pure energy

January 22, 1999
Last night, January 21, 1999, I had the craziest trip I have
ever experienced. I've tripped many occassions on acid,
but I had only done shrooms two times before last night.
The first time I ate 1/2 and eighth and I tripped good.
It was a fun trip, I just laughed a lot and acted silly.
Second time, I ate an entire eighth and tripped decently.
The last time (last night) was insane. A good part of
the trip is basically unexplainable and pratically
impossible to put into words. I ate only half and eighth
and I tripped harder than I have ever before, on acid or
shrooms.

I started to feel them kick in while sitting in my living
room with a bunch of my friends. We had just finished
smoking 2 blunts. I had begun to feel kinda creeped out
and felt that i needed to be away from all these people
and be by myself. After about 10 minutes of convincing
myself to stand up and walk across the living room, I
went back to my room. I was freaked out about walking
across the living room, cuz I had to walk across the
entire living room with all these people and my body
had begun to get quite numb. I kept having to look down
to make sure my arms and legs were actually there and
to make sure I was sitting in the position I thought I
was. I went into my room and sat in this lil ball on
this totally uncomfortable chair, a wooden kitchen or dining
room table chair. I moved to my bed for a little while and just stared off and thought more and more about crazier and
crazier shit. By now I was attempting to calm myself down
because I knew if I didnt, I was going to have a bad trip.
I suppose I was already to late for this, I wasn't able
to calm myself down and I was pretty much already having
a bad trip.

Annie, my bestfriend, came into the room and started
talking to me. She also fucked with me for a while, and
she actually scared me to the point where I was about
to start crying out of fear. At first I was able to answer
back and shit when she was talking to me and fucking with
me. After she fucked with my head for a little while she
went back to just talking to me. By now I couldn't really
answer back because I wasn't able to get words out and
when she talked her words meant nothing to me, it was
just one long drawn out sound. By now I had also decided
everyone was conspiring against me. I was certain that
the cops would be showing up at my door at any moment
with some sort of government agents, so I refused to answer
the door and other people had to do it. I refused to
answer the phone as well because I was sure it was tapped
and that anyone calling me was to get me into some sort
of trouble with the police.

Annie finally left the room again because it was obvious
I didn't want bothered, I was no longer paying attention
to what she was saying anything, because as I mentioned
before, words meant nothing, talking was pointless and
didn't matter. So I'm left again in my room, by myself,
as I had wanted, left there to think and understand
things that I had never thought of. Things I would
feel were almost impossible in a normal state of mind,
all seemed quite possible at this moment.
I continued to trip harder and harder. I decided to
go back to my uncomfortable chair cuz I could
hold on to the back while I was in a ball and staring off.
Holding the back somehow made me feel safe, except the times
I thought I was melting into the chair. Occassionally people would come back here and tell me to go out there (the living room) and chill with them but the
most i could get out would be that I was 'scared'
or that my room was happy land and
it was evil out there. Eventually they gave up because
they realized i wasn't going anywhere. They kept wanting
to put music on for me as well and I wouldn't let them
because I was bitching about it interfering with my space.
Well, I'm chewing on a piece of gum and suddenly a
horrible thought comes to mind, what if I'm chewing on my tongue
and not the gum. I wouldn't have known, my tongue was numb, and I
couldn't tell if I was chewing on my tongue or the gum. I quickly
spit the gum out but it was too late, that freaked me out
as well. The rest of the night, every 5 minutes (except
those occassions when I was lost in DEEP DEEP thought,)
I would reach up to make sure my tongue was still there
then make sure there was no blood on my fingers, or else
I would look at my tongue in this little mirror to make
sure it was ok. My friends had given it to me so I could
check my tongue and make sure its ok. I had gotten very
upset over the idea of eating my tongue so they tried to
calm me down with the mirror. I was also certain that
if I didnt eat my tongue or bite it in half, it was
going to melt into my teeth. I was thinking that the
molecules of my tongue would unite with the molecules
of my teeth and I'd never be able to get them apart.
Things just got more and more nuts from this point on.
From here on, I'm thinking I was having some sort of
vision and I was being guided on some spiritual journey
to connect with a spiritual level and to find myself.
Nothing mattered anymore, people could talk to me and
I wouldn't understand one word of it and when I could
answer back I'd tell them to not talk that it's poitnless,
that nothing we do 'here' matters. Then I'd forget about
them and be lost in my world again, a world beyond any thought
and understanding I had ever experienced. I was sure
I was using parts of my brain that I had never used
before. I started babbling about how I was on a spiritual
journey and that Annie was guiding me (because she had
had a trip like this in the past and she believed the
same thing I did, about the connection with everything
at a higher level, and this somehow calmed me down to know someone
else had experienced something like this.) I babbled about being
energy floating in space and about how we would one day involve into
a higher form which would be pure energy. I lost my ability
to talk and form sentances again though. Annie went on
telling me about her trip, it freaked me out but calmed
me down at the same time because I knew she understood
the level I was at, or almost understood. After a while though her
words were nothing again, they were just one constant noise and meant
absolutely nothing. I was certain that nothing on earth mattered
because there was something else out there that we'd eventually
get to. Time had dissappeared long before this, I have
no clue how long I was lost in this world, I just know
I kept wishing I would come down from this trip. I kept
talking to someone in my head and occassionally outloud,
saying about how no one understands completely the level
I'm at, that people don't understand that you shouldn't
take shrooms to just get fucked up that there's something
more to it, that they help you on some spiritual journey.
I kept saying how I wasn't ready yet, to stop, that I
didn't want to understand all this, that it wasn't my time
to learn it and that I would be ready at a later time.
I kept begging for it to go away but it wouldn't. It
just freaked me out more and more. I'd hear or see things
happen in my mind right before they'd happen. I kept
having deja-vu and I swear, at times, I could hear peoples
thoughts. At some point I'm sure I saw myself sitting in that
chair from a few inches away. At other times, I'm sure
I was able to see out from what seemed like somewhere
deep within my body, I'm not quite sure how to explain
this feeling and what exactly I saw though.

There's so much more to this trip, I just wish I could
understand and explain it. I hope one day to have a
trip like this again when I'm good and ready to handle
it and understand it completely. I'm certain I was
connected to things at a higher level and that this trip
meant something and was leading me towards a higher
understanding of the world, of life, of people, of
everything. I hope to one day learn how to connect as
deep and use other parts of my brain without the use of
psychedelics.
-Shannie
jerichochild@hotmail.com