heart and felt that my heart was beating extremely hard and fast. I felt panicky but remembered that I was fighting an ocean while on shrooms. Suddenly I just felt like floating, so I did. (I’ve never been able to float on my back in water) but I did it! I was one with the water. It was freaking cool! I let it take me where ever it pleased. Around dusk the partiers on the beach were putting off firecrackers and what not, which started freaking me out. When we got out of the ocean (its so much fun, but takes A LOT of energy to be in the ocean on shrooms) I felt so sober that I couldn’t tell if I really was or not but then I noticed, as I sat down, that the sand looked like it was sinking in in one spot and then bubbling out. (aka Breathing) But it wasn’t a strong visual and I was getting bummed because I felt that I didn’t get enough of this feeling. I felt pretty sober except for the fact that everything I looked at looked extremely clear and pretty. P and I decided to go back to the car, roll a joint, get some Goldfish and come back to the beach and get ready for fire works. By the time we came back the fire works were beginning. We lit up our joint and smoked on the beach (which was awesome as I’ve never been so brave (and unparanoid) about doing it in such an open place. I mean there was a cop car near us just over a sand dune. Yea, looking back, it could have been stupid but I thought it was perfectly normal.) I started feeling high but it wasn’t a regular stoner high. At first it was cool. I was content but then the feeling started changing. Rapidly. I found the fire works frightening at the end. I felt that if monsters invaded our earth right now we’d look like stupid little ants that threw light bombs in the sky. (What a dumb earth!) I felt that God was laughing at us. I started feeling that we were only God’s GUINEA PIGS in his experiment and everything they teach about “God has a greater purpose for us” was complete BULL SHIT. I told P that I was getting really delusional. I felt like people wanted to attack me and that P was just my stupid sidekick that didn’t know anything because hes just an idiot now. I was all on my own. When the fireworks ended I had to dodge drunk partiers and walk in weird places to get away from the attackers. P just followed me. He was quiet during this time and I don’t remember talking to him a lot after that. I got in the car and felt safe. Until we got stuck in BIG traffic (we were in traffic an hour) at one point we were at an intersection (with no lights) and I thought I was being courteous by letting other cars get by in front of me. But the other line started cutting me off. I kept waiting, trying to be nice for my fellow earthlings but they I kept getting, as P put it, “jacked off.” Finally I noticed people were taking advantage of me and pulled up and ‘jacked off’ a few cars that did it to me. At the next intersection I pulled up so no cars could pass and the whole line behind me did it too. I felt a leader. I needed hope because I knew that we were just stupid ants for God to entertain himself with. Nothing was funny anymore. Things were serious. I was an alien. I was not from this earth, I’m soo different from the rest. I’m in isolation. Oh my god what kinda weed was that? (it was pretty much straight up resin (roaches from former blunts that we broke up to make a joint.) If your going to mix drugs- damn be careful it turned the trip black. I felt so terrible. I fantasized ways to kill myself. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I want to live on Jupiter! (And the whole time I thought this- it was normal but I could remember what reality was suppose to be.) I kept looking at earth as a foreign planet rather than earth. A foreign planet that I no longer belonged to. I knew I needed to die to fit in.
Looking back, I totally believed my delusion was normal. I thought this was the “truth” that I was searching for and because I didn’t like the “truth” that I wanted to die. I could feel that this was earth but everytime I looked towards the sky I felt that our atmosphere was our little bubble. You know those little Christmas type balls that have little stone people in them and when you shake it the ‘snow’ flies and some of them play music. That was how I felt. Earth was a ball of atmosphere; a childs toy. I noticed everything I thought once was, really didn’t matter at all after all.
It wasn’t a “bad trip” but it was totally unexpected. I didn’t feel the “beauty” of insight. I saw the ugliness of insight. The whole time I kept thinking “so this is the truth about the world?” because I had read information and other reports about experiences that seemed to be like mine- the ways I felt about the universe. I want to make clear it wasn’t just a FEELING. It was REAL. (I wish I could find the words…) It felt so real. I was living in this ‘truth’ and I thought I’d never feel the way I did before about earth and its people. I didnt feel connected. I was lost in my own world..literally though- I was lost on earth.
I was afraid I’d never feel “normal” again but afterall what was “normal?” I couldn’t grasp the concept. Normal..normal…what is normal…what a weird word. Words..words are all weird. Why do we speak. This is language. When I got a phonecall from my dad I thought..wow we are a little intelligent- I mean we can contact someone from somewhere else that easily? Whats our issue with not being able to contact aliens? The dead? God? Are we really just that flat out stupid? Everything I thought life is or once was had vanished completely but I knew what reality was SUPPOSE to be, I just didn’t fit into. I wasn’t apart of such a reality. (For that time) my reality was simply being what I was because I was no longer a who. All that ever had meaning to me seemed purposeless. Nothing held any value anymore. Something like money meant absolutely nothing! Nothing..just a nothingness. (But it depressed me!) I wasn’t “free” I longed for that “home” feeling but I kept thinking my real home was very far far away. The next day, today, I realized, IRONICALLY, the PURPOSE of why I had such a trip. I need to appreciate my life more. I’m living day by day with no greater purpose than what is here and now. I have my dreams and goals but where do you begin to start living those dreams and goals? Today! I was searching to “visit” other planets and dimensions and instead what I got was me being an alien in my own. I cant visit those places because I need to realize whats right in front of my face. It was a depressing trip but I’m astounded how I’m able to make sense of it now. It was like living out a dream that I would have dreamt but a million times more real. Compared to the first time I tripped, I was only confused when I was driving at the beach and when I was driving P home. (When I got into his neighborhood I said, “shit I forgot where you live.” After driving to the guys house a few times a week for the past 2 years.) I didn’t recognize the neighborhood even though I knew where I was suppose to go. The first time I couldn’t even distinguish if I had driven or not. ( I was at a Pool Hall, and yes; I did drive.) I was confused about everything my first time. Very disoriented. (I went to drive and I forgot to TURN THE ENGINE/CAR ON! Haha “Why isn’t it moving?” “Turn the car on dumb ass.”)
What I learned? To appreciate things that I take for granted: cars. Wow..cars get us from point A or point B a hell of a lot quicker. Cars are sweet! Cell phones: damn we are intelligent! We can make cell phones? To make a call or anyone anywhere?
My life/reality of it: I saw earth from anothers point of view and we look sad. But I’ve learned- heck I’m apart of it. I am apart of something! No matter how isolated I’ll ever feel. I am human as everyone else and I’m grateful for have my “home-y” feeling back again.
Did I need a drug to make me grateful? To help me realize how fragile and beautiful we can make our (simply pathetic in general) lives? I didn’t understand what people meant when they said they felt two contradictory ideas simultaneously. Yea, I get it now. Make do with what you got because what else would you do anyway?
July 5, 2005