Paradox

Date: Monday, January 10, 2000
Time: ~1:00 AM
Weight: 160 lbs. (72 kg)
Age: 22
Dosage: Psilocybe cubensis B+ strain, 15 grams fresh
Other drugs: marijuana 2 hours previously.
Circumstances: alone

Coming home from a happy Sunday night gathering (and being a bit stoned), I decided to "sample" my new batch. I picked 3 or 4 medium sized (3-4") immature mushrooms (the cap had yet to open on all of them) and several even smaller (2-3") ones off the cakes. The total was about 15 grams (equal to 1.5 grams dried), a small dose compared to what I had done in the past. Just a taste, I thought. I began to chomp down on one and decided that something would have to be done to mask the taste (it wasn't horrible, but it was definitely not going to be easy getting them down whole). I ground them up with some orange juice in a blender and drank the resulting frothy mess over the next 15 minutes without problems.

Within 20 minutes I started to get some stomach discomfort and some slight nausea, but nothing major. I also felt the initial effects of the psilicybin. There was no apprehension or anxiety as had often been the case in the past, and I attributed this to the weed smoked over two hours before. However, the nausea built slowly steadily over the next 30 minutes, and I lay on the bed to try and settle my stomach. That didn't really work, and I thought eating something might get rid of the nausea. I heated up some pigs-in-a-blanket (of all things), but by the time they were ready, I was not hungry in the least. I turned on the TV and tried to eat one, but I could not even finish it. On TV was some kind of crime drama starring the actor who played one of the Fratelli brothers on the movie "Goonies." For some reason I watched this for 20 minutes or so, not following the plot at all. I simply marveled at Mr. Fratelli's face and how reptilian and leathery his skin looked. I kept expecting a forked tongue to pop out of his mouth, as that would complete the picture nicely.

Apprehension (and nausea) was still increasing at this point, so I changed the channel to a standup comedy show apparently hosted by Louie Anderson. He kept mentioning that people were bringing illegal substances onto the set, and they should stop. It seemed like every comedian that came up on stage was talking about drugs. I was hardly listening, however, because I was admiring the colorful faces superimposed on the walls of the set. I knew they weren't really there, but it was exciting to see such visuals. I turned off the TV and lay down on the couch trying hard not to vomit. I knew I could make myself do so, but it would probably make things worse, as at that point (some 2 hours after ingestion) there would be nothing to throw up anyway. I also felt that the nausea was psychosomatic anyway, and I could control it to some degree.

Waves of ever-increasing intensity spread throughout my body. I had not even peaked yet! How many mushrooms did I eat? Not many, but I wanted to recheck my figures anyway. 7 + 5 + 3 = 15 grams. How could it be this intense? I closed my eyes and saw beautiful bunches of wire-framed cylinders with semicircular tops (they looked like silos viewed from above) growing and multiplying towards me. The skin of these cylinders was infinite shades of red blending into orange into yellow. It looked much like a fantastic computer animation. (I wonder what ancient people thought of these visions having nothing to compare them to).

Unfortunately I could not concentrate on these visuals because I was in a crisis. I tried changing rooms several times when my stomach would allow, but it only brought me down for a few seconds. I was both hot and cold at the same time. I felt both comfortable and miserable at the same time. I didn't know whether to vomit, piss, lay there, jump up and down, scream, or run outside and try to kill someone. I literally did not know what to do. Were these the thoughts that went through the head of a lunatic? Certainly I could be classified as insane, but I did not feel the least bit psychotic.

I just could not let go. I knew that it must be my "ego"struggling to maintain control over its demise. I felt like I was going to die, yet I knew that I would not. If I could just find a way to break on through, this struggle would be over. I was so close to Enlightenment but could not find a way to tear through the membrane. I could speak normally and must have appeared calm, yet I was going through and intense crisis. By now it was 4:20 and I had been peaking for hours! I watched the clock for a minute to verify that time was passing. 4:21. Thank God time was passing normally. I knew it would all be over eventually, but I vowed that I would not ever take this dose again.

I cannot adequately describe the concepts that went through my head during that long and intense peak. I will try, however, but the results are pitiful at best. How could the action of psilocin binding to receptors in my brain possibly account for my thoughts and insight? I became aware of the limitations of my own brain and realized that the human brain is not capable of realizing the infinite universe, or what it really is, or what God is or whatever. It is everything. It is all-encompassing. Yet how could I see these concepts and yet know at the same time that I was not able to comprehend them? It was a paradox. How could this be possible???

The peak finally ended at about 5:00 in the morning, some 4 hours after I had ingested the mushrooms. There was another brief rise in intensity at about 5:30, but after then it began to wear off. Amazingly I was a little sad to see it go. I finally fell asleep sometime after sunrise.

Was this a bad trip? Certainly it was negative in character, but I still had some semblance of control. I wasn't in a panic, but I could see how an inexperienced person could be. Is there even such thing as a bad trip? Or is it just not being able to handle the intensity and freaking out? Will I do it again? Yes. I want to see the other side. But not for a long time.